From too weak to walk to aspiring PT

I recently turned 30.

Three. Zero.

That's a big birthday for anyone.

But for me, it was life-changing — because I didn't think I'd live to see it.

The story of my eating disorder is one I have told, absentmindedly, for my entire adult life. Not through memorising it. That would suggest it was off-script. Something I had to learn. In reality, it has been my entire vocabulary. This language of anorexia. My only way of communicating with myself, with others, with the world.

I have vague memories of a time before it, and all I can remember is that my eating disorder felt easier than the alternative. To exist without pain, self-loathing, or discomfort in my own skin. I wasn’t sure I would ever recover from it... In fact, I was positive I wouldn't. Yet, as I write this, I am slowly forgetting. That feeling of insanity. Of drowning. Of slowly dying and being unable to stop myself.

That voice in my head.

I am, by some miracle, worlds away from the person I was, and relearning a new way of life that is fuelled by the desire to exist at capacity. To spill over. To split at the seams of the things that once held me together and to take up space in my own life. And I owe it to the gym. To fitness and health.

It gave me my body back. My mind. My eyes. It taught me how to trust myself, to talk to myself, to see myself. It let me accept who was I, when I'd spent an entire life trying to run away from her.

I still can’t quite believe that it is fading away, but what isn’t is the promise I made to myself - that if I recovered, I would dedicate the rest of my life to helping others. Which brings me to this. Becoming a personal trainer.

If using my journey to become a PT means I can give at least one person hope, self-love, a kinder inner monologue, and the belief that their life can be better, then I’d go through it all again. If I can help at least one person realise just how strong they are, I’d consider myself successful.

After 15 years of existing on the cusp of death, I can now take a full breath and feel safe to be alive. So this is me, asking for help, to help others.

This money will help me study and gain an official PT qualification so I fulfill my promise and help as many people as possible. All donations will go towards funding the course.