Keep Laura Kay Alive

It is with great humility and humbleness that I write this.  I have been struggling with mental illness and suicidal ideation since I was a child.  I am 50-years old.  6-years ago I had a near-death experience which has left with me with concussion and lungs that will never be the same.  I my perimenopausal phase of my life (having never been pregnant) I can literally FEEL my mental illness going rapidly in decline with the hormonal imbalance.  I had a psychotic break about a year and a half ago.  Since then I've had PTSD flashbacks about my drowning and generally overstimulated by any sensory experience (to the point of aggravation - the endless construction noise all around my house drives me to the point that I just want to hide in bed all day with pillows over my ears).  I am a yoga teacher so I teach all about love, compassion and patience for oneself.  I do practice that, but despite me teaching/practicing yoga, being on a vegan diet (for the animals), being alcohol-free (recovering alcoholic) I still go from simple ideation of suicide to actually planning it out (like where, how and when I would do it).  I've already drawn up a will (I am property rich and cash poor) for my land/house/yoga studio to be donated to an Animal Rescue Charity in Panama City, Panama.  The need for an animal rescue shelter on this small island in so needed. So needed.  The heart-break of some of my rescued pets dying seemed to have kicked off this darkness.  I tried ayahuasca and other psychedelic therapy to explore and try to heal, but it seems to put me further down the rabbit-hole of darkness.   This could just be a bipolar mood swing, but it feel different this time.  There is no psychiatrist on the island!  I have no family in this country.  I tried to live without proper medication for YEARS just to save money, as living on this island has gotten super expensive, as more and more growth comes and threatens my business (I literally only charge five to six dollars for a yoga class, despite ALL of my extensive, expensive training).  When I moved to Bocas Del Toro, Panama in 2006, and opened my yoga studio in 2009, Bocas Del Toro was an iIdyllic wonderland.  I was scammed out of $50,000 - a harsh reality, like "welcome to Paradise".  Now the island town in which I live population growth and growth of new hotels going up beyond building regulations (taller building, building out in coral reef, mangroves) are taking over by foreign corporate conglomerates.  I have dual citizenship, both U.S. and Panama, as I was born in the Panama Canal Zone in November, 1968, so when I built my studio, I built it up to code and is legit.  Now it seems anything goes, and it's destroying the beauty, at least in town, where I am stuck (as I had to sell my truck for financial reasons).  I am such a proud person that it truly feels like I am on my knees begging, and that is NOT the person I am.  I suppose I am swallowing my pride and starting this page as a LAST RESORT.  The amount I put above is for one year of the medications I need to keep me from going over the ledge.  Thank you.  I am so grateful for anything.  Please take the time to read my Trip Advisor reviews As you will see I DO make a POSITIVE impact on many people from all over the world.  For this I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled, because I don't see myself as that strong.  But according the the reviews, I must be doing something right.  Basically when I teach, I say all the things to my students that I wish was said to me though my whole life, but never heard - that you are a good person and worthy of love, compassion, and you do deserve to take up space on this planet and do not deserve to be shamed.  I am child-free-by-choice so I would not pass on this inheritable illness.  Thank you.