Help Ben's treatment

I don’t do this stuff normally but for some years now, as far back as I can remember iv suffered majorly with anxiety and depression, along with low self esteem, lack of self confidence and a general hate for myself, my body the way I look was always a major trigger point, the only few things things that kept that to a point where I could just about deal with it was being able to go to the gym to take my mind off of it and gave me something to work towards to make me feel more comfortable in myself, which in turn would help me get through my day, so I could come home with a different frame of mind, which would get me off my ass, and help me interact with my two beautiful little girls that deserve so much more than what they get from me, I’ve always said all I’ve ever wanted to be is a good dad a hands on full fun loving dad, and everyday I let them down because of all of this.. not being able to go to the gym because of the constant pain I’m in everyday has left me at a point where I spend pretty much everyday In bed hiding from it all because of the guilt of not being out there enjoying the days with them, the days and the time they deserve, I’m missing the most important part of there lives and everyday it breaks my heart. I hate myself even more because of this. I feel like I’m wasting everyday and there is no way out of it. I’ve tried every physio i can , i can’t find any that can help me, and spent thousands and more. I’ve got knowhere.. everyday is a struggle to keep it together so I don’t do anything silly. As suicide is there with me from the moment I open my eyes everyday. And everyday my family has to see this and I see not only it’s effecting me but all of them too, which then puts more guilt on me as it not fair... it’s not fair on them seeing it. Which then always bring me back to to why aim I even Here, not only am I in constant physical and mental pain but now my family are feeling the mental strain, and seeing that just ruins me in everway, Iv tried so hard to make make changes to ease the physical pain but trying to do alone with no real knowledge is getting me knowhere... I don’t know how much more I can allow my beautiful girls to see or hear.. I worry so much as to what effect it’s having in there lives. And can’t help but think things would be so much easier without me around, because I cant cope with it all anymore, the constant pain is to much to pretend I’m happy.. iv tried for do long and I’m so tired of it now. I’d just like say in know way am I looking for attention, right now I couldn’t think of anything worse, but if anyone l knows any1 who knows anything or anyone about spinal damage / spasticity that may be able to help at all in anyway that would be great, as I’m desperate for help, for me, for my family.. as it stands my whole family is paying the price by just having to watch me deteriorate and it’s killing me.. I have the most beautiful little family and all this shit is tearing it apart,, and watching that happen everyday hurts so much I’m shit with words and wish i could explain it all better, but mental health can fuck people up for so many different reasons? And can also be hidden so easily, just a simple smile can hide it all not knowing what that person could be going though. I see people who say get over it, things could be worse etc, but unless u have dealt with it for a long period of time i don’t think you can truly understand, I hate to think what my beabutiful girls have had to see and hear because of me,,. Breaks my heart everyday... I don’t know how to leave this post, some will see it as to brutal but this is me behind closed doors everyday.. these where kept for me to look back onome day and see how far I’ve come, but that hadn’t happened and I just keep getting worse with time, so I thought I’d share them as my story.. and why I am the way I am now.... This was a status my brother posted baring in mind he's very reserved and dosent let anyone know his problems. Please all help. Me and my whole family are so scared. So we can get him privarte help and councling too. Even if it' a £ every penny will help.