Loving Our Veterans Inc (LOV, inc)

This is an insightful look into my process of starting the non-profit organization entitled  Loving Our Veterans, Inc (LOV, inc).  This nonprofit was created to be a transitional house for homeless veterans.  While most transitional houses simply offer 3 meals a day and a place to live, LOV, inc goes much further than that.  Through the use of meditation, yoga, education and, most importantly, Love, we are going to ensure that before the vets leave, they will BELIEVE in themselves and their greatness. 

Starting LOV, inc is my dream because of my own personal experiences with homelessness and addiction.  8 years ago I was living on the streets of Vegas with a nasty Xanax addiction.  My battle with anxiety and depression overtook my life, and my world spiraled out of control.  I was 32 years old at the time, but the issues didn't start overnight.  My first anxiety attack was when i was teen, and things sort of went downhill from there.......

I grew up in a normal, extremely dysfunctional home.  My father was a womanizing party animal but other than that, he was a great dad.  His antics grew old after about 10 years and eventually my parents divorced. 

I got a new stepdad shortly thereafter and the only thing he and I had in common was our mutual dislike for one another. 

I wasn't the most respectful kid in the world so I was asked to leave the house as a teen.  I went to live with my favorite Aunt, whom I've always considered to be a 2nd mother.  She has always been there for me, and to this day she remains one of the most influential people in my life. 

It was during my high school years that I began to notice the anxiety.  Hand tremors were a common occurrence and they became a constant reminder that something was wrong. 

The day after I graduated high school, I moved out (got kicked out) and rented a home with my cousin and two other guys.  I was attending community college and working at a local market, and it was during this time that I tried my first Valium.  It was a new, strange, wonder pill that cured what i thought was wrong with me.  It slowed down my racing thoughts.  It steadied my shaky hands.  It made me feel normal.  It was the beginning of a long, arduous love affair between myself and benzodiazepines. 

Apparently, those pills don't mix well with alcohol so 'blackouts' became a common occurrence.  After six months of living in that house, we all got kicked out for throwing too many parties.  I had nowhere to go, so on the final day of eviction I called my guidance counselor and he enrolled me into a 30-day rehab. Best. Guidance. Counselor. Ever. 

I moved in with my dad after leaving rehab and my sobriety only lasted a few days because my Pops thought 'one drink was not gonna kill me'.  He was right, sorta. 

After I failed college miserably, for lack of attendance, a good friend of mine convinced me to join the military (thx again BB).  My Army recruiter was kind enough to payoff my outstanding warrant in Ocean County, as well as provide me with the herbal tea that helped me pass the urinalysis, so it was off to basic training I went.

The military was the best thing for me at the time.  It taught me discipline, respect, and self-control.  While serving overseas, i had my first severe anxiety attack.  I woke up one day and could not stop crying and shaking uncontrollably.  I was referred to a shrink and when he asked me what was wrong, the only thing i could say was, "Everything and Nothing".  I couldn't pinpoint the reason for the emotional pain because i felt like there was a million reasons, yet i was still unable to put it into words.  Unfortunately, my anxiety gave me a heightened sensitivity that caused me to put the strain of the world on my shoulders, for no apparent reason.

Unfortunately, my Doctor gave me a nice dose of buspar (a benzodiazepine), and i immediately fell back in love.  FINALLY, a doctor that would give me the drug that would stop my shakes and my worries.  I was cured.  Unfortunately, it's a highly addictive drug and, over the years, my tolerance would increase and no longer allow me to take 'normal' doses.  

I completed four years in the military and i was grateful to get an honorable discharge.  After being discharged, i moved to Michigan with an Army buddy.  I was only there a few months when i got a phone call on Thanksgiving from a family member notifying me that my grandfather committed suicide. 

Once i learned of my grandpa's death, i felt like i was destined to head down the same path.  By this point in my life, my dad had allegedly attempted suicide once or twice and pop-pop was dead.  The realization began to set in.  It was then that i began to embrace my 'craziness'.  I accepted that i was crazy and that i was going to end up like them.  The next decade of my life was created by that moment in time.  Not only did i accept my self-perceived craziness, i welcomed it.  Therefore, it became my reality. 

My early twenties was marred with a failed marriage and an increased tolerance for benzodiazepines.  I switched from buspar to xanax, and that's when my love for benzo's switched from a coping mechanism to a physical addiction.  I tried 100's of combinations of meds over the years, but the one constant was always a benzo.  It took the anxiety away and it allowed my shaky hands to steady themselves.  Unfortunately, as my tolerance increased i could no longer have just one source of pills and the more i took, the less i gave a fuck about anything else. 

After a few years of a failed marriage, we separated.  How could I love someone else when I didn't even love myself?   She was a great woman with an amazing family but, emotionally, i was quickly becoming numb to the world.  I was living in Columbia, SC at the time and when i left her, i moved to Atlanta, GA.  That's when things went from bad to worse.  At least when i was married, i managed to not overdue it too much.  Once i became single again, it was no holds barred.  I quickly got a new girlfriend that was more messed up than i was so i could focus on her and her issues, instead of working on my own. 

After a year of living in Atlanta, i went to Vegas for the first time for a July 4th weekend.  I won $8k, and then i lost $8k.  Best time ever.  I came back to Atlanta and started packing my bags.  At this point in my life, I was a pro at running from my problems and things were starting to go bad in Atlanta.  I blamed everyone but myself and i figured a new state would make things better.  Of course, I was wrong.  I took my new girlfriend with me and it seemed as if we caused mayhem everywhere we went.  

The entire Vegas chapter of my life is a long, sordid tale so I'll save it for another time. 

A short recap of it is that I moved out there to play poker and invest in real estate.  When I moved to Vegas, they were leading the nation in housing appreciation.  When I left, only five and a half  years later, they were leading the nation in foreclosures.  I guess I took my black cloud with me.  Sorry about that, Vegas.  My bad. 

Only a few months prior to leaving Vegas, my life would unravel in a hurry.  I had three different doctors that would diagnose me as being bipolar, manic depressant, and suffering from severe anxiety disorder.  The amount of Xanax i was taking each day would put a baby elephant to sleep for five days.  After two or three years of barely holding it together, i finally snapped.  

I was in Las Vegas sitting in the lobby of a Motel 6.  I had just gotten out of jail for driving under the influence, having an outstanding warrant, and for giving the police fake identification.  

I was homeless at the time, bouncing around from place to place and i was ready to quit.  I wanted to throw in the towel.  Life kicked my ass.  Life won. 

Or should I say, Life - 1, Me - 0. 

I was ready to die.  I felt as if i had nothing to live for.  I had alienated myself from friends and family for over a decade because i didn't want them to see me struggle.  By moving far away, i truly believed that i was saving them from Me.  I hated who i had become, and i couldn't find a reason to keep going.  The rare chance that the after-life offered something better was worth the risk.  I didn't want to see another day.  I took out the pill bottle and knew that i could get the 60 Xanax down with a few gulps of a tasty beverage.  Despite being high as hell, my hand trembled.  I stared at the pill bottle for minutes that seemed like hours.  With a deep exhale I stuffed about 15 Xanax in mouth.  After only a few seconds of washing it down with a tasty beverage, I repeated that process.  I did that one or two more times until all 60 of the pills were gone.  I sat there in silence and tried my damndest to think of nothing.  For a brief moment, i felt at peace with Death.

That is....until the Xanax kicked in. I had a moment of self-realization and i knew i didn't want to die in that shitbag Motel (no disrespect to the founders of Motel 6).  I mean...a Ritz Carlton maybe, but a Motel 6?  No fucking way.  I asked the hotel receptionist to call 911, and the next week is a blur.  I spent 3 or 4 days in a hospital and then another few days in a mental institution before i could convince them that i didn't belong there. 

Once i was discharged, i roamed the streets for a few more days.  At some point i called my favorite Aunt and asked her a question or two about death and the afterlife.   A few more days went by of aimless roaming, when i saw my cousin walking down Freemont street in Old Vegas.  He and my Aunt had flown in from New Jersey to find me and take me home.  I hadn't lived in NJ for over 15 years, but off I went. 

I'll never be able to thank her enough for coming out there and finding me.  As i type this, i'm fighting back tears of joy because i'm so grateful she's been a part of my life.  Without her, I'd probably be dead. 

I spent a day or two at her house before she took me to the VA hospital in philadelphia.  I stayed there for a few weeks before being transferred to a long-term VA facility outside of Philadelphia.  I was there for a few months before they kicked me out because they claim i failed a urinalysis.  At this point, my sobriety was all i had.   It became the most important thing to me in this world.  I put everything i had into getting sober.  The doctors stated that i had actually failed every drug test since day one because of the amount of pills in my system, however, they claim that this test had a slightly elevated level.  I was able to get a retest done that showed the usual levels but they claimed it was too late and they wouldn't change their minds because they had a zero tolerance policy.  So they kicked me out.  And just like that, I was out on the streets again. 

I am certain i could have called my Aunt and stayed with her but i didn't want to go through that again.  She had done so much for me already, and I never felt comfortable asking family members for anything at all.  I put everything i had into that program and to get kicked out was heart breaking.  Once again, i lost all motivation and will to live. 

I took the train to Philly and stopped by a CVS pharmacy.  I had a prescription transferred there from Vegas and within an hour i had 60 more Xanax in my hand.  Now, If i REALLY wanted to kill myself, clearly, based on past experiences, 60 Xanax wasn't going to do the trick.  The only other thing i had was forty bucks and 15 serroquel (super strong sleeping pill).  So I walked around until i found a homeless man that looked like he had a hankering for cocaine.  He helped me find the coke, we split a 20 bag, and then i set out to find a bar to watch THE game. 

Please know that first and foremost, i'm a die-hard (pun  intended) sports fan.  Although i had every intention of dying, there was no way i was going to miss Game 3 of the 2008 World Series.  The Phillies were in the World Series that year and I had to see that game.  Then i could die.  

I went to Fat Tuesday's on South street because they were having $1.00 beer specials during the game.  Midway through the first inning, I remember drinking the first beverage at a table by myself and taking all 75 of those pills.  I remember cheering once or twice, but that's it.  Everything else is blank.  That's the last thing i remember. 

I woke up two days later in the VA hospital and i have no recollection of what happened that night.  I was in an intensive care ward with an IV, a catheter, and a bunch of electrodes all over me.  I freaked out and ripped out the catheter and, to this day, i rank that in my top five mistakes of all time.  Thank God i was still high as hell because i'm sure that would have felt much worse than it did....and it felt HORRIFIC.  

A few hours later the guy in the room next to mine had a code blue.  As the doctors and nurses surrounded his bed, I got up for the first time and walked to the plate glass window.
 
My nurse came in and stood next to me and said, "That was you, Papi".  As i gave her a look of bewilderment, she continued speaking in her beautiful Latino accent, "For 91 seconds Papi, you was gone.  They had to bring you baaaaack."  
 
That was my first time hearing that news and my knees buckled.  Looking back, i don't know if that was true or if she was just trying to scare me.  Either way, it worked.

I stayed in ICU for a few more days until i could be moved to a different ward.  I stayed in the hospital for a few more weeks and it was during this time i was reading everything i could get my hands on.  If the book had a positive message, i was reading it.  

One morning I woke up and I began asking myself the same question over and over:  Why not me?   Why not ME?

I couldn't shake it.  Why not me?  Why don't i deserve greatness?  What the fuck makes everyone else so special that they can live their lives filled without all this pain and bullshit that i continued to put myself through?  Why not me?  Why can't I be great?  

And that is when i began my transformation.  It started with a simple belief. 

I began to BELIEVE that I deserved greatness.  I truly felt like it was MY TIME.  I knew that the only thing stopping me from being great was ME.  

So my quest for knowledge began and i couldn't get enough.  As the years passed, it was Earl Nightingale, Andrew Carnegie, Napoleon Hill, Eric Thomas, and Will Smith (yes, THAT Will Smith) that became my mentors.  Between books, YouTube clips, and TED Talks, i began absorbing anything i could get that dealt with the power of believing in your own greatness.  The Laws of Attraction began to work and i could feel my life changing. 

I incorporated meditation and yoga in my routine and I immediately began to feel the anxiety slipping out of my life.  I stopped looking for the differences in people and i began to seek out the similarities.  Instead of living as a skeptic, i lived in a place of love.  If i couldn't love you, then i felt empathy for you.  I don't know what anyone else's pain or struggles are, so i try and empathize with anyone that displays hate or ignorance. The sketpicism and self-loathing that i felt for years were replaced with love and compassion.  And it was during this time, that my life was changed forever. 

I spent the next 8 months in a behavioral modification/halfway house.  After completing the program, I returned to the mortgage industry and it's been going great ever since.  Of course, not every day is roses, rainbows, and sunshine but not every day is going to be like that.  But I smile even on my rare 'bad' days, because i know i have so much to be grateful for.

That was 8 years ago.  It seems like another lifetime, but i know that part of my journey made me who I am today.  And I love the hell out of that guy.

Today, I wake up and I'm grateful.  Today, I meditate.  Today, I expect greatness.  Today, i have close, healthy relationships with my family.  Today, I'm able to give back by helping to feed the less fortunate and being an active member in Big Brothers, Big Sisters.

I believe that all of that happened for a reason.  I'm grateful for this process and everything that's happened in my life.  And that is why I've started LOV, Inc.  

I'm no longer ashamed of my past because it got me here, on the cusp of changing so many people's lives.  Today, I'm grateful for my journey because without those struggles, i would never be in pursuit of this dream.  Although it hasn't fully come to fruition yet I know it's already happened, I just haven't caught up to that moment in time yet.  This is my passion.  This is my dream.  This is my personal legend. 

I believe that LOV, inc is going to help empower thousands of veterans and not only offer them a place to live, but a place to realize their own greatness.

It's my mission in life to assist each homeless veteran to help him/her realize their own inner potential.  If i can help even one lost soul then all of this will be worth it. 

I incorporated Loving Our Veterans, Inc in 2014 and over the past several years, i've comprised a board that consists of some pretty amazing people.  With the help of the LOV, inc board members and a few other super intelligent individuals, i know this goal will be accomplished.

By 10/1/2016, we will have a transitional home for veterans that is based on meditation, yoga, education, and LOVE.

The current model in place is simply providng shelter to the vets.  They send them out during the day to their outpatient programs and they send them back out at night to the nearest NA/AA meeting.  That is it.    

At Lov, Inc, we will have daily morning meditation, Bi-weekly yoga classes, and Educational classes in the evening on a variety of topics.  Also, each Vet will work daily to achieve their short and long term goals.

In five years, we'll have several homes in Philly and the major outlying cities, based on the same principle except additional homes will be added that are permanent residential options for veterans. 

In ten years, we'll have LOV, Inc homes in every major city and a warm bed will be offered to EVERY SINGLE HOMELESS PERSON in the United States.  Although this is designed to assist homeless veterans, no one will be turned away that is in need of shelter and love. 

For more information on the non-profit, you can find it all on our website:  www.lovingourveteransinc.com

On the website, you'll also find links to our Facebook account, Twitter, the Articles of Incorporation, our Bylaws, the proposed annual budget, and the blog.

Anything you are able to donate, would be greatly, greatly appreciated.  And if you can't donate, then help spread the word.  For that, i would be truly grateful.  And if you can't spread the word, just send some positive vibes my way and know that i'm sending some right back at ya.

All funds donated will go directly to funding the first fiscal year of Loving Our Veterans, Inc.  All monies are only disbursed after review and approval of board members. 

Thank you for taking time out of your day to read this and if nobody's told you yet today that they love you, then let me be the first:  I Love You.