My name is Brian Thompson. I am an investigative journalist, author, educator, and activist who is considered by most relevant authorities to be the world's foremost expert on McDonald's Pizza. I am the host and producer of an award-worthy investigative journalism program (IJP) on the topic entitled "Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald's?".
Though I have been in the McDonald's Pizza investigation "game" for some time, I have never investigated the overnight activities at a typical McDonald's restaurant. What happens there during these hours, I simply do not know. Perhaps the "powers that be" send agents under cover of darkness to ensure that each location is complying with the anti-pizza agenda. Though I doubt this is the case, perhaps nothing of any interest at all is happening.
There is only one way to find out. In the coming days, I shall investigate the overnight goings on at a McDonald's Restaurant by practicing the sport of stealth camping. It is my intention to spend an entire night in a McDonald's parking lot, keeping watch for any nefarious activities from my campsite inside my car.
This will, of course, put my safety at risk. Curfew-breaking hooligans and juvenile delinquents might choose to "toy" with me. Street walkers might solicit illegal transactions from me. The police might charge me with vagrancy, requiring me to hide in the forest until the "heat dies down", putting my bodily person at great risk of being consumed by a coyote, mountain lion, or bear. Worst of all, I might try to read a book in the dark, permanently damaging my eyesight.
These are just some of the risks one must be willing to take if one considers oneself to be a Pulit Surprise-worthy journalist. Thankfully, I do consider myself to be that.
Thankfully, I already possess most of the equipment necessary to accomplish this mission. I own a car with working locks, and I have obtained sophisticated audio/visual recording equipment from RadioShack.com. I will be close to a McDonald's restaurant, so basic needs such as food and bathroom facilities will be available to me.
I need only purchase two things: A supply of bottled water for emergency hydration (and, frankly, bathroom use), and a disguise to wear so no employees or customers recognize me as the famed journalist Brian Thompson.
I have set my fundraising goal at $12, which should cover the cost of both these items. My local Walmart store sells cases of bottled water for $5.36.
And my local Amazon.com store sells a very convincing disguise kit for $5.75.
I have rounded up the total cost of $12 to cover sales taxes. If you are uncomfortable with this due to your strong libertarian beliefs, I apologize.
It is possible I may exceed my fundraising goal. In that event, I have committed to donating the excess funds directly to a nonprofit foundation. For no particularly pressing reason, I have chosen an organization called NARAL. Here is some information about them:
NARAL Pro-Choice America Foundation works to support and protect, as a fundamental right and value, a woman's freedom to make personal decisions regarding the full range of reproductive choices through education, training, organizing, legal action, and public policy.
This sounds fairly interesting to me, but I admit I am not an expert on these issues. I am a bit preoccupied with my investigation into McDonald's Pizza (whatever happened to it, etc.). But I am sure they will use these funds wisely.
Thank you for your time and attention. This will be a "risky" venture, to be sure. But I believe the potential rewards are worth the danger. I will finally know for certain what happens at McDonald's under cover of darkness. And I will surely break an endurance record for longest time spent in a McDonald's parking lot, thus securing my place in next year's edition of the Guinness Book of World Records.
Thank you for your time and attention (and funds).