I stood there looking up at the man that in less than an hour was going to be my husband and the father of my future children. Here we are 14 years down the road, more in love than ever but unfortunately no children. For years I just wanted it to be "us". We were not trying/not preventing so if it were to happen or not, either way was fine with us. Sitting here thinking back, if I had known all the trials, troubles and the emotional impact this has had on my life I would've done something sooner. I don't regret the "us" time we had, but I would've been more aggressive in finding out the problem. In Oct. 2000 I had a "pre-term miscarriage". I'm ashamed to say that at the time I wasn't devastated by this. I had no idea I was pregnant, only until I had lost it. It was VERY early, I was only 2 weeks late. I was sad, don't get me wrong but I didn't "mourn", not then. I've been mourning the loss of that child for the past 8 years now. The questions, oh the questions. Were you a boy or a girl? Would you be like me or your dad? You would be 13 years old now, oh man the teenage years. I'd give anything to have this chance again. Having a child of our own would be such a blessing.
Over these past 8 or so years we've been trying. Days turn into months, months turn into years. I've always thought it was me since I've always had a lot of female problems. Diagnosed Endometriosis, constant ovarian cysts and recently diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. I've had 2 surgeries and since I would LOVE to conceive, just one time, I can't do anything permanently about my endo or ovarian cysts. The medicines for my IC have awful side effects and I'm not going to start that until I know for sure, without a doubt we have no chance at ever having a child. I don't want to put something in me that can affect the life of my "future miracle". I've told myself for years that I'd deal with this pain for the rest of my life, IF I knew for sure one day I'd conceive. The pain is constant and never ending. Good days are a constant ache in my hips, lower back and lower stomach. I don't know what "mild" pain is anymore. Since I have "moderate IC" is my "mild" pain someone else's "severe"? On the bad days there's nothing I can do to stop it from hurting. It's sharp, dull, aching and constant pain. Pain so bad that my body cannot physically handle it, it makes me throw up and black out. I'll try to deal with it and it only took me one time to learn that there's no way I can "deal with it", I have to sleep. The dr. prescribed me something for pain, but it's hard putting something in my body that doesn't help. The pain medicine doesn't even take the edge off but I'm thankful it makes me sleepy. If it wasn't for learning to sleep through these episodes, I would be at the ER probably 3 times a month. I want to do something permanent about this and the only way to do that is to finally conceive through IVF. Having a chance at getting pregnant, being blessed with such a gift is what I want to do before I do something permanent. If (and praying I do) I conceive, go through pregnancy and childbirth then I can get something done about all of my Endo, Ovarian cysts and IC on top of being blessed with such a miracle, a child my heart and soul has ached for.
About 7 months ago we found out what was causing our infertility. It's a very common problem, but it's harder to "fix". Our only hope is IVF with ICSI. Our insurance covers nothing for fertility, so everything will be out of pocket. Unfortunately IVF isn't cheap, if it was I'd be doing it in a heartbeat. A round about price is around $15,000, give or take and this includes everything. I'm praying we can raise enough to get us going, just once, just a chance that's all I ask for. I don't want to give up, I don't like feeling defeated. I want to know that I at least had a chance, that I tried. Please help us with that chance. I know $15,000 is ALOT of money, but I'm hoping to raise a "chunk" of it to get the process going.
I'm on borrowed time. I'm 34 and if anyone doesn't know by the time you hit 35 the quality of your eggs drop drastically. I'm desperate. I've never been one to ask for help. I've always tried to do things on my own if I could. I've always been the helper and not the helpless. I'm trying to put aside my pride for the moment and ask for help. To those of you that can help, there are no words that I could ever say that would express how thankful I am. To those of you that would help but can't, thank you anyways. I've been there before, wanting to help but unable at the moment. I'd never wish infertility on anyone, so to those of you that are going through this, I'm so sorry.
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