Hi my name is Vanessa and I am fundraising for life saving specialist treatment for my severe Clinical Contamination Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

I am 30 years old and have always suffered with OCD but I was able to function to a degree to have a semblance of a normal life. For the past decade however my life is now dictated solely by OCD. I have no life outside of it. I have lost my twenties to this debilitating illness as I feel my cover photos highlight.

I have been in solitary confinement for 10 years. I haven't left my bedroom. My days are spent between a bedroom and an en-suite. I have become totally isolated from all close friends and family. I am totally alone because of it and have nearly died from the isolation and loneliness OCD brings more than once.

The simplest of tasks i.e tooth brushing can take at least 60- 90 minutes on average. My movements are now that complex and calculated I am now in a catatonic like state. I have set rules and complex rituals that must be carried out in a systematic, orderly and symmetrical way. If I don't do this the thoughts, anxiety, nausea and terror are so much of a punishment I have no option but to comply.

I do these rituals all day every day to the point were I faint on a very regular basis. The rituals can become so intense I can lose time. I have stopped eating for weeks and on three occasions my family have had no option but have me admitted to acute mental health hospitals. On the second admission my health was so critical that I was sectioned under the mental health act.

My mental health has led to deterioration in my physical health. I went from 23 stone in hospital on my second admission due to the anti-psychotic drugs that were tried to 9 stone within a year. I have also changes in my eyesight, hair loss, fractured teeth, deficiencies in potassium, folic acid, and vitamin D.

My resting heart rate is around 200BPM . I never get a break from the constant torture and thoughts of OCD. Even when I try and sleep. I can go for periods of 72 hours with no sleep if OCD dictates it.

My life has been so miserable. I have just been existing. I feel like an empty vessel. After several admissions to acute hospitals were no one could help me I just felt like dying. I wanted to die. Death is easier than this endless stream of constant torture and feeling like I am being assassinated every minute of every hour by OCD. I wanted euthanasia almost daily but my family kept trying to tell me it will get better.

I had given up all hope until my family came across a world renowned Professor in OCD. They arranged a consultation with him online. He stated that my case is quite the challenge and I was waiting for the inevitable, "I don't think I can help you", but to my astonishment, do you know what he said to me? "Vanessa don't give up hope because I can help you". I can not tell you how that felt. I just started crying uncontrollably. I couldn't even comprehend it. I couldn't believe it. After years of false hope and constant let downs, he can help me.

The professors treatment involves inpatient care at his private medical hospital for at least 6 months. I work daily with a team of professionals carrying out Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Exposure And Response Prevention (ERP) 24 hours a day.

I have a dedicated nursing team to support me 24/7. ERP and CBT are carried out 7 days a week. The Professor has dictated that treatment needs to be started imminently as my condition will continue to plummet.

This specialist treatment is obviously expensive. My family can only help me so much. I appreciate everyone has a lot going on especially during Covid times. I am pleading for your help in the hope I can try and get my life back. Any surplus money that is raised will be given to an OCD charity. I hope to become an ambassador for OCD in the future WHEN I get better. I will update you all on my journey.

I leave you with a poem my sister has written about my OCD and thank you in advance for any donations, I am truly humbled.

I don't know when it happened, I don't know for what or for where or for why?

I used to have friends, laughter, family, I didn't even have to try,

Now I am yours and only yours,

I will practice until I bleed,

If you need me to starve for days,

I will practice until I bleed,

I will remain in my room all alone for 10 years now or more. Only you can keep me safe,

I will practice until I bleed,

Should I not sleep for hours, days or weeks for recurrent thoughts or rituals,

Over and over again,

No rest or sleep,

I will practice until I bleed,

I know your supposed to keep me safe,

But somehow my life is now totally yours,

I am terrified I am losing my mind,

As always I will practice until I bleed.