Help me secure legal protection for my children

I left an abusive relationship - but the abuse didn’t stop. I’m now battling post separation coercive control through the only legal route available to protect my children: family court. Most people think police or social services step in when children are at risk. But under a child arrangements order, the only legal route to protect them is the family court, and you shoulder the financial burden yourself, there is no automatic right to legal aid for cases of domestic abuse. I’m fundraising to cover urgent legal costs. If you can donate or share this - thank you.

What this looks like in practice

Post-separation coercive control plays out through repeated, often unnecessary legal applications, forcing me to respond at every stage: gathering safeguarding evidence, submitting statements, attending hearings, and finding legal representation when, like now, I know I cannot self-represent again in a broken system. None of this is covered by legal aid. And there’s no government support, even when professionals recognise what’s happening. Every legal step I take to protect my children comes at a cost I’m expected to carry alone.

These proceedings are not about divorce, finances, division of assets, or even meaningful disagreements over care. They’re about exhausting me emotionally and financially, undermining my parenting, and destabilising my children’s lives. It’s not about resolution, its about using the legal system as a platform on which to continue the abuse.

The full story is below.

Post separation abuse feels like a never-ending game, one you've never agreed to play. A game of power and control, where the rules keep shifting, and the children and you are just pawns on the board. The aim isn’t co-parenting. It isn’t resolution. It’s to win, over and over again. And at what cost? My sense is that the goal is to break me completely. To punish me for leaving. For surviving. For daring to rebuild. And the tragedy is that the children are just collateral damage, used to advance moves I can barely predict, let alone stop. It’s exhausting, it’s cruel, and it’s not what any child, or mother, should have to endure.

Thank you for reading this.

I'm a mother. I had built an independent life before becoming one, with purpose and security. Until domestic abuse crept in, slowly and deliberately dismantling it, piece by piece. I left the relationship with my children, but the control didn’t end. It simply changed form, as it so often does in cases of post separation abuse.

What followed has been six years of coercive control. Not co-parenting, not even parallel parenting, but instead deliberate disruption through the children: missed contact, failure to return, constant changes to routines, exposure to risk, non-payment of maintenance, and the steady undermining of every effort to provide stability. It is not parenting. It is not about the children. It is only about power and control. And it is relentless and exhausting.

It is also deeply misunderstood, because most relationships, once over, actually end. There may be hurt or anger, but there’s usually at least a basic understanding that things are finished. But with domestic abuse, the end of the relationship is not the end of the abuse. The abuser shifts tactics to maintain control, often through the only remaining channels: the children, finances, and the family court system.

My situation has now escalated again, and I have no choice but to return to the family court to protect my children’s safety and well-being. What I thought was finally over is starting all over again.

Why I’m fundraising

To protect my children from ongoing harm.

I’m raising funds to cover two urgent needs: legal representation through the family courts to protect my children, and a replacement boiler to make our home safe and liveable. Both are essential to their safety and wellbeing.

Legal fees alone will be around £10,000-£15,000. There’s no automatic support, even when a child’s safety is at risk. Many people assume Legal Aid is available for cases involving domestic abuse, but it is not automatic and the parameters are very narrow. To protect them, I have no choice but to go to court again, and I must fund it myself.

I’ve exhausted every other avenue, savings, credit, and government support, and now have nowhere left to turn. I never imagined I’d be here, asking for help. But I am, because I have to be.

On top of this, our boiler has broken and will cost £3,500 to replace. We’ve managed without an oven or dishwasher for months. There are no energy grants available to me in my area.

Why court again?

Few people realise that if you believe your children are at risk under a child arrangements order, the family court is your only route, not social services, not the police. You must first use your parental responsibility to withhold contact, then try to resolve the issue with the other parent.

But if the relationship was abusive, that’s rarely safe or possible.

The abusive parent often goes straight to court, reframing the situation as conflict or alienation. The court operates under a presumption of contact, and the protective parent must justify their actions. Without legal support, this is incredibly difficult.

Instead of asking why contact has been suspended, the court may interpret your actions as:

The burden then falls entirely on the protective parent to defend themselves.

This is exactly what has happened. Despite clear evidence of risk, I’m being pulled back into the family court and a whole new set of proceedings. The children are repeatedly placed in situations where their safety and wellbeing are compromised. It’s not just neglect, it is a consistent failure to protect, and a disturbing disregard for the harm to them. It feels as if they are being used as pawns in a prolonged game of power and control. The emotional toll of this, on them, and on me as their primary caregiver, is profound.

I’ve already been through five sets of proceedings in six years. I have self-represented twice. The outcome did not protect the children fully. Now the situation is even more serious.

To say the previous experience was traumatic is an understatement. I have never known anything like it in my life. You have to experience it to truly understand how truly broken a system it is, it is incomprehensible. It operates behind closed doors, much like domestic abuse, and as such does not have the transparency, scrutiny, or accountability that would exist in other parts of the justice system. Decisions are made in private hearings, often based on limited evidence and the subjective interpretation of one judge, and mothers can be disbelieved and often actually punished for trying to protect their children.

Barrister Charlotte Proudman writes extensively about this. Highlighting in her book He Said She Said "too many survivors - and the children they care for - see harm continue when effective legal representation isn’t in place". I don’t have the capacity to self-represent again. But I cannot afford proper legal representation either. It’s a catch-22, and I’m running out of time and resilience. So, I’m fundraising, to cover urgent legal costs, and to face this next chapter with protection, strength, and integrity. To wrestle back my power and to gain control of all our lives.

I don’t know how to describe what it feels like to be back here again. I’m exhausted. Not just end of day tired, but completely bone tired, I'm tired inside and out. I thought I was finally starting to rebuild something solid for us: applying for jobs, fixing up the house bit by bit, imagining a life not shaped by fear, constant disruption and the resultant and endless fire-fighting. But this has pulled the rug out completely. I’m in shock. I feel sick with dread. The thought of returning to court,- of going through it all again, alone, without legal protection or support, feels unbearable. Years of abuse and post separation control have worn me down in ways I don’t know how to explain. I feel desperate. And embarrassed, to be asking for help like this. But I have to, for my children’s safety, and for any chance of getting our lives back.

What’s at stake

Childhood - my children’s. The constant cycle of court is affecting their wellbeing and making it impossible for me to return to stable work. Selling our home may be our only option.

Why I need help

I met their father just before a close family member was diagnosed with a terminal illness. On the surface, he seemed kind. I was stretched to my limit as a carer. Looking back, the red flags were buried under charm and helpfulness.

The abuse was emotional, psychological, financial, and physical. Some of it subtle: gaslighting, coercive control, financial exploitation. Some of it not: pushing, shoving, hot drinks thrown at me, sometimes dirty dishwater. Because I was in the way. I wasn’t allowed to drive. Or use the dishwasher.

I lost my career, my independence, my confidence. I retrained, but was never allowed to work consistently. What was mine became his - and because he had nothing, everything became “shared”, except the costs and his debts. I paid for everything.

Post Separation Abuse

Leaving wasn’t the end - it was the beginning. Post separation abuse uses the systems meant to protect us, and it drags survivors back again and again.

Post separation abuse is a never-ending game, one you've never agreed to play. A game of power and control. With the purpose being to break me completely. As a punishment for leaving. For surviving. For daring to rebuild and for trying to get on with my life. The tragedy is that it is not even about the children, they are the ammunition, the means by which this bizarre home-grown retribution is avenged. It is exhausting, it is cruel, and it is not what any child, or mother, should be put through.

I never imagined I’d be here - asking for help publicly. I feel I've let my children down. I feel responsible for what they have experienced in their young lives. And for what they are going through now. Even though I know deep down I haven't failed them; the impacts of domestic abuse, and the trauma of it, run deep. In truth, there is nothing I could have done differently; except never go on that first date. I’ve always been self-reliant and independent. But the truth is: many women are just one abusive relationship, one abusive partner, one misjudged date, one tired and bored judge wanting to get home early on a Friday, one overlooked safeguarding referral. Independent or not.

I never thought I would be returning to the family court so quickly, I had not planned for this. I am in total disbelief that the cycle has started once again.

This isn’t just my story. It is a pattern. Protective mothers are being left to navigate impossible systems with no support. Many people support privately, but don’t feel comfortable sharing publicly. I understand. Sadly silence leaves survivors isolated, if you could share, just privately to people you feel safe to do so with, I would be so grateful, every bit of awareness raising helps.

This fundraiser exists because I’ve run out of options. Not because of poor choices (well, yes, apart from that first date that is) but because of how the system works.

If you can give - thank you.

I also just wanted to mention (because a few people have mentioned it to me) that GoFundMe automatically suggests high donation amounts, it is not something I’ve chosen or can adjust. I don't know why they do it as crowdfunding is meant to be collective: if 10,000 people donated £1, a couple of sips of a takeaway coffee, the target would be met. It's not about pressure, it’s about community. As well as raising awareness and giving hope to others.

If you can’t donate - please consider sharing.

Quiet acts of solidarity go further than you think. Visibility matters. Women supporting women matters. The support of men who understand this really makes a difference too. It is the silence that enables domestic abuse to continue.

I was brought up with the saying There but for the grace of God go I, and it's so true... you might not think it, but domestic abuse can touch anyone - your friend, your sibling, your colleague, your grown up child. I never imagined I’d be the one. But here I am, and this isn’t the life I thought I’d be living.

If you’ve read this far - thank you

A personal promise

Once I’m back on my feet, I’m pledging to match the amount raised here with a donation to a local domestic abuse support organisation - in the hope that it helps another woman like me.

Thank you.

Anne E

FURTHER INFORMATION & RESOURCES

If you’re unfamiliar with how post separation abuse works, the Deluth Power and Control Wheel is a good place to start Post Separation Power and Control Wheel, I also encourage you to read the work of:

Dr Emma Katz, a UK-based researcher whose work focuses on coercive control and its impact on mothers and children

Emma Katz Twitter/X

Dr Emma Katz Research

Dr Charlotte Proudman – A family law barrister whose book He Said: She Said explores how the justice system often fails women escaping abuse. She also shares lived insights and legal commentary on

Charlotte Proudman Twitter/X

He Said She Said Book

If you don't have time to read/listen to the whole book, please see the reviews here from leading family law barristers and judges.

Women’s Aid – A national organisation offering support to survivors and campaigning for better protections.

Women's Aid

Rights of Women – A charity offering legal advice, resources, and advocacy for women facing abuse and legal inequality.

Rights of Women

Surviving Economic Abuse (SEA) - The only UK charity dedicated to raising awareness of and transforming responses to economic abuse.

Surviving Economic Abuse

These are voices who have helped me make sense of what’s happened - and what is still happening.

Please note: This campaign has been written with anonymity in mind. Please respect that very real need in order to protect all involved. Because this is a private family court matter, I can’t share specific details publicly - the law rightly protects the confidentiality of those involved, especially children. What I can say is that I’m doing everything within my power, and within the law, to protect my children and ensure they are safe, supported, and heard.

A quick note on donations: GoFundMe deducts a small processing fee from each contribution (2.9% + 25p), so I will receive slightly less than what’s shown. If you're trying to help cover a specific cost, please be aware of that small gap. I’m incredibly grateful for any and all support - thank you.