At age 17, my high school boyfriend hung himself on Dec 1, 1992.
From that day forward suicide became a choice and I have thought about it regularly and have made multiple plans through the years.
A failed marriage and divorce gone bad left me homeless with my two boys. My Ex lives in the house with his fiance and her kids but has nothing to do with us. He filed bankruptcy and is not paying me nor is he up to date on child support of a mere $200/month. Nonetheless, in 2012 I signed a Tenancy at Will Contract in a place very few would call home. With a roof over our heads I remain grateful and it is beautiful out here. However, we live with no flushing toilet, no proper drainage for showering, dishes or laundry, leaky roof, cold floors, faulty wiring, etc. All repair expenses and utilities, etc, are my responsibility. I am a hard worker but moving forward in life is challenging when personal basic needs at home are such a chore. This place is not mine and is not worth investing in over and over.
I work three jobs. I also work my own business. My oldest suffers from mental illness, also, and has been in the State Hospital twice in the past 2 years. Thankfully, last Feb. an officer intervened when he attempted to jump off a bridge.
After triggering events the morning of Oct 24, 2017, I lost all hope. I walked deep into the woods with my Revolver in hand. I pressed the gun against my temple and felt a sense of peace and found myself smiling with the thought of ending the lonliness and pain of my struggles. A breeze gently blew through the trees and gave me a chill and it took that sick smile off my face. I thought about my boys, without me and how cold they would feel in their hearts. I walked back home to meet 4 sheriffs responding to calls of me and my gun missing. In brief, I gave them my gun and was brought in for treatment. I am trying to make the most of my recovery and hope to be an inspiration to others.
Although I feel so grateful to have a place to call home, I am trying to do something about how living here is contributing to my struggles with mental illness.
There is a place for sale closer to my work places and near trusted community members who are helping me get well and offering me and my sons support.
My dream is to learn skills to break free from suicidal ideation and help others do the same and help my oldest son prevail over his struggles, as well.
I will post progress of my efforts to register my dog as a therapy dog. I will share our training efforts with local high schoolers interested in this field. Eventually, I will keep everyone updated with my dog and I visiting the same hospital I was discharged from while hopefully reaching unlimited hearts and lifting many spirits along the way.
Hope you will be part of my recovery and help me help others! From this day forward, I pledge, SUICIDE IS NOT A CHOICE!
Thank you for your support!
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