Childhood Rape and Sexual Assault

This is my last chance, but please don't feel the need to give. Those of you that know me, generally saw me as an outgoing, happy person. In High school, I was very (still am) very shy and withdrawn.I hid as much as I could from everyone, the pain that I have been struggling with since about the age of 5. Possibly earlier. I have coped by donating and giving to others, Dancing, Singing, people pleaser and an Eating Disorder. Most recently, I have resorted to cutting and burning myself. This is all so shame based for me, but am at the point where I can no longer continue to live the way that I am. Nor do I want to. I know that I don't look like a Mental Health poster child. Trust me, there is no specific look, other than the pain in someone's eyes. I am a survivor of historical Sexual Abuse. By historical, I mean that it went on for a long time. From approximately 5-22. Yes, 22. There is much shame in that, but I was threatened by one of my abusers that he would kill himself, if I said anything. I had more than one abuser, and one was a family member. After years of therapy and not being able to keep a secret anymore, I told my family, and lost 47 family members in seconds. I was 35 then and still have no contact even though he admitted to it. I had originally told my mom when I was 16, but have since realized that she knew way before that. I was still forced to go to family functions, because I guess my mom's fear of losing her family was worse for her than protecting me. My mom has passed now, so very hard to deal with. I also suffered years of emotional and verbal abuse in the family. As an adult, have found very toxic and abusive relationships and have been assaulted several more times. I have been in and out of therapy since the age of 18. I have done all types of therapy. Have been hospitalized many times and have had several suicide attempts. I married an extremely controlling man, who had many characteristics of one of my abusers and am now in the middle of an extremely nasty divorce. So nasty that the first solution that was presented, was to have my abusers pay me support, since they (as he claims) messed me up. He messed me up just as much, if not more. I laid charges and went through 2 horrible court cases, where I was made to feel like the bad guy. It completely retraumatised me. I have had a total of 19 ECT'S (shock treatments) and they didn't help. I have tried all sorts of medications, brain mapping, EMDR etc and nothing has worked. My brain mapping actually showed that I have brain damage from the trauma that I have indured. It apparently looks very much like I have had a serious concussion. I rarely leave the house. I have only 2 people that I actually talk to and I have even isolated myself from them. The hospitals say that they can't help me, and being that I have been unable to work, since the age of 30, I have no extended health care. There are 2 programs that I have left to try. One is Homewood in Guelph and the other is Bellwood. Homewood is $20,000 and Bellwood is $45,000. Both of which I can not afford. So with a lot of hesitation, I am asking for your help, if it's even $1.00. I know that the world is financially a mess right now, but I feel this is my only option. I do not live, I survive. I have the longest standing sexual abuse case in Canadian History. I was unable to have children because of it and have been left with damage to my brain. I have come to a point in my life, that I have accepted my reality. I am 52 and have been fighting for over 30 years. I am very tired of fighting in what feels like quicksand. My hope of all of this, is that I can get one more chance and if not, at the very least, get people talking. Don't judge a book by its cover. You never know the secrets they're hiding. God Bless you all. Candace/Candy Stevenson-Ion