PTSD effing sucks. plz help meggus.

gah.
I'm dealing with an enormous amount of guilt and shame for being in this situation and for asking for help. it feels like failure. I have been determined to get through it on my own, but my present circumstances being what they are, I can't. I need help. 

the truth is that i am not a failure. the truth is that I'm living with a serious mental illness. the truth is that and this year has been extremely taxing. new meds weren't working like they should and causing unbearable side effects. serious physical & pain stuff flared up. cumulatively it's affected my brain and ability to function in some very serious ways, including my work performance, and put me in a place where I was having serious self-harming thoughts.

So with help from a shiny angel I work with who listened to me and took me seriously, I'm on FMLA leave for two months and in an intensive outpatient program at an affirming place. It's been extremely helpful already. The good news: I qualified for financial assistance covering my deductible and out-of-pocket max, so all of my medical treatment through the end of the year will be covered. THANK YOU UNIVERSE. Unfortunately, my short term disability only pays a small portion of my usual income and won't be enough to cover needs and bills. 

It's hard to do this. I have been so hardcore focused on recovery and it still feels like failure, even though I know it's not. But hey, writing this is a win even if I don't believe it right now. I really need this time to focus on healing without the stress of mounting financial difficulties and I am in the right environment to do it.

So.

I am asking for financial help to get me current with bills, help me and the cats stay fed and healthy, pay for medication, reclaim the vacation time i'm losing to cover my benefits during leave, and focus on recovery without stressing the hell out about money.

I have other things I need to focus on right now as well, like looking for a new job. The struggling HVAC environment in the museum's beautiful 126 year old building has exacerbated a lot of this. I love what I do, and I'm extremely sad about this, but it needs to happen so I can stay in recovery and work towards my larger life goals again. 

ALSO: I AM VERY WILLING AND EAGER to offer tarot readings, energy work, or any of my other spiritual services  in exchange for donations! in fact, it's something I'd really like to do for y'all. Staying connected with my practice is and has been a huge support for me, as is connecting with friends. it's easy! it's fun! you don't have to believe in it! and everything I do can be done remotely through the internets, so no pants required.

I'm scared as hell and masking it with jokes folks, jsyk.

Any assistance you can provide will help me and the cats stay fed, keep my credit score intact, and keep me alive and afloat. From the bottom of my heart, thank all of you for your friendship, support, and love.

It is so hard for me to ask for help, but I am, and I am fighting. Please help me win. 

meggus  •❥
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PS: thank you to genesis for helping me with this campaign,  for hugs, talk, and support, and helping me find the courage. you mean the world to me.