Legal Fees for Survivor Fighting for Justice
Donation protected
UPDATED 4/21
My name is Denarii Grace (she/they). If you're familiar with me at all, you may know me as a writer, a singer, a public speaker, an activist. I am also a survivor. I have been since childhood, which makes what has been—and continues to be—done to me all the more egregious.
I’m updating my story after getting some feedback from good and trusted friends/community members that the original draft was a bit vague regarding what happened, but please keep this in mind: not only am I a survivor, but I am literally still in this mess. And not just because I’m seeking a lawyer, but because I’m still actively dealing with the trauma (literally just had a PTSD nightmare last week and cried in my room on 4/16). I’m also still actively being cyberstalked/monitored. In addition, I have to contend with the fear, as a victim, of victim-blaming, even from people you might not expect, let alone strangers. This shit is hard as fuck to talk about; my mom and therapist have the most details of anyone in my life, by far (and my therapist knows a hell of a lot more than my mom does). I am simply not comfortable sharing every detail (yes, even the major ones) of what has happened to me or what I experienced. And I may never be. I need people willing to step up and support survivors whether they get all the information or not.
In September 2021, I attended two live shows in Manhattan because one of my favorite actors was a guest in his friend's show. I'd been a fan for about 5.5 years at the time. He's not particularly famous, but he’s known for a recurring guest role on a beloved cult classic, my favorite show of all time.
After the first show, I began to approach my Lyft to go home when suddenly he ran up to me, waving, excited that I was there (we'd interacted on social media before). He called me “amazing” and hugged me over and over again. This was the start of his “love bombing,” a common abuse tactic that continued when I spoke to him the second night. He hugged me over and over again then, too. He also reiterated, multiple times, that he had been a fan of the main performer for years before they became friends. When he left, it was like something out of a romcom: he approached the door to exit, looked back at me ever so slightly, and said “Hope to see you again.” Later that night, we had a (very) short chat via Instagram private messages, wherein he explicitly told me that *I* was what made their shows “come alive.”
Essentially, “love bombing” (sometimes written as one word) involves an abuser lavishing their victim with praise (“amazing,” “you made it all come alive”), affection (repeated, unexpected hugging), attention, and grand gestures (the romcom bit, but this would particularly come later) to manipulate the victim into a false narrative that convinces them to stick around (even when the abuser begins to change for the worse). “Love bombing” is part of the abuse cycle that many of us are familiar with: things are good/promising at first due to the love bombing, then they’re bad/shitty, then the abuser sucks you back in (known as “hoovering”) with the good (love bombing) again. They don’t plan to change, make amends, or treat you with care; they just pretend to with the intent of continuing to abuse you. He convinced me, through his behavior after those two shows, that he was interested in me. As a result, we ended up talking (online) for about 2.5 months.
We talked or otherwise communicated literally every day. I know that some people are quick to assert that this is “unhealthy” or “codependent” behavior, but I do not believe that the ability to talk regularly, even daily, to someone you like (platonically, romantically, familially, or otherwise) is an automatic indication of dysfunction. I absolutely loved talking to him, but I still lived my life: talked to friends, attended important meetings, organized in community (as an activist), enjoyed (virtual) events, watched shows I liked, etc. Of course, that’s under normal circumstances; I had no idea that I was being used. He created an atmosphere (deliberately, of course) of mutual interest in order to sell the lie that he was interested; talking to me every day was a part of that. If he was an upstanding man, it would have been perfectly fine. But it was manipulation on his part, and THAT’S what makes it not okay.
His primary abusive tactic was going back and forth between giving me “breadcrumbs” and then gaslighting me into believing that that’s…not what was happening, that I was “crazy,” making up a fantasy in my head, as he said near the end. I’d argue that it’s related to love bombing personally but, as the name suggests, “breadcrumbs” are little nuggets of his energy, time, attention, affection, etc.—just enough to keep the victim following along, like Hansel and Gretel, believing that one day the manipulator will finally give them the whole loaf. He even told me he loved me at one point (well, a *few* points).
He would pretend that he was heartbroken over a recent breakup (caused by infidelity on her part) and that he needed time. He would use his quasi-celebrity status to feign concern about 1) whether or not I could handle things like his traveling schedule and 2) his privacy. While I didn’t realize it then, he would mock my expressions of concern (another common behavior of emotional/psychological abusers). Sometimes he did this publicly, posting on his social media. Except that I was the only one “in the know.” His fans and fellow industry friends had no idea that certain Instagram posts, stories, or tweets were directed at me. (I only recently discovered, by interacting with someone else on Twitter, that this actually isn’t uncommon among abusers as well. It’s another tactic they use to make you look “crazy” because you’re the only one who has the inside knowledge to understand the true message being shared.)
What I didn't realize until the day I cut off contact (in November 2021) is that he never had ANY intention of initiating a romantic/sexual relationship; he lured me in with the SOLE purpose of emotionally and psychologically abusing me for as long as he could get away with it. Why? For his own appalling amusement. He gets off on causing people pain. It really is that simple. But he also had help—enablers—as abusers often do (yet another long story).
Once I cut off contact, just before U.S. Thanksgiving, he began cyberstalking me: emails, a few calls, and sockpuppets across social media. “Sockpuppets” were first understood as a false online identity for authors, businesses, and others to do things like give themselves positive reviews on places like Amazon. However, it has since come to be understood as anyone who creates accounts online (social media or otherwise) pretending to be someone else for the sole purpose of *any* kind of deception, which can include cyberstalking. Technically, cyberstalking is literally a crime; however, the way the laws are currently written, they were of no use to me. He's smart and has clearly been at this for a long time. In fact, the day I left, he essentially admitted that he has other victims, though he refuses to call them that. I went against everything I stand for as a police and prison abolitionist and went to my local cops and District Attorney's office because I just want the cyberstalking to fucking STOP (yes, it's still ongoing as of June 8th, 2022).
But that isn't ALL that I want. And that is why I'm here today, asking for my community's help. In the aftermath of cutting off contact in November (it's a bit murky, but I went back to him once, as victims often do), I realized that this man specifically targeted me (as one of his Facebook sockpuppets essentially admitted). Based on an encounter I had with what turned out to be yet another one of his sockpuppets on Facebook, he'd actually been plotting to target me for a few YEARS (I was literally Facebook friends with this account for three years).
I know it sounds farfetched—usually these things are the other way around, so-called "fans" stalking and harassing celebrities—but this man, while he never laid a hand on me, is one of the most diabolical and insidious abusers I have EVER encountered in my life. I am forever traumatized. While I refuse to let him take it from me because I loved it before I knew him, my favorite show of all time is forever ruined. I have suffered and struggled so much as I deal with the aftermath of what he continues to do to me.
Because of that, I have fought tooth and nail to find the support I need to fight him. Don't even get me started on the treacherous and abysmal services and resources for survivors, especially in cases as complicated as mine. I believe that a large part of why he targeted me is because one of the major barriers for survivors is money; he targeted me in part because I'm very poor.
As such, while I've finally found a (private) lawyer willing to work with me, his labor is gonna cost a shit ton of money—money that my Black, multiply disabled, fat, bi, non-binary trans, femme ass living in the projects does NOT have. I am hoping and praying to my ancestors that my communities can and will come through for me, one dollar at a time. I know that we ain't gettin' no stimmies, food and gas prices are through the roof, we're losing community to death and Long COVID left and right, and many other horrendous things. Times is hard on the boulevard. And for some of us, those "times" never really go away. Ask me how I know...
But I hope that, somehow, some way, y'all can help me fight. Running into one sockpuppet, he told me that he LIKES the way he is and he doesn't plan to stop. I know I wasn't the first victim and I know I won't be the last. I don’t know how many there are, if they’re only fans (of his and/or the show), or if he has abused people in his actual life. But I know that he enjoys abusing and he has minions who not only enable him but participate in the deception and abuse in their own ways.
I would never expect others to come forward and I am primarily doing this for myself, but my prayer to my Ancestors is that others find hope in my strength and break their silence, too. But it's no matter if they can't or don't. At the end of the day, I want justice for ME.
My plan, as my 10000% unofficial lawyer knows, is to sue him in civil court for damages related to the physical and mental toll that his abuse and subsequent cyberstalking has taken on my life. When the papers are filed, this lawsuit would be of public record. In addition, my lawyer would essentially serve as a legal barrier of sorts as I go public about the abuse, to protect me from any kind of defamation lawsuit he may try to lob at me.
The lawyer’s initial retainer fee is $7500; until I pay him that, we can't sign a contract and technically I have no lawyer. That $7500 is, of course, my initial goal to get things started, but I will likely need much more than that to keep things going, as lawyer fees (his own, plus potential third parties like hired investigators) can add up quickly.
In addition, because this involves cyber issues, jurisdiction is murky. I live in New York; due to the nature of his work he, of course, lives in California and travels. The lawyer has an inactive license to practice in Cali which can be reactivated, but that is, of course, going to cost as well if we need it. In addition, if courts decide that jurisdiction is in Cali, I will need to travel.
No matter where it ends up, I realize that I will need to update my wardrobe with business casual attire to attend any court cases as well as help with hair upkeep. I hate that I have to bend to these bullshit expectations, but I know that, as a hypermarginalized victim living under abuse culture, these systems are already NOT on my side. So these funds are not just for the direct legal fees themselves, but for everything related to the potential fight on which I'm about to embark.
I apologize for the length and, as I stated, this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what has been done to me, both before I cut off contact and after, but I need anyone reading this to at least have SOME understanding of why I fight, why the trauma is so deep, why I refuse to back down and roll over as I'm sure he fully expected me to.
Please share this WIDELY. I'll need all the fucking help I can get, y'all.
Full disclosure: any excess funds, IF they exist, would go towards general bill paying, groceries, meds, etc. for myself AND redistribution to other Black people of marginalized gender.
In solidarity,
Denarii Grace
My name is Denarii Grace (she/they). If you're familiar with me at all, you may know me as a writer, a singer, a public speaker, an activist. I am also a survivor. I have been since childhood, which makes what has been—and continues to be—done to me all the more egregious.
I’m updating my story after getting some feedback from good and trusted friends/community members that the original draft was a bit vague regarding what happened, but please keep this in mind: not only am I a survivor, but I am literally still in this mess. And not just because I’m seeking a lawyer, but because I’m still actively dealing with the trauma (literally just had a PTSD nightmare last week and cried in my room on 4/16). I’m also still actively being cyberstalked/monitored. In addition, I have to contend with the fear, as a victim, of victim-blaming, even from people you might not expect, let alone strangers. This shit is hard as fuck to talk about; my mom and therapist have the most details of anyone in my life, by far (and my therapist knows a hell of a lot more than my mom does). I am simply not comfortable sharing every detail (yes, even the major ones) of what has happened to me or what I experienced. And I may never be. I need people willing to step up and support survivors whether they get all the information or not.
In September 2021, I attended two live shows in Manhattan because one of my favorite actors was a guest in his friend's show. I'd been a fan for about 5.5 years at the time. He's not particularly famous, but he’s known for a recurring guest role on a beloved cult classic, my favorite show of all time.
After the first show, I began to approach my Lyft to go home when suddenly he ran up to me, waving, excited that I was there (we'd interacted on social media before). He called me “amazing” and hugged me over and over again. This was the start of his “love bombing,” a common abuse tactic that continued when I spoke to him the second night. He hugged me over and over again then, too. He also reiterated, multiple times, that he had been a fan of the main performer for years before they became friends. When he left, it was like something out of a romcom: he approached the door to exit, looked back at me ever so slightly, and said “Hope to see you again.” Later that night, we had a (very) short chat via Instagram private messages, wherein he explicitly told me that *I* was what made their shows “come alive.”
Essentially, “love bombing” (sometimes written as one word) involves an abuser lavishing their victim with praise (“amazing,” “you made it all come alive”), affection (repeated, unexpected hugging), attention, and grand gestures (the romcom bit, but this would particularly come later) to manipulate the victim into a false narrative that convinces them to stick around (even when the abuser begins to change for the worse). “Love bombing” is part of the abuse cycle that many of us are familiar with: things are good/promising at first due to the love bombing, then they’re bad/shitty, then the abuser sucks you back in (known as “hoovering”) with the good (love bombing) again. They don’t plan to change, make amends, or treat you with care; they just pretend to with the intent of continuing to abuse you. He convinced me, through his behavior after those two shows, that he was interested in me. As a result, we ended up talking (online) for about 2.5 months.
We talked or otherwise communicated literally every day. I know that some people are quick to assert that this is “unhealthy” or “codependent” behavior, but I do not believe that the ability to talk regularly, even daily, to someone you like (platonically, romantically, familially, or otherwise) is an automatic indication of dysfunction. I absolutely loved talking to him, but I still lived my life: talked to friends, attended important meetings, organized in community (as an activist), enjoyed (virtual) events, watched shows I liked, etc. Of course, that’s under normal circumstances; I had no idea that I was being used. He created an atmosphere (deliberately, of course) of mutual interest in order to sell the lie that he was interested; talking to me every day was a part of that. If he was an upstanding man, it would have been perfectly fine. But it was manipulation on his part, and THAT’S what makes it not okay.
His primary abusive tactic was going back and forth between giving me “breadcrumbs” and then gaslighting me into believing that that’s…not what was happening, that I was “crazy,” making up a fantasy in my head, as he said near the end. I’d argue that it’s related to love bombing personally but, as the name suggests, “breadcrumbs” are little nuggets of his energy, time, attention, affection, etc.—just enough to keep the victim following along, like Hansel and Gretel, believing that one day the manipulator will finally give them the whole loaf. He even told me he loved me at one point (well, a *few* points).
He would pretend that he was heartbroken over a recent breakup (caused by infidelity on her part) and that he needed time. He would use his quasi-celebrity status to feign concern about 1) whether or not I could handle things like his traveling schedule and 2) his privacy. While I didn’t realize it then, he would mock my expressions of concern (another common behavior of emotional/psychological abusers). Sometimes he did this publicly, posting on his social media. Except that I was the only one “in the know.” His fans and fellow industry friends had no idea that certain Instagram posts, stories, or tweets were directed at me. (I only recently discovered, by interacting with someone else on Twitter, that this actually isn’t uncommon among abusers as well. It’s another tactic they use to make you look “crazy” because you’re the only one who has the inside knowledge to understand the true message being shared.)
What I didn't realize until the day I cut off contact (in November 2021) is that he never had ANY intention of initiating a romantic/sexual relationship; he lured me in with the SOLE purpose of emotionally and psychologically abusing me for as long as he could get away with it. Why? For his own appalling amusement. He gets off on causing people pain. It really is that simple. But he also had help—enablers—as abusers often do (yet another long story).
Once I cut off contact, just before U.S. Thanksgiving, he began cyberstalking me: emails, a few calls, and sockpuppets across social media. “Sockpuppets” were first understood as a false online identity for authors, businesses, and others to do things like give themselves positive reviews on places like Amazon. However, it has since come to be understood as anyone who creates accounts online (social media or otherwise) pretending to be someone else for the sole purpose of *any* kind of deception, which can include cyberstalking. Technically, cyberstalking is literally a crime; however, the way the laws are currently written, they were of no use to me. He's smart and has clearly been at this for a long time. In fact, the day I left, he essentially admitted that he has other victims, though he refuses to call them that. I went against everything I stand for as a police and prison abolitionist and went to my local cops and District Attorney's office because I just want the cyberstalking to fucking STOP (yes, it's still ongoing as of June 8th, 2022).
But that isn't ALL that I want. And that is why I'm here today, asking for my community's help. In the aftermath of cutting off contact in November (it's a bit murky, but I went back to him once, as victims often do), I realized that this man specifically targeted me (as one of his Facebook sockpuppets essentially admitted). Based on an encounter I had with what turned out to be yet another one of his sockpuppets on Facebook, he'd actually been plotting to target me for a few YEARS (I was literally Facebook friends with this account for three years).
I know it sounds farfetched—usually these things are the other way around, so-called "fans" stalking and harassing celebrities—but this man, while he never laid a hand on me, is one of the most diabolical and insidious abusers I have EVER encountered in my life. I am forever traumatized. While I refuse to let him take it from me because I loved it before I knew him, my favorite show of all time is forever ruined. I have suffered and struggled so much as I deal with the aftermath of what he continues to do to me.
Because of that, I have fought tooth and nail to find the support I need to fight him. Don't even get me started on the treacherous and abysmal services and resources for survivors, especially in cases as complicated as mine. I believe that a large part of why he targeted me is because one of the major barriers for survivors is money; he targeted me in part because I'm very poor.
As such, while I've finally found a (private) lawyer willing to work with me, his labor is gonna cost a shit ton of money—money that my Black, multiply disabled, fat, bi, non-binary trans, femme ass living in the projects does NOT have. I am hoping and praying to my ancestors that my communities can and will come through for me, one dollar at a time. I know that we ain't gettin' no stimmies, food and gas prices are through the roof, we're losing community to death and Long COVID left and right, and many other horrendous things. Times is hard on the boulevard. And for some of us, those "times" never really go away. Ask me how I know...
But I hope that, somehow, some way, y'all can help me fight. Running into one sockpuppet, he told me that he LIKES the way he is and he doesn't plan to stop. I know I wasn't the first victim and I know I won't be the last. I don’t know how many there are, if they’re only fans (of his and/or the show), or if he has abused people in his actual life. But I know that he enjoys abusing and he has minions who not only enable him but participate in the deception and abuse in their own ways.
I would never expect others to come forward and I am primarily doing this for myself, but my prayer to my Ancestors is that others find hope in my strength and break their silence, too. But it's no matter if they can't or don't. At the end of the day, I want justice for ME.
My plan, as my 10000% unofficial lawyer knows, is to sue him in civil court for damages related to the physical and mental toll that his abuse and subsequent cyberstalking has taken on my life. When the papers are filed, this lawsuit would be of public record. In addition, my lawyer would essentially serve as a legal barrier of sorts as I go public about the abuse, to protect me from any kind of defamation lawsuit he may try to lob at me.
The lawyer’s initial retainer fee is $7500; until I pay him that, we can't sign a contract and technically I have no lawyer. That $7500 is, of course, my initial goal to get things started, but I will likely need much more than that to keep things going, as lawyer fees (his own, plus potential third parties like hired investigators) can add up quickly.
In addition, because this involves cyber issues, jurisdiction is murky. I live in New York; due to the nature of his work he, of course, lives in California and travels. The lawyer has an inactive license to practice in Cali which can be reactivated, but that is, of course, going to cost as well if we need it. In addition, if courts decide that jurisdiction is in Cali, I will need to travel.
No matter where it ends up, I realize that I will need to update my wardrobe with business casual attire to attend any court cases as well as help with hair upkeep. I hate that I have to bend to these bullshit expectations, but I know that, as a hypermarginalized victim living under abuse culture, these systems are already NOT on my side. So these funds are not just for the direct legal fees themselves, but for everything related to the potential fight on which I'm about to embark.
I apologize for the length and, as I stated, this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what has been done to me, both before I cut off contact and after, but I need anyone reading this to at least have SOME understanding of why I fight, why the trauma is so deep, why I refuse to back down and roll over as I'm sure he fully expected me to.
Please share this WIDELY. I'll need all the fucking help I can get, y'all.
Full disclosure: any excess funds, IF they exist, would go towards general bill paying, groceries, meds, etc. for myself AND redistribution to other Black people of marginalized gender.
In solidarity,
Denarii Grace
Organizer
Denarii Grace
Organizer
Hempstead, NY
