Help Heal Jill of Chronic Lyme Disease
Donation protected
Dear Friend,
The jig is up. I have not been brave. At least not the kind of brave I want to be. Pema Chodron says, “The essence of bravery is to be without self-deception.” So here it goes.
I need help. I am not doing well. I am reaching out for support.
I’m experiencing a serious Lyme disease relapse. I have been sick for over 8 months, maybe longer. Insurance doesn’t cover chronic Lyme treatment, so I’ve been paying out of pocket. I’m getting weekly IV treatments and take about a dozen medications every few hours. I’m doing my best to show up for my responsibilities while trying to honor my self-care. Some days I’m successful at this, many days I fail.
I want to play the part of a brave yoga warrior who accepts life’s unfairness as cosmic fuel, but the truth is, I’m not doing the greatest job accepting this relapse. My heart broke a little when Facebook reminded me that it was exactly 10 years ago this week that my friends put together a fundraiser to help me tackle my medical expenses for my first round of Lyme treatment. Publicly admitting I’m sick again solidifies my new reality, one that feels like I’m failing at healing and I’m moving backwards in life. My fear and my inner critic have co-created a number of these convincing stories that have nearly severed me from my worthiness for requesting help.
So, this is my plan to get out of this with my integrity intact. I’m going to publicly call out my fearful, Inner Critic. If the stories she’s screaming at me are in fact so wise, so true…..I’ll fold.
She tells me there’s serious shame in publicly asking for help because:
~I’m too old. My 37th B-day is next week. I should be able to take care of myself.
~I already asked for help 10 years ago when I was in treatment for Lyme the first time.
~I don’t look sick so no one will believe me anyway.
~Chronic Lyme is a “hoax”— if it was real my insurance would cover my medical expenses.
~And besides, chronic illnesses are excuses to be lazy.
~Publicly announcing my health issues is bound to sabotage my personal and professional life.
~My boyfriend’s parents don’t need to know what a chronic burden I am. The last thing any parent wants is for their adult child to be handcuffed to a sick partner.
~And who in their right mind is going to want to hire or work with a sick person, especially in the Yoga and Wellness profession? I’ll surely be outed as a fake.
Ugh. She’s brutal.
I’m desperately trying to remind myself that I’ll never be too old to ask for help. If we were only allowed to ask for one giant favor in a lifetime we would all be screwed! There is an abundance of wealth and love in the world. It’s literally impossible to run out. There can be joy in giving. There can be joy in receiving. I am worthy and capable of both. Chronic Lyme is VERY real. And living with a chronic illness and not knowing when it will resurface can be terrifying. It can bind my wingspan and isolate me from my faith. It tries to convince me I need to be smaller and dream safer. But one thing I am most certainly not is lazy. I am tired. And scared. Which are very different beasts.
I have no control over how the world sees me personally or professionally. But I do have the choice to move through my life authentically. Those who can see this and feel this will choose me. I risked being transparent about the severity of my Lyme treatment while leading my Yoga & Wellness Retreat this past May and learned that vulnerability and professionalism can coexist. I can be sick and exceptional at my work at the same time. My definition of professionalism can only be birthed by equality. I must hold myself to the same standard of authenticity I request of my clients/students. None of us can heal without this shared breath.
I have started to pull back on my work commitments. I’m still working, just less.
It was only a few years ago that I paid off my unreasonable medical debt from my first round of Lyme treatment back in 2009. Insurance companies do not cover anything related to Chronic Lyme disease. I am currently paying out of pocket for my treatments: Weekly IV, bloodwork, oral medications and monthly visits with my specialist which are totaling around $2,500 a month.
If you are in a position that you can and would like to donate some financial support toward my medical expenses, I am now going to be brave enough to graciously accept it.
If you want to educate yourself or your family about Lyme and why it’s so controversial I recommend watching the documentary Under Our Skin 2.
If you are as outraged as I am about how little respect those with Lyme disease are receiving and you would like to donate funds towards the undersupported Lyme community for outreach and research please donate here.
https://lymediseaseassociation.org/
https://globallymealliance.org/
Oh, my boyfriend wanted me to put this request out into the world as well: If you’d like to join me on one of my weekly IV treatments while he is out of town, please let me know. I usually go on Thursday or Friday around noon.
From the bottom of my soft and stubborn heart, I thank you.
~Jillian
The jig is up. I have not been brave. At least not the kind of brave I want to be. Pema Chodron says, “The essence of bravery is to be without self-deception.” So here it goes.
I need help. I am not doing well. I am reaching out for support.
I’m experiencing a serious Lyme disease relapse. I have been sick for over 8 months, maybe longer. Insurance doesn’t cover chronic Lyme treatment, so I’ve been paying out of pocket. I’m getting weekly IV treatments and take about a dozen medications every few hours. I’m doing my best to show up for my responsibilities while trying to honor my self-care. Some days I’m successful at this, many days I fail.
I want to play the part of a brave yoga warrior who accepts life’s unfairness as cosmic fuel, but the truth is, I’m not doing the greatest job accepting this relapse. My heart broke a little when Facebook reminded me that it was exactly 10 years ago this week that my friends put together a fundraiser to help me tackle my medical expenses for my first round of Lyme treatment. Publicly admitting I’m sick again solidifies my new reality, one that feels like I’m failing at healing and I’m moving backwards in life. My fear and my inner critic have co-created a number of these convincing stories that have nearly severed me from my worthiness for requesting help.
So, this is my plan to get out of this with my integrity intact. I’m going to publicly call out my fearful, Inner Critic. If the stories she’s screaming at me are in fact so wise, so true…..I’ll fold.
She tells me there’s serious shame in publicly asking for help because:
~I’m too old. My 37th B-day is next week. I should be able to take care of myself.
~I already asked for help 10 years ago when I was in treatment for Lyme the first time.
~I don’t look sick so no one will believe me anyway.
~Chronic Lyme is a “hoax”— if it was real my insurance would cover my medical expenses.
~And besides, chronic illnesses are excuses to be lazy.
~Publicly announcing my health issues is bound to sabotage my personal and professional life.
~My boyfriend’s parents don’t need to know what a chronic burden I am. The last thing any parent wants is for their adult child to be handcuffed to a sick partner.
~And who in their right mind is going to want to hire or work with a sick person, especially in the Yoga and Wellness profession? I’ll surely be outed as a fake.
Ugh. She’s brutal.
I’m desperately trying to remind myself that I’ll never be too old to ask for help. If we were only allowed to ask for one giant favor in a lifetime we would all be screwed! There is an abundance of wealth and love in the world. It’s literally impossible to run out. There can be joy in giving. There can be joy in receiving. I am worthy and capable of both. Chronic Lyme is VERY real. And living with a chronic illness and not knowing when it will resurface can be terrifying. It can bind my wingspan and isolate me from my faith. It tries to convince me I need to be smaller and dream safer. But one thing I am most certainly not is lazy. I am tired. And scared. Which are very different beasts.
I have no control over how the world sees me personally or professionally. But I do have the choice to move through my life authentically. Those who can see this and feel this will choose me. I risked being transparent about the severity of my Lyme treatment while leading my Yoga & Wellness Retreat this past May and learned that vulnerability and professionalism can coexist. I can be sick and exceptional at my work at the same time. My definition of professionalism can only be birthed by equality. I must hold myself to the same standard of authenticity I request of my clients/students. None of us can heal without this shared breath.
I have started to pull back on my work commitments. I’m still working, just less.
It was only a few years ago that I paid off my unreasonable medical debt from my first round of Lyme treatment back in 2009. Insurance companies do not cover anything related to Chronic Lyme disease. I am currently paying out of pocket for my treatments: Weekly IV, bloodwork, oral medications and monthly visits with my specialist which are totaling around $2,500 a month.
If you are in a position that you can and would like to donate some financial support toward my medical expenses, I am now going to be brave enough to graciously accept it.
If you want to educate yourself or your family about Lyme and why it’s so controversial I recommend watching the documentary Under Our Skin 2.
If you are as outraged as I am about how little respect those with Lyme disease are receiving and you would like to donate funds towards the undersupported Lyme community for outreach and research please donate here.
https://lymediseaseassociation.org/
https://globallymealliance.org/
Oh, my boyfriend wanted me to put this request out into the world as well: If you’d like to join me on one of my weekly IV treatments while he is out of town, please let me know. I usually go on Thursday or Friday around noon.
From the bottom of my soft and stubborn heart, I thank you.
~Jillian
Organizer
Jillian Szafranski
Organizer
Los Angeles, CA
