Jess’ Make A Wish

Hi friends,

Thank you guys for all the messages, shares and donations. It’s been a bit surreal, and I feel so loved and cared for! I’m so so grateful to have such a community around me :)

 

Original post: Thanks for caring and clicking and reading

 

The synopsis is: in 2019, at 27 years old, I was diagnosed with HER2+ stage 3c breast cancer. No genetics for it, just a fluke. I went through chemo, surgery, radiation and immunotherapy, and I was declared cancer free. (You can find that journey on instagram with #jayandjaybeatcancer You can keep up with my current experience on that instagram too - jessiegracecoolidge )

 

October 2021: I was told my cancer had returned. Now it’s in my lungs and I have mets in other places. I’ve been told I have 3 or 4 years left to live.

 

Everyone’s been asking me what I want to do with my time. 1. I want to and am keeping my inner circle very very close and making the most of my feel-good days while I’m in treatment. And 2. I really want to go on one last adventure with my hubby. My travel bucket list was long and wonderful, but if I only get one more place, I want it to be Africa.

 

I am usually a very independent, do-it-yourself person. ESPECIALLY when it comes to finances. But, I just don’t have time to make this happen by myself. So this is my “make a wish.”

 

There are absolutely better places to give your money to. If you want to donate to breast cancer causes, I can share some of my faves. But if you have a little extra, I’d be so grateful for you helping me check one last thing off my bucket list. 

EDIT: You guys made this dream come true in 48hrs! I’m so grateful, thank you! :) We are putting plans together for Africa - fingers crossed, covid permitting - we’ll go autumn 2022.

There are practical things this money will go towards too. I won’t be working again, and I’d really love to keep our house as long as possible. We don’t have benefits right now and meds cost money. I’m also thinking about the future and my hospice care. If you can help me handle the financial needs now, that’s something we won’t have to think about then.

 

This was already bloggy. I have no idea how to write something like this. But if you want more of my current experience, you can keep reading.

 

I’ve been a part of a lot of beautiful communities in my life, and I know a lot of people have a deep concern for me. I’m so grateful for that. So I’m going to answer the question only one person’s been brave enough to ask: how does it feel to know you’re going to die.

 

When I was told cancer was back, I knew this was it. It felt like crushing grief for my family. For my family of origin who is the best. The absolute best. I’ve been bragging about them since I entered kindergarten and realized how lucky I am. And mostly for my perfect-for-me hubby. What a shit card. We got married young - 23/24 - so we might get ten years. My hubby is going to be a widower in his thirties. Ya, that still wrecks me to think about.

In the days after diagnosis, I contacted all my favourite people and had to break this news to them. I have really, really good people in my life. They’re my favourite part about being alive. That was the hardest thing to do.

 

When my biopsy came back a couple weeks later and we sat down with my oncologist for the final verdict, I was prepared to be depressed. But when he shared my prognosis, it was just confirmation of what I already knew. In my spirit, I had already rested with three years. It’s like the last puzzle piece of my life clicked into place.

 

I’m a spark. I was never supposed to be around for a long time. I could never picture myself growing old. I couldn’t settle into the rhythm of adulthood. And I could never explain it in a way that made sense, so I’ve just felt very out of place. I’ve always been deeply fascinated with the stories of the ones who die young and deeply resonated with them. In a way that makes sense now. To me. I know it doesn’t make sense to you. That’s because your journey is to grow old. Mine never was.

 

I was asked if it feels like relief (that I won’t be growing old). Which after this last year, is a very valid question and caused me to reflect a little bit. This last year in remission, I was quite a lot depressed. I said I had a “passive death wish.” (Which is pretty common with cancer survivors.) But that broke a good month before my second diagnosis. So no, that’s not what it is. I very much want to be alive.

 

This just feels meant to be. Something my soul always knew, and now my head does too. I am okay. I am very, very okay.

 

Chemo sucks a lot a lot. Definitely my worst so far. I want to quit some days. Grief is a roller coaster, and it comes in waves. And sometimes, I’m overwhelmed with desperation to not miss anything (I know I will miss some big things I’d rather be physically here for), and I have to ride that out too.

 

But I’m so proud of my life. I’m so proud of who I became. I worked so hard to become her. And I know I’ll keep becoming. Not many people get to say they grabbed life and lived it to the fullest. But I do. It may be short, but I lived it. And I have no regrets.

 

You can be sad and angry for me and us and process that. But I think we all have a life journey that only we know how to live. I’m equipped for mine. We can do this. And it’s going to be okay.

this is a blog Joel and I started when we lived in Australia