Anna's support fund

By the suggestion of good friends who said they want to help, I am setting up this gofundme account for those who asked. I have posted
a little bit about it on my fb page for those who have not read it.

I am not feeling well enough to share my recent experience in a way that I feel is adequate right now. My mind is too fragmented.
Here is what happened as well as I can express it right now:

In March I had the happiest experience in my life. For many, it's a normal part of life but all through my life
I didn't think that it was in the cards for me. I didn't even dare dreaming of it. But, as it turns out, miracles do happen;
I got pregnant (even though it had only a 5% chance of happening to me). There are no words that can come close to describing the joy and bliss I felt.
While the pregnancy was difficult, especially with heavy nausea from the beginning, I was embracing every part of it.

About a week and a half ago, things seemed normal until I was overcome with this big sense of
sadness. Abnormally sad, especially considering how happy I was about my baby. Then a few hours later, the nausea stopped.
I knew that this was potentially not a good sign, and so I asked a couple of friends, who have several kids, and they said nausea fluctuates
and not to worry. Yet, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was really wrong.

On the next day, Saturday, it was difficult to find a place that was open where I could get some medical help or answers to my newly-formulated questions.
But I knew I needed to get an ultrasound done to confirm the heartbeat and make sure that the baby was ok. I found a place that said they could do it.
The technician I got was new, and accidentally blurted out that my baby was only 6 weeks and it was too early to see the heartbeat
with an abdominal scan. That is when I knew that my baby was dead. Because my baby had stopped growing a week and a half ago
and should have been 7 1/2 weeks.

I was still clinging to hope that she, as a rookie, had been wrong; so I went back the next morning and got new scan with a different technician.
Same result, 6 weeks and no heartbeat. Monday morning I went to an OBGYN Doctor that took me in right away to do a vaginal ultrasound.
I was still clinging to some hope because I knew abdominal ultrasounds were not as reliable. He was very professional, nice, and straight forward. The baby
died at 6 weeks and 1 day. They then drew blood to see what my hcg levels were. My hcg levels came back super high, which is a good thing in a healthy pregnancy.
So high that the doctor was very surprised. In fact, the levels were perfect: 57,929. Forty-eight hours later, they had only dropped 37 points.

What I was experiencing is called a "missed miscarriage": when the baby dies but the body doesn't recognize what happened and continues to believe
that its pregnant. So my little one is still inside me today, as I write this. The doctor recommend surgery right away, but I opted to give the
max allowed time (2 weeks) for a miracle to happen, for the little heart to start beating again. Even though that I'm told that I can't wait longer
because of the risk of hemorraging, infections, bloodclots etc.

I'm not dealing with this well. Or, I don't know how I am dealing with it really. How is one supposed to deal with it?
At first I wanted to leave with the baby. I have experienced enough hardships in life and I need a break. But I know
too many people would be hurt, and life is very short anyway. So I'm going to make an effort to make it through this.
But I need help.

I've lost a lot of weight and I am in shock. I am not able to make it outside most days because I lack the physical energy.
I don't have funds for the surgery or (abortion) medications, food, rent, bills, grief counseling, and everything else that I can't
think of right now that will come up.

I wanted to travel to my friends to stay there so they
could help me and also so I could bury the baby in California if I was able to miscarry naturally
(which seems less and less likely at this point as I write this).
Alas, it's too risky for me to travel according to the doctors. So I am stuck here in Phoenix.
So any Phoenix friends who feels like checking in on me, please let me know.
Beyond financial help I might need help with picking up food or Doctor's appointments,
hugs, or just people to reach out to when reality hits me in the face and brings me to my knees.

What I really need is for my miracle to have a miracle. But I will take the help I can get. Thank you.
Please send good vibes, prayers, or whatever form of love you believe in to my little one.

Love and best wishes always,
Anna