Mental Health Blog/Ministry Startup Fund
Donation protected
Friends, family, and anyone else who has found themselves here,
This is long and maybe more personal than some are used to, but I felt it necessary as my situation is complicated and the reason I’m in it is often misunderstood (even by myself.) I also I felt it could be a chance to educate and help anyone else who may not know they are like me. Ultimately, you can think of this as a post on my blog, one of the factions I am raising money to support. Ironically, my relationships with marketing, social media, blogging, money, work, business, educating, receiving financial help, and leadership are all pretty damaged. So, creating this GoFundMe is part of engaging in those relationships to restore them and set the stage for success in the future.
So, first, allow me to introduce myself if we don't know each other. My name is Cam. I am a 30-year-old white, male, Christian, musician, songwriter, audio engineer, Eagle Scout, writer, and soon-to-be a professional therapist. I have a Bachelor's degree in Music-Recording Arts and I am working towards getting my Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary to become a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Colorado.
With my Master’s, I would love to create a Collective/Ministry for people to gather to explore and experience connection through our unique struggles and gifts concerning Christianity, Mental Health, and the Arts. As we are all given creative gifts by God, during our time together we could come up with creative ways to serve the communities around us, how to change church culture to include those with Mental Health struggles, and create a safe place for people to begin to explore their creative gifts they may not have had the place to do so anywhere else. Eventually, I would love to be able to run group therapy, design short mental health/spiritual growth classes, have open mics, offer expressive art therapies, and more, all framed within the context of our relationships with God. I feel there as deep longing and need for a place like this in our current culture and I would love to be one of the organizations working to fill that need.
From the list of attributes, talents, and achievements I mentioned, it would seem that I would be perfectly capable of being financially independent at this stage in my life. However, because of certain mental health challenges, it has been incredibly difficult to attain or consistently perform any of those throughout the years. My Eagle Scout rank took everything I had in me to create a plan for a project, design and build a Welcome Kiosk on AutoCAD, and lead the team of people to make it happen. It took me 6 years to finish my undergrad. I switched schools 3 times and majors twice, while failing, retaking, withdrawing, and appealing for tuition reimbursement for many courses, while at the same time excelling very well in many others. Alongside school, I have struggled immensely with simply being able to keep the easiest jobs to provide enough income for myself to meet basic needs. The repetitive cycle has been: find a job that I was really excited about, perform very well for a while, then when it becomes routine and I am emotionally exhausted, I would shamefully quit. Then, I would take a break for a while to recharge, finally get up the gusto to find another job, only to repeat the same process months later. It has been a huge source of confusion, frustration, shame, guilt, fear, and emotional pain for over a decade.
Recently, though, when meeting with my psychiatrist (the medical doctor who I consult about medications) we were able to make a tiny adjustment and find a missing solution: a stimulant medication called Ritalin.
Odds are you have heard about Ritalin, know someone who has taken it, or you might even take it yourself. I am aware of the drug’s negative reputation, but for me, it was nothing short of a miracle. Why? Because, among other struggles, I have what is called the ADHD Interest-based nervous system. Many people have heard about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder,) but hardly anyone including mental health practitioners or even the people that have it have been able to fully explain or understand the condition. However, recently there has been some new research that, for me, nails it the best I’ve seen.
In short, the condition means I can only organize myself to execute a task when something piques my interest, if it’s challenging, novel, or until there’s a crisis. For 90% of people, their brains organize and execute based on importance (what one should do) or the rewards/punishments for completing or not completing what they should do. Since 90% of people can function in a system based on importance, most of our schools and work environments are set up in this fashion, which leaves people like me in a difficult situation.
People with ADHD also don’t actually suffer from a deficit in attention but are attentive to many of interests at once. The struggle is to stay with one for a productive amount of time. When we can, we get “in the Zone” and all of our limitations fall away. What’s frustrating is we never really know when or how that happens. So, it’s a gamble whether I’ll ever be able to complete when it’s due or when a boss needs us to.
We also experience time curvilinearly instead of linearly. That means everything feels like it’s happening now rather than in a timeline. So, it’s difficult to organize a linear essay for class, carry out tasks in the way they are handed to me in work settings, or even organize a song. It's always felt like I was stuck in “innovate mode” with very little “edit mode.” I spent hours writing and rewriting or recording and re-recording music until I got a good take or a polished essay. Essentially, it was like translating my confusing “everything now” language into the world’s “organized” language.
When I took Ritalin, though, that changed. Within the first couple of minutes, the cloudy nebula in which my mind usually exists, suddenly got crystal clear. For years, I couldn’t clearly hear the musical parts or notes I was trying to play. I would hear the drum parts melded with the guitar parts on top of the vocal melodies. When I took Ritalin, everything separated and organized. I went home and played guitar found I could also play in time with a metronome and easily pick out the notes from a song I was listening to. When I went to write, I also found it was easier to understand and organize a piece for the “world’s language.” Suddenly, the world’s system’s like the economy, marketing, money, business, governments became much easier to understand. And what we can understand, we don’t fear or hate as much. So, now I have a chance to engage all these areas and begin to be a part of them without them making me very angry. The way I am made hasn't changed, though, it's simply easier for me function the way I am made in a world that isn't set up for me.
Ultimately, this is because I gained two crucial functions: dependable executive function and better impulse control. Executive function is the part of my brain that allows me to organize itself and do the things it's trying to do. Before Ritalin, something would have to be a very intense subject for this to engage. I would burn out simply trying to write a 5-page paper because I would have to somehow connect it to the Holocaust or something. Now it seems to engage without a need for such extremes and for longer periods. I still love deep, meaningful topics, but light, fun seems to come much easier, which is great! Impulse control is the ability to stop and think before acting and the benefits almost go without saying. I can’t think of anyone in the professional world that would trust someone to be in leadership that doesn’t have impulse control. If you’ve ever followed me on Facebook, now you know why there has been a steady stream of posts for nearly the last 9 years. I get excited about something and post it immediately without thinking. Now, I have much better control over that.
Finally, new research also points to an emotional component of the condition: incredibly high sensitivity to rejection. Officially, it’s called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD.) Dysphoria means “difficult to bear.” I have always felt the disapproval of others, even it’s just joking, to an extreme. I’ve described this, lyrically, as “every prick feels like a slice.” As other research has found, people experience emotional pain very similar physical pain, which means when people say they have a “broken heart” that’s because it feels quite similar to a broken leg. So, for me, a dissatisfied customer, friend, boss, parent, teacher, etc... often feels like (and I’m not exaggerating) getting struck with an ax to the heart or head. Additionally, because I’m in an environment asking me to do tasks in ways I’m not wired to respond, I have tended to hit myself with the ax over and over while at work because I feel so inadequate. Now, simply going to work is like asking me to go to a place where I've basically been emotionally abused for about 15 years and no one could see it. I get that may be difficult to believe. Even many of my past therapists didn’t get it because this sensitivity aspect has largely been missed or misunderstood in the field. It’s the absolute truth, though. Often when I do make it work I get a trauma response where I get blurry vision, feel disconnected from my body, thoughts, and emotions, and have a lot of difficulty focusing on any of the tasks I'm supposed to do. These are symptoms of something called depersonalization/derealization and you can read more on it here if you would like: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911
Which leads me to why I have started this fundraiser.
True to the condition, I find myself in a bad financial crisis. About a month ago, I once again ran out of the emotional capacity to handle work and have not been working since. Even if I begin to work at the Event Security job I have I will not get paid for a couple of weeks. Because of the large crowds, low wages, paying for parking, and burning gas to get there, it is a terrible place for me to work. Over the last month, I've relied on continual help from parents and a sponsor, but now that I have experienced the positive effects of Ritalin, I feel I have a chance to take a step towards supporting myself using the gifts I've been given while taking a short break from traditional work to give myself a chance to heal some more and have come up with a plan to do so.
The plan is as follows:
Continue to write, upgrade, and promote my blog Compassionate Rebel [317] to gain a following that could lead to the Artist Collective/Ministry I envision, return to Spiritual Emotional Counseling, and as I am able to, look for something new to have an income.
To support me through this season I am asking for $3,000. This will cover my personal expenses (food, gas, etc…,) until I find some other work, $230 for upgrading my blog to a Business plan, $50 to pay for initial Merch (stickers) to spread the name, and Spiritual Emotional Counseling, which is $100 a session or $350 for a discounted monthly price.
So, what’s the blog about?
Compassionate Rebel [317] is a character that reflects the way I see Jesus Christ, the man and Son of God I strive to model. He is the most controversial person in history and never did anything but love. He defied cultural stigmas, assumptions, and controlling hierarchy by extending grace and truth to anyone with whom He came in contact. I believe when we engage in an intentional, daily relationship with Christ, we can find the courage to do what it really takes to be unique: be the person God created us to be. So, the blog is framed within the context of how that has happened and continues to happen in my life, which includes the topics of Christianity, Mental Health, and the Arts. It’s a combination of my own place to write for my own therapy to heal (which can involve explicit content to name terrible things with terrible words, and often it's my inner thoughts which aren't always appropriate, but when I expose them to the light then they dissipate) to become more like Christ and also do some education by supplementing resources from leading experts on the topics, along with original or other influential artist's music, poetry, or film clips. The numbers [317] are a reference to Matthew 3:17 and John 3:17, among a few other meanings, and you can read more about that on the Compassionate Rebel? page found on the side menu.
Upgrading to the Business Plan will give me access to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) that will give people the best opportunity to generate traffic. I created the blog in December 2018, but over the last weeks, I have made many updates to the site’s layout, content, organization, and created a Facebook page and Instagram. I also added a page with links to my band’s music (The People In Your Ears). If you would like to support us, you pay-what-you-want for our 5-track album on BandCamp or come see us at a show in the future. Followers of the blog can also provide continued support for the page by purchasing Hope Tokens for $5 that will go directly towards more upgrades to the site and paying for new material to enrich the content. Once I get Merch made, I will also add a link for followers to order. So, please feel free to check it out at https://compassionaterebel317.blog/ Feel free to check it out and if you like the content, go to the bottom of the Home page and share it with people you know, sign up for weekly emails, and follow me on Facebook and Instagram.
As I mentioned, the long term vision of the blog is I hope to gain a following of people that would like to begin to meet as a community as the Collective/Ministry. Recently, I listened to an interview on Donald Miller’s StoryBrand podcast where a professional artist talked about the positive experience of community with other artists that served to stimulate her creativity. That is the type of community I hope to create combined with mental health and the Gospel. You can listen to that podcast by following the link I post on my next blog post.
Alright, to summarize, the best ways to help me right now are as follows:
1. Buy as many Hope Tokens ($5) at the bottom of the Home page on www.compassionaterebel317.blog for the quickest way and lowest transfer to my bank account through PayPal.
2. Donate to this GoFundMe for a longer withdrawal time and bigger transfer fee.
Either method will cover:
a. My personal expenses (food, gas,..etc)
b. Business Plan upgrades ($230) and Merch ($100)
c. Spiritual Emotional Counseling ($100 a session, or $350 for a month)
So, that’s it. That’s where I am, today. As my brain has basically only begun to work reliably two weeks ago, bear with me as I figure out the details of marketing, learning how to use the WordPress software to make my site, and improve my writing. Part of the scope of the blog is to actually show that process. Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to read this and SO MUCH if you decide to support me! I hope you can understand my situation and see the effort I am making to find a way to make the way I am made to help myself and others. I encourage you to take a look at the links I’ve posted below to learn more about ADHD and a full explanation of the condition/gift. Please share this page with anyone who could help. God bless and I will be praying for all of you.
- Cam
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/positives-of-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/download/secrets-of-the-adhd-brain /
This is long and maybe more personal than some are used to, but I felt it necessary as my situation is complicated and the reason I’m in it is often misunderstood (even by myself.) I also I felt it could be a chance to educate and help anyone else who may not know they are like me. Ultimately, you can think of this as a post on my blog, one of the factions I am raising money to support. Ironically, my relationships with marketing, social media, blogging, money, work, business, educating, receiving financial help, and leadership are all pretty damaged. So, creating this GoFundMe is part of engaging in those relationships to restore them and set the stage for success in the future.
So, first, allow me to introduce myself if we don't know each other. My name is Cam. I am a 30-year-old white, male, Christian, musician, songwriter, audio engineer, Eagle Scout, writer, and soon-to-be a professional therapist. I have a Bachelor's degree in Music-Recording Arts and I am working towards getting my Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Denver Seminary to become a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Colorado.
With my Master’s, I would love to create a Collective/Ministry for people to gather to explore and experience connection through our unique struggles and gifts concerning Christianity, Mental Health, and the Arts. As we are all given creative gifts by God, during our time together we could come up with creative ways to serve the communities around us, how to change church culture to include those with Mental Health struggles, and create a safe place for people to begin to explore their creative gifts they may not have had the place to do so anywhere else. Eventually, I would love to be able to run group therapy, design short mental health/spiritual growth classes, have open mics, offer expressive art therapies, and more, all framed within the context of our relationships with God. I feel there as deep longing and need for a place like this in our current culture and I would love to be one of the organizations working to fill that need.
From the list of attributes, talents, and achievements I mentioned, it would seem that I would be perfectly capable of being financially independent at this stage in my life. However, because of certain mental health challenges, it has been incredibly difficult to attain or consistently perform any of those throughout the years. My Eagle Scout rank took everything I had in me to create a plan for a project, design and build a Welcome Kiosk on AutoCAD, and lead the team of people to make it happen. It took me 6 years to finish my undergrad. I switched schools 3 times and majors twice, while failing, retaking, withdrawing, and appealing for tuition reimbursement for many courses, while at the same time excelling very well in many others. Alongside school, I have struggled immensely with simply being able to keep the easiest jobs to provide enough income for myself to meet basic needs. The repetitive cycle has been: find a job that I was really excited about, perform very well for a while, then when it becomes routine and I am emotionally exhausted, I would shamefully quit. Then, I would take a break for a while to recharge, finally get up the gusto to find another job, only to repeat the same process months later. It has been a huge source of confusion, frustration, shame, guilt, fear, and emotional pain for over a decade.
Recently, though, when meeting with my psychiatrist (the medical doctor who I consult about medications) we were able to make a tiny adjustment and find a missing solution: a stimulant medication called Ritalin.
Odds are you have heard about Ritalin, know someone who has taken it, or you might even take it yourself. I am aware of the drug’s negative reputation, but for me, it was nothing short of a miracle. Why? Because, among other struggles, I have what is called the ADHD Interest-based nervous system. Many people have heard about ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder,) but hardly anyone including mental health practitioners or even the people that have it have been able to fully explain or understand the condition. However, recently there has been some new research that, for me, nails it the best I’ve seen.
In short, the condition means I can only organize myself to execute a task when something piques my interest, if it’s challenging, novel, or until there’s a crisis. For 90% of people, their brains organize and execute based on importance (what one should do) or the rewards/punishments for completing or not completing what they should do. Since 90% of people can function in a system based on importance, most of our schools and work environments are set up in this fashion, which leaves people like me in a difficult situation.
People with ADHD also don’t actually suffer from a deficit in attention but are attentive to many of interests at once. The struggle is to stay with one for a productive amount of time. When we can, we get “in the Zone” and all of our limitations fall away. What’s frustrating is we never really know when or how that happens. So, it’s a gamble whether I’ll ever be able to complete when it’s due or when a boss needs us to.
We also experience time curvilinearly instead of linearly. That means everything feels like it’s happening now rather than in a timeline. So, it’s difficult to organize a linear essay for class, carry out tasks in the way they are handed to me in work settings, or even organize a song. It's always felt like I was stuck in “innovate mode” with very little “edit mode.” I spent hours writing and rewriting or recording and re-recording music until I got a good take or a polished essay. Essentially, it was like translating my confusing “everything now” language into the world’s “organized” language.
When I took Ritalin, though, that changed. Within the first couple of minutes, the cloudy nebula in which my mind usually exists, suddenly got crystal clear. For years, I couldn’t clearly hear the musical parts or notes I was trying to play. I would hear the drum parts melded with the guitar parts on top of the vocal melodies. When I took Ritalin, everything separated and organized. I went home and played guitar found I could also play in time with a metronome and easily pick out the notes from a song I was listening to. When I went to write, I also found it was easier to understand and organize a piece for the “world’s language.” Suddenly, the world’s system’s like the economy, marketing, money, business, governments became much easier to understand. And what we can understand, we don’t fear or hate as much. So, now I have a chance to engage all these areas and begin to be a part of them without them making me very angry. The way I am made hasn't changed, though, it's simply easier for me function the way I am made in a world that isn't set up for me.
Ultimately, this is because I gained two crucial functions: dependable executive function and better impulse control. Executive function is the part of my brain that allows me to organize itself and do the things it's trying to do. Before Ritalin, something would have to be a very intense subject for this to engage. I would burn out simply trying to write a 5-page paper because I would have to somehow connect it to the Holocaust or something. Now it seems to engage without a need for such extremes and for longer periods. I still love deep, meaningful topics, but light, fun seems to come much easier, which is great! Impulse control is the ability to stop and think before acting and the benefits almost go without saying. I can’t think of anyone in the professional world that would trust someone to be in leadership that doesn’t have impulse control. If you’ve ever followed me on Facebook, now you know why there has been a steady stream of posts for nearly the last 9 years. I get excited about something and post it immediately without thinking. Now, I have much better control over that.
Finally, new research also points to an emotional component of the condition: incredibly high sensitivity to rejection. Officially, it’s called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD.) Dysphoria means “difficult to bear.” I have always felt the disapproval of others, even it’s just joking, to an extreme. I’ve described this, lyrically, as “every prick feels like a slice.” As other research has found, people experience emotional pain very similar physical pain, which means when people say they have a “broken heart” that’s because it feels quite similar to a broken leg. So, for me, a dissatisfied customer, friend, boss, parent, teacher, etc... often feels like (and I’m not exaggerating) getting struck with an ax to the heart or head. Additionally, because I’m in an environment asking me to do tasks in ways I’m not wired to respond, I have tended to hit myself with the ax over and over while at work because I feel so inadequate. Now, simply going to work is like asking me to go to a place where I've basically been emotionally abused for about 15 years and no one could see it. I get that may be difficult to believe. Even many of my past therapists didn’t get it because this sensitivity aspect has largely been missed or misunderstood in the field. It’s the absolute truth, though. Often when I do make it work I get a trauma response where I get blurry vision, feel disconnected from my body, thoughts, and emotions, and have a lot of difficulty focusing on any of the tasks I'm supposed to do. These are symptoms of something called depersonalization/derealization and you can read more on it here if you would like: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911
Which leads me to why I have started this fundraiser.
True to the condition, I find myself in a bad financial crisis. About a month ago, I once again ran out of the emotional capacity to handle work and have not been working since. Even if I begin to work at the Event Security job I have I will not get paid for a couple of weeks. Because of the large crowds, low wages, paying for parking, and burning gas to get there, it is a terrible place for me to work. Over the last month, I've relied on continual help from parents and a sponsor, but now that I have experienced the positive effects of Ritalin, I feel I have a chance to take a step towards supporting myself using the gifts I've been given while taking a short break from traditional work to give myself a chance to heal some more and have come up with a plan to do so.
The plan is as follows:
Continue to write, upgrade, and promote my blog Compassionate Rebel [317] to gain a following that could lead to the Artist Collective/Ministry I envision, return to Spiritual Emotional Counseling, and as I am able to, look for something new to have an income.
To support me through this season I am asking for $3,000. This will cover my personal expenses (food, gas, etc…,) until I find some other work, $230 for upgrading my blog to a Business plan, $50 to pay for initial Merch (stickers) to spread the name, and Spiritual Emotional Counseling, which is $100 a session or $350 for a discounted monthly price.
So, what’s the blog about?
Compassionate Rebel [317] is a character that reflects the way I see Jesus Christ, the man and Son of God I strive to model. He is the most controversial person in history and never did anything but love. He defied cultural stigmas, assumptions, and controlling hierarchy by extending grace and truth to anyone with whom He came in contact. I believe when we engage in an intentional, daily relationship with Christ, we can find the courage to do what it really takes to be unique: be the person God created us to be. So, the blog is framed within the context of how that has happened and continues to happen in my life, which includes the topics of Christianity, Mental Health, and the Arts. It’s a combination of my own place to write for my own therapy to heal (which can involve explicit content to name terrible things with terrible words, and often it's my inner thoughts which aren't always appropriate, but when I expose them to the light then they dissipate) to become more like Christ and also do some education by supplementing resources from leading experts on the topics, along with original or other influential artist's music, poetry, or film clips. The numbers [317] are a reference to Matthew 3:17 and John 3:17, among a few other meanings, and you can read more about that on the Compassionate Rebel? page found on the side menu.
Upgrading to the Business Plan will give me access to Search Engine Optimization (SEO) that will give people the best opportunity to generate traffic. I created the blog in December 2018, but over the last weeks, I have made many updates to the site’s layout, content, organization, and created a Facebook page and Instagram. I also added a page with links to my band’s music (The People In Your Ears). If you would like to support us, you pay-what-you-want for our 5-track album on BandCamp or come see us at a show in the future. Followers of the blog can also provide continued support for the page by purchasing Hope Tokens for $5 that will go directly towards more upgrades to the site and paying for new material to enrich the content. Once I get Merch made, I will also add a link for followers to order. So, please feel free to check it out at https://compassionaterebel317.blog/ Feel free to check it out and if you like the content, go to the bottom of the Home page and share it with people you know, sign up for weekly emails, and follow me on Facebook and Instagram.
As I mentioned, the long term vision of the blog is I hope to gain a following of people that would like to begin to meet as a community as the Collective/Ministry. Recently, I listened to an interview on Donald Miller’s StoryBrand podcast where a professional artist talked about the positive experience of community with other artists that served to stimulate her creativity. That is the type of community I hope to create combined with mental health and the Gospel. You can listen to that podcast by following the link I post on my next blog post.
Alright, to summarize, the best ways to help me right now are as follows:
1. Buy as many Hope Tokens ($5) at the bottom of the Home page on www.compassionaterebel317.blog for the quickest way and lowest transfer to my bank account through PayPal.
2. Donate to this GoFundMe for a longer withdrawal time and bigger transfer fee.
Either method will cover:
a. My personal expenses (food, gas,..etc)
b. Business Plan upgrades ($230) and Merch ($100)
c. Spiritual Emotional Counseling ($100 a session, or $350 for a month)
So, that’s it. That’s where I am, today. As my brain has basically only begun to work reliably two weeks ago, bear with me as I figure out the details of marketing, learning how to use the WordPress software to make my site, and improve my writing. Part of the scope of the blog is to actually show that process. Thank you SO MUCH for taking the time to read this and SO MUCH if you decide to support me! I hope you can understand my situation and see the effort I am making to find a way to make the way I am made to help myself and others. I encourage you to take a look at the links I’ve posted below to learn more about ADHD and a full explanation of the condition/gift. Please share this page with anyone who could help. God bless and I will be praying for all of you.
- Cam
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/positives-of-adhd/ https://www.additudemag.com/download/secrets-of-the-adhd-brain /
Organizer
Cam Collins
Organizer
Littleton, CO
