I am in need now.
Donation protected
18 days ago my world came crashing down. 18 days ago everything changed. 18 days ago, my Husband, a man I loved and absolutely adored, my person, died by suicide. I am not the person I was 18 days ago. I’ll never be her again.
I have found strength and perseverance that I did not know I was capable of. I have not done this alone, I have been embraced wholeheartedly by family and friends and I cherish them all. I have 2 precious little dogs who snuggle with me. I’ve leaned in heavily on their support.
I have picked myself up off the floor and gone back to work...life. I see signs every day from Tony and know he is still with me and has my back every step of the way. I know he protects me every day. I have done my absolute best to be gracious and live every day with kindness and courage, one step at a time.
Anyone who knew him knew he loved life. This was completely out of character for him. Even I had no clue.
But I do want to warn you all about the drug Prednisone, he was prescribed it for poison oak at Immediate Care. It cleared up pretty well except the spot on his tummy would not clear up, so he kept taking it. When he went back to our Doctor, he said the spot on his tummy was caused by the steroids and he stopped taking them. 24 hours later he committed suicide. Turns out depression, agitation and manic is cause by Prednizone. I didn't know.
It has been hard. So fucking hard. It has been countless random breakdowns where I suddenly find myself in a crying heap. It has been many nights tossing and turning, more tears. It has been many days feeling so lonely, alone and abandoned, even in a crowd of people. It has been days of feeling so much hurt, even in the joyful and happy moments, most times especially in the happy moments. I’ve spent a lot of quiet time reflecting, playing music. The pain will always be there. I have accepted that. I’ve learned to smile through it, that it is ok to smile through it. It is not something I will move on from, but every day I make a conscious choice to move FORWARD. To let go, of the why’s, what if’s and could have’s. To smile, laugh and love again. To be grateful — so grateful — not only to have known him, but to have been loved so fiercely by him. That kind of love never dies, I still feel it every day. I feel lucky to have felt that and that I continue to feel that. I truly believed he was the person I’d spend my life with, then I realized he chose to spend the rest of his life with me. The pain is the price I’ll pay, and he was worth it. “Oh I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up but I know- a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved.
I’m giving myself as much time and space as I need to feel all of these emotions fully, to process them. I appreciate everyone who has reached out and continues to reach out — truly more than you’ll ever know. I truly love my family(ies) and my friends.
This is not a memorial fund raiser, this is me asking for help fundraiser.
I am not too proud to beg
Anything will help.
Thank you everyone.
❤
I have found strength and perseverance that I did not know I was capable of. I have not done this alone, I have been embraced wholeheartedly by family and friends and I cherish them all. I have 2 precious little dogs who snuggle with me. I’ve leaned in heavily on their support.
I have picked myself up off the floor and gone back to work...life. I see signs every day from Tony and know he is still with me and has my back every step of the way. I know he protects me every day. I have done my absolute best to be gracious and live every day with kindness and courage, one step at a time.
Anyone who knew him knew he loved life. This was completely out of character for him. Even I had no clue.
But I do want to warn you all about the drug Prednisone, he was prescribed it for poison oak at Immediate Care. It cleared up pretty well except the spot on his tummy would not clear up, so he kept taking it. When he went back to our Doctor, he said the spot on his tummy was caused by the steroids and he stopped taking them. 24 hours later he committed suicide. Turns out depression, agitation and manic is cause by Prednizone. I didn't know.
It has been hard. So fucking hard. It has been countless random breakdowns where I suddenly find myself in a crying heap. It has been many nights tossing and turning, more tears. It has been many days feeling so lonely, alone and abandoned, even in a crowd of people. It has been days of feeling so much hurt, even in the joyful and happy moments, most times especially in the happy moments. I’ve spent a lot of quiet time reflecting, playing music. The pain will always be there. I have accepted that. I’ve learned to smile through it, that it is ok to smile through it. It is not something I will move on from, but every day I make a conscious choice to move FORWARD. To let go, of the why’s, what if’s and could have’s. To smile, laugh and love again. To be grateful — so grateful — not only to have known him, but to have been loved so fiercely by him. That kind of love never dies, I still feel it every day. I feel lucky to have felt that and that I continue to feel that. I truly believed he was the person I’d spend my life with, then I realized he chose to spend the rest of his life with me. The pain is the price I’ll pay, and he was worth it. “Oh I’m in pieces, it’s tearing me up but I know- a heart that’s broke is a heart that’s been loved.
I’m giving myself as much time and space as I need to feel all of these emotions fully, to process them. I appreciate everyone who has reached out and continues to reach out — truly more than you’ll ever know. I truly love my family(ies) and my friends.
This is not a memorial fund raiser, this is me asking for help fundraiser.
I am not too proud to beg
Anything will help.
Thank you everyone.
❤
Organizer
Kendra Beckham
Organizer
Lebanon, OR
