It’s a disorder not a decision

On Sept 13, 2019, is when my entire life changed. It started off like any normal day by going into work. I had been under tremendous stress recently but nothing I felt I could not handle. About two hours into my shift, something in my brain felt like it snapped. At that point I had a nervous/mental breakdown. I suddenly could not stop crying  and felt like everything was coming down on me.  While leaving work immediately I began to have suicidal thoughts and wanted to end the hurt and hopelessness I was feeling. I stood at the top of the parking deck and teetered back and forth. Every memory and thought began to race through my mind as I was getting ready to jump. At that moment, my husband called me and convinced me to come down and that we  would get help. I was checked into a psychiatric facility within 2 hours. The amount of shame and guilt I had completely overcame me and I did not know what I was going to do. I was a nurse, I was suppose to take care of people and help them get better. The sad part was I wasn't even taking care of myself.  After  being in the facility over a week I was able to check out on my 35th birthday on September 21. I felt overwhelmed, scared and unsure of what the future would bring. I was on a million medications and felt like a zombie entering a new world. 
      My life now consists of therapy, multiple psychiatrist appointments a week and trying to adjust to medication that keep changing weekly. At this point in my life I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to be a nurse again or hold down a steady job.  While I am eligible for short term disability (only 60% of my check plus taxes and insurance taken out) I still haven't received any money. My husband is trying to juggle full time school plus taking care of me and driving me to my appointments, taking me to therapy, watching over me, and taking care of our son. While all this is going on I am in need of help. Bills are starting to pile up and I am asking for help from my friends and loved ones. This has been one of the worst and most embarrassing times of my life, but I feel like hiding away is only adding to the stigma of mental illness.  So from the bottom of my heart I would like to thank everyone who has reached out. There are many times I could not answer because I was in a rough patch. I have a long way to go with my illness but I have to take it one day at a time. I love you all and thank you for all your love and support. For anyone hurting or experiencing this hopelessness, get help its never too late (https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.