Help Luis Leave Behind The Last 6 Years

To whoever is taking the time to read this, hi and thank you. My name is Luis Elkes. I’m 31 years old and I am in the process of changing my life. I’ve considered doing this for ages to finally break free of my situation and how it’s suffocated me for years. If I’m going to ask for support / donations I feel the least I can do is explain...

 

From the age of 3 I’ve always been a performer, I have always loved entertaining people, I love making people laugh, from the age of 20 I was a professional dancer, I’ve done cruise ships, danced for a few celebrities, fashion shows and tours but I never had the confidence or self belief to match what I could do. I would get to the final stage of huge auditions for west end shows and just walk out and leave midway.

 

At the age of 14 I started drinking. I would binge drink excessively to give me ‘confidence’. I would almost always have no memory and always be severely ill. This pattern of behaviour carried on throughout my life for 16 years. I would buy bottles of wine/vodka and hide it in my wardrobe, bag, even my car. I would drink at whatever time of the day I felt I wanted. There were times I drank alcohol before going in to college at 9am because I would be so nervous/anxious. I would drink 2 bottles of wine before I even went on a night out on my own in my bedroom. It got to the stage I was drinking 3/4 bottles a night.

 

There is so much involved in this. I felt ashamed for being gay, in fact I hated myself for it. My Dad left when I was 3. My brother died when I was 8. My Nan died when I was 10 on Easter Sunday. I was groomed by a family friend when I was 13. I was severely bullied at high school for being ‘gay’ before I even knew myself. At 16 a girl I loved died by suicide. A few months later I nearly died by suicide. At 17 I came out and the reactions I had from those closest to me did nothing but hurt me. I cannot explain the level of loneliness I felt going through all of these experiences and just acting / pretending like they didn’t happen. I don’t say all of this for sympathy. I’m being transparent for context.

 

I have been riddled with anxiety and lack of confidence my entire life. I have never ever felt good enough, for anyone, on any level. Professionally or personally. I have spent the last 10 years single. Completely single. That shows the level of disconnect/fear. That is not right. I stopped dancing at the age of 24. I believed at the time it’s because that’s what I wanted. Looking back now I realise it was a self preservation tactic because I just couldn’t take the pressure and had zero confidence. An active disliking towards myself actually.

 

I ran off to London and spent the next 6 years in retail and management. A job at times that has been wonderful but I have never wanted to do it. I just didn’t realise I was running. During this time I can only describe it as slowly unravelling. Over these years my drinking problem escalated out of control. I cannot even begin to explain the level of emptiness or loneliness I felt. I was desperate to break out of this cycle and New Year’s Eve eve 2019 I got drunk, home alone and was seriously close to taking my own life (a huge factor being the crippling debt I had got myself in to) I haven’t told anyone this. Because it’s not ‘that’ long ago it feels too exposing to say. I knew I was turning 30 in February 2020 and I just felt like such a failure and petrified I would spend the next decade of my life the same way I did in my 20s. Consumed by my life experiences, pain and trauma. Something I knew I could no longer do. Something I refused to do.

 

I have always struggled with my mental health that’s true and am currently in the middle of therapy. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Breaking free of other peoples perceptions of who I am, what I should be, or what I can or can’t say. My situation is complex PTSD caused by trauma as a youngster. I felt fine then I feel like I was 24 years old, went to bed one night. Then opened my eyes and I was 30. The last 6 years feel like an entire blur. It’s so hard to put into words. It’s such a surreal feeling. I’m explaining so much of my life to explain how I got in this situation. It’s quite remarkable really. The more I learn as time goes on the more fascinated I am. People who experience trauma are already on a different playing field to those who haven’t. That’s not me making an ‘excuse’ at all. I still made certain decisions that I can clear as day see were not in my best interests. I was just suffocated. I can only explain it by saying it doesn’t feel like me. It feels like I’m talking about someone I knew.

 

March 2017 I was seriously struggling and went to the doctors and they diagnosed me with clinical depression. They signed me off work for a month instantly. I’d told my flatmates I didn’t know what to do because I was so miserable. I was consumed by sadness and lack of hope. I was doing everything I could to help myself little did I know it was to get worse again. In Dec 2017 things started to drastically get worse. I was sexually assaulted walking home from my works Christmas party and work signed me off again for a month instantly. I was absolutely broken by this. This was the real sudden wave of change. Things became unbearable. My actions, my thoughts, my impulsivity, my work ethic, my reliability, everything. My drinking consumed my life. I had no value on myself. I became very promiscuous not because it was ‘fun’ but to have some level of feeling whilst feeling extremely numb. I ended up in nearly £30,000 of debt over 7 credit cards, a loan and store cards accumulated mainly over 4/5 years. Every time I go back and look over the years the figure gets bigger and bigger. I cannot even begin to comprehend how much of that is money on alcohol. It petrifies me and truly makes me want to cry thinking about it. Because now I see that young man needed help. I think the denial has always helped keep this at bay. Ironically now looking back I can see being assaulted was the real start of the uphill battle over the last 3 years to get myself out of this.

 

Over the last two years I have paid off around £21,000 on my own:

 

Virgin 1 £3,000

Virgin 2 £4,000

Sainsbury’s £3,000

MBNA £3,000

Barclays £2,000

NatWest £4,000

MBNA 2 £2,000

 

I had these cards all in my wallet knowing they were maxed out. Feeling suffocated. Feeling like I couldn’t get out of this. I told myself on Jan 1st 2020 that was it. I had to change. My life had to change. The drinking had to change. I completely cut it out for 6 months. In the last nearly 2 years I’ve only drank on about 4/5 actual occasions. I refuse to ever buy alcohol just to have at home. I won’t do it. I can’t do it. I’ve never drank alcohol because I’m actually addicted to it or crave it. The reason I’m explaining my life is because it’s attached to how it would make me feel or not feel depending on what the situation was. I have slowly been building my confidence completely sober in all sorts of situations. It’s such a strange but incredible feeling. I turned vegetarian, I think this was just something I could focus on and give myself this feeling of some control over my life. I started working out for my mental health and lost nearly 2 stone. I was trying to change so much of my behaviour to help myself the best I could.

 

March 2020 came and we all know how that went. I then had a seriously worrying relapse regarding my childhood again. Something I haven’t ever spoken out about or to anyone. My flatmates at the time were nothing short of incredible. Again if they hadn’t of been with me during that time I don’t know if I would be here to even write this.

 

For any family or friends that read some of this. I know it may be triggering, or you may not even know much of this information. I am sorry for that but I’m also not sorry for my life or my story. I am so proud of the man I have become given everything I have been through (it’s easier to write this here than have 1 on 1 messages, and quite often people will find this easier to read, than to have a conversation)

 

Again this year has tested me in ways I cannot even begin to comprehend and that is something I’m coming to terms with. Equally I have pushed myself in ways I never have. I have removed certain people from my life. Confronted certain family members and have started therapy. I have also started stand up. I’ve done one gig and I felt like me for the first time in maybe forever. Cheesy? Yes. True. I think so. The truth is I know I have so much to offer. I know I have so much to give. I have honestly lived quite a remarkable life and as open as I am just know there’s so much more I haven’t said. I love performing. I miss performing. I want to build a career and life I’m truly happy and proud of.

 

For more context I have worked since the age of 12/13. I have had paper rounds, worked in cafes, worked in Pizza Hut for 3 years, worked in Morrison’s for 2 years, worked in Topshop for 4 years, worked in Tommy Hilfiger for a year and half, worked in Couture Club for a year, worked in Virgin Active for 6 months, worked on cruise ships for 2 years, worked in Harrods for a year and many others. I have always worked, a lot of the time in jobs I didn’t want. I don’t want this for my life anymore. I want change and I would love your help for this last bit. I was also made redundant twice which contributed a huge part of this debt on london rent and living expenses.

 

I currently have £6,000 left to pay off and then I can be back comfortably at 0 to start my life over again. It’s not necessarily the figure of the money that I’m worried about. It’s the feeling it gives me. It’s the fact this money still represents something I so desperately want to be over. I want nothing more. I won’t lie. I am tired. So tired of how I have felt since the age of 24. All of my childhood / teenage trauma revealing itself yearly. I could honestly go in to so much detail but then this might as well be a book. I feel sick typing these words out because I know certain people will judge me. Maybe that’s part of the deal. That’s absolutely fine. That I suppose is your right. If you think this is a joke, or I’m awful for doing this then I’m truly sorry. This is for anyone who can see what I’m doing and can see what I’ve done. I’m just asking for help because I feel strong enough to do so and it’s for people who can or want to. I am absolutely aware many, many people in this world need more help than me but if there is one thing I have learnt over the last 6 years is if you don’t even ask for help you’re not even giving anyone the opportunity to help you. People always say I wish you’d have said, why didn’t you tell me, why didn’t you ask... Well as petrified as I am. I am. I’m asking now.

 

I would love to raise £6,000 to pay off the last of my horrid debt accumulated over 6 years. If you are in a position to help even if it’s just £1. Just know I am beyond grateful. Just so I can breathe again. So I can move back to London (I’m currently living on a farm with my Dad getting attacked by 7 spiders and 10 moths a day) and start doing comedy gigs as much as I can. Without having to work in such a demanding full time job, suffocating me paying hundreds and hundreds a month to debts that are increasing. Meanwhile not being able to pursue my passion. Just to keep living this same cycle. To finally start living my life and being the person I believe I can become.

 

I feel truly excited about my future and a sense of relief has been creeping in over the last year but it’s been a very long painful process. I am beyond thrilled I have paid off £21,000 on my own because at one point I truly couldn’t understand how I would ever get out of this and nearly did something I wouldn’t have been able to undo. I am not a greedy person. I don’t want for much. I certainly don’t expect much from people due to my experiences in life but I now realise by doing that I’ve also always cut off the people who are supportive, motivating and encouraging. On this occasion I choose to pick courage, positivity and hope posting this over fear, worry and paranoia. This isn’t some hoodwink where I’m gonna be sunning it up in Dubai next week. I’d like to think a lot of you reading this know me well enough. This is truly and genuinely to get rid of £6,000 of debt that is tied to the last 5/6 years of my life that I want to move on from once and for all as quickly as possible.

 

To anyone who’s read this or donated. Thank you so much x