In Memory of my Beautiful Baby Boys
On the 19th December 2019, my life changed forever. I lost the two most precious little people I was blessed with. Jakob James and Andrew Dexter my two identical, beautiful baby boys.
In August 2019 I found out the amazing news that I was expecting twins, a specialist consultant was assigned to closely monitor my pregnancy on a two-weekly basis. I attended my routine appointments in which I was informed that this type of twin pregnancy was high risk and very rare. The main risk being twin to twin transfusion. Therefore, I had to be closely monitored and attend regular appointments in case any complications occurred. Twin to twin transfusion is not uncommon in this type of pregnancy but should not be a reason for concern. It is easily managed with a straightforward procedure, consisting of draining excess fluid.
On the 18th December 2019 when attending my routine appointment, I was referred to the twin specialist unit in London by my consultant. I was assured that this referral was routine, no matter of urgency and a standard procedure to drain excess fluid may have to take place. The following day, 19th December 2019 I attended the twin specialist unit. I was examined by the specialist who then referred me to the Professor to carry out the routine procedure.
It was from this moment that I was then informed by the professor that there were concerns.This was regarding the length of time I had been carrying the excess fluid, I was told I should have been referred sooner, but he had to prepare me for the worst. There were numerous occasions that an earlier referral could and should have been made and taken place but these were missed. Whilst draining the fluid, he kept me calm, held my hand and told me to watch my two beautiful, healthy babies moving actively on the screens.
I was then admitted into hospital to monitor me closely overnight. It was then that my worst nightmare began. The most unexpected, tragic and devastating birth took place. Jakob and Andrew came into the world and graced us with their presence, far too early. Through no fault of their own or mine. I held them both in my arms, they were both perfect in every single way. I was never prepared, that on this day when attending this appointment that either myself or my babies were at risk. Never did it ever cross my mind that the unimaginable of losing them would ever happen. I was then rushed to theatre and my mum was left cradling both her grandchildren who could not be saved, to then be told they didn’t know if I was going to make it. After nearly 4 hours in theatre I was brought back to my mum and my two beautiful little boys and had to have everything explained to me that had happened. Everyday I wish things could be different. It makes it that bit harder when we know this shouldn’t have happened and everything should be so different. This is something no mother should ever have to go through. My heart will be broken forever, and my life will never be the same.
Throughout the next month, instead of dwelling on the negatives, I want to keep positive, focused and smiling and make my beautiful boys so very proud of me being their Mummy. I set myself a challenge to run and walk a total of 100 miles from 19th November to 19th December in memory of Jakob James and Andrew Dexter.
This started as a personal goal but quickly escalated. I was suddenly overwhelmed by so many family and friends that wanted to join me on this part of my journey. Together we will all be running, walking and cycling a grand total of 1500 MILES between us all. I am sincerely touched by all of them who are taking part to achieve this.
My main objective is to raise awareness around the ‘taboo’ subject of parents losing children and still births. This is something that happens every single day, you just never think it will happen to you. Until you are personally affected by this devastation, it is not something you know how to deal with. My life has been affected in so many different ways. No one is there everyday to help and guide you and tell you how to react, control and deal with all these different emotions you’ve never felt before. Uncontrolled anger, upset, devastation, trauma and grief, all mixed together whilst trying to wake up and get through the reality of everyday life, with so many unanswered questions. It’s been tough but I’m still here, getting stronger by the day and I’m very proud of that. I have been living on a rollercoaster and have sometimes not recognised myself on many different occasions. But what I have learnt over time from the professional support I have received this does not make me a bad person. I am just learning as I go of how to live with these new feelings, how to control them and slowly try to rebuild myself. This subject is not spoken about enough. Therefore, people do not know how to react around you, neither do they know what to do or say. The individuals that are actually living this nightmare, trauma and devastation, feel so alone and isolated. That is not how it should be.
Martin House have been supporting myself through this extremely difficult time. We are hoping to raise as much money as possible to enable them to continue their work with as many families as possible going through such unimaginable grief and trauma. We are hoping to raise as much money as possible for Martin House but as we are raising awareness of the stigma around stillbirths, we will be donating a proportion to SANDS (Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity). We will also be creating something for myself, family and friends to remember both Jakob and Andrew by.
I know this is going to be a difficult time, but I’ve come this far and I’ve been so strong, that I know doing this with the love and support from you all around me, will definitely keep me focused. I want this to be fun, happy and something that I will feel really proud of at the end. I know for sure my boys will feel so loved from everyone joining and supporting me throughout this part of my journey. In return this will help raise money, raise awareness, keep me smiling and mainly an amazing achievement from us all in Remembering my little angels.
We have created a Facebook page in which you can follow the daily achievements of our team by liking and following the page - In memory of Jakob James & Andrew Dexter.
We understand that these are unprecedented times, but any donations will go a long way and be greatly appreciated.
