To feel safe but once in my life

Hi. My name is Dani and I'm here asking for help because my little family and I are in a desperate situation. I've endured a life of abuse and neglect, living in survival mode for as long as I can remember. Going from an abusive and toxic family to an abusive and toxic marriage, where everyone I've ever allowed myself to become emotionally attached to has taken advantage of me and hurt me.

I have a lot of guilt giving my beautiful children a life of struggle and instability. After spending years trying to survive after leaving my abusive home, at times homeless, I married a man who I thought would give me a happy ending, ignoring all the red flags and warning signs, and who turned out to be a sociopath/psychopath who inflicted years of manipulation, financial, sexual, verbal, and emotional abuses. I turned to family, the church, the military - all who turned a blind eye - I never had anyone who cared enough about me and my children to help us out of our dire circumstances, without having to endure further verbal and emotional abuse and financial manipulation. After having the courage to finally leave my spouse, we were left with almost nothing, and the courts are not on the side of the women and children left abused and abandoned. As a single mom I did my best to give my children a sense of normal, happiness, and what they needed and wanted in their young lives. At times working multiple jobs, while trying to raise them with absolutely no outside love, support, or help because we had no one who wasn't a toxic and abusive force, so it was all on me. It wore me down and in 2018, I started getting sick. Memory loss, blackouts, seizures, and myriad other debilitating and scary symptoms. A mass was discovered in my brain, and I've been in a steady decline ever since. My symptoms are very similar to MS, but unfortunately, doctors are generally completely dismissive concerning my specific condition, for reasons I've never been able to understand or accept, although there are thousands of people who suffer from what I do - I guess that's not enough for the medical community to make an effort to study and understand. Everyday life is a constant struggle, as I'm in constant pain and in significant cognitive decline. Because doctors don't take my brain mass and the symptoms it causes seriously, I haven't had anyone to advocate for me to be considered for disability. I've numerous other potentially serious health issues as well, and live in constant fear. I think my body and mind have just helplessly begun to shut down after all the years of struggle and survival, finally. My abusive family members, who I was forced to reconnect with in an attempt to seek help from in my desperate circumstances have taken the opportunity to continue their abuse, driving me to consider ending it all and leading me to suffer from a mental breakdown. To have to seek help and assistance from my and my children's abusers is a nightmare situation. I'm in a lose - lose situation. My symptomatic health issues have prevented me from being offered and sustaining steady and gainful employment. My medical bills for the doctors I have to see and my emergency room visits for when my symptoms are so bad that I think I might die leave me with mounting debt. My daughter and I are now facing homelessness and/or continued domestic violence at the hands of my family. They now subject my children to the treatment I was forced to ensure my whole life, and have driven my son away because he can't and won't tolerate it, which he shouldn't. My parents and estranged husband and his sociopathic family, but most especially my narcissistic, alcoholic mother, have torn apart so many beautiful innocent lives. I can't take much more. I've tried reaching out to my community for help and shunned or dismissed. I've reached out to organizations for assistance, but been offered little. The mentality of most people seems to be, from my personal experience, is if you are sick, desperate, weak, and in need of help, too bad for you. And I tried so hard to make things work out for my children and I, and held things together for a good while until I fell ill, but everything I've ever done, tried to do, or worked hard to get has ultimately failed, as I've been hit with hardship after hardship. I'm afraid to make decisions, as every choice I've made turns out to be the wrong one, and my condition makes me so easily confused, I tend to be taken advantage of. I just want to feel safe but for once in my life.

All my ever wanted was a happy family. All I want is to live without fear and give my children better than what I had. If anyone out there has a job that isn't physically or mentally straining, I am willing to train and learn and promise to do my best. If anyone would care to donate, and I hate to have to resort to this, but I will do anything and everything to make sure my children have basic necessities. I am a jewelry designer and creator, a photographer, a crafter, an artist, and a writer, if anyone would like to invest or collaborate. I have an AA in general studies and a BS in Information and Library Science. I hope to pursue my graduate studies someday and become a librarian or archivist, and hope to find a position with a public library, museum, historical society, school district, or archive. I don't want my children to suffer because I'm sick and impaired, and because their extended family simply doesn't care and are harmful toxic hateful hurtful human beings. I need to get my children and myself away from the people who have and continue to hurt us, but it gets harder and harder for me to take care of my children and myself on my own. What we really need is someone in our lives who care and can lend me a helping hand and won't hurt us. What we desperately need is a safe clean quiet place to live that isn't thousands of dollars a month to live in, and in an area which is safe with a good school district and is easy for me to navigate and get around, where I don't have to be car dependent, and where I might be able to find employment. Please let there be someone, anyone out there who can help us.