Defeat Depression: Final Countdown
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You may have known me my whole life or you may not know me at all.... I just want to be happy.
I don't claim to be the most unfortunate person in the world in fact, I know I'm fortunate in quite a few ways, however, I'm not happy.
And what I want most in this world is to be happy.
Ive been battling depression for as long as I can remember. School was filled with bullies, I was made fun of daily, told to my face I was ugly and fat. Home was a broken one, as the oldest offspring my childhood was stolen at 9 for my younger sisters. And no matter what I did, it was never good enough to please. By the time high school came around I was convinced I was all wrong in every way and no one could ever love me. Lunches spent in the library to avoid the "moos" yelled out from the popular kids in the quad. Continuing into early adulthood, I spent my days working two jobs, going to school and trying to understand why I was born at all. Any friend I ever had growing up had either moved away or just didnt care to speak to me anymore. I used what I could give people to make any friend fulling knowing that when the goods ran out so would they, but what other choice did I have... Spending nights alone crying myself to sleep wasnt helping.
It took a long time, 30+ therapists and loads of anti-depressants to get me to now; where I accept what I am and dont really care what any one thinks. I play my own rules to everyday games, march to the beat of my own drums and sing to myself in public like no one is watching, but still... Im just not happy.
I think:
-I might be happy with never having children or even finding someone that loves and wants to have a family with me if I had a few close friends I could really count on and dont forget about me. A friend that I could call on a really bad day and have no doubt that although they may not be able to drop everything but they would at least allow me a shoulder to cry on.
-I might be happy never winning the lottery or making an ungodly amount of money if I could find a job that didn't lay me off after a year of hard work; 7 times now despite 2 Medical Billing and Coding Certificates AND a national coding license. Why go back to school and take on more student loans if the first two aren't doing me any good?
-I might even be happy with the roof over my head if it wasn't a constant reminder that the only person that's ever been consistantly on my side died in the living room. I cant even set foot in that room anymore.
But I am fortunate in so many ways, I know this... why cant I be happy, I dont know. I constantly make two steps progress and then life kicks me back five. No matter how hard I try and how far I get, life has never rewarded me with anything to smile for.
Ive watched as all my friends and siblings have fallen in love, had kids, start careers, buy homes... smile for all the blessings life has bestowed upon them. Yet here I am, 36 with nothing to show for it but an ocean of tears and scars. In virtually the same place I was born and raised... And have tried so hard to escape.
I think:
-I might be happy with never having children or even finding someone that loves and wants to have a family with me if I had a few close friends I could really count on and dont forget about me. A friend that I could call on a really bad day and have no doubt that although they may not be able to drop everything but they would at least allow me a shoulder to cry on.
-I might be happy never winning the lottery or making an ungodly amount of money if I could find a job that didn't lay me off after a year of hard work; 7 times now despite 2 Medical Billing and Coding Certificates AND a national coding license. Why go back to school and take on more student loans if the first two aren't doing me any good?
-I might even be happy with the roof over my head if it wasn't a constant reminder that the only person that's ever been consistantly on my side died in the living room. I cant even set foot in that room anymore.
But I am fortunate in so many ways, I know this... why cant I be happy, I dont know. I constantly make two steps progress and then life kicks me back five. No matter how hard I try and how far I get, life has never rewarded me with anything to smile for.
Ive watched as all my friends and siblings have fallen in love, had kids, start careers, buy homes... smile for all the blessings life has bestowed upon them. Yet here I am, 36 with nothing to show for it but an ocean of tears and scars. In virtually the same place I was born and raised... And have tried so hard to escape.
So many of you all say Im young, I could still fall in love, have kids, get a decent job, be a success at something... and maybe that's true. But I know that wherever that stuff is to be found, its not here.
So.... Olympia, Washington, here I come! If it's where I'll land, I don't know but it's where I've chosen to begin what could be the best choice I have ever made AND is the only choice I've ever made with me as the sole person in mind.
With no job, few real friends, no significant other... I have no strings here anymore. I just dont have any money. Finances have stood in the way at every junction in my life. My savings from my most recent job was drained since being on disability from my 4th back surgery in October. And having been laid off last May, Im starting from square one, yet again.
So... I'm saving what I can of a little over $1000/monthly but I'm also trying to survive. Can't officially work again until May 1st so that will be the day I officially take Washington residence.
All my big pre-travel expenses are taken care of so any help given goes purely to travel costs and living costs upon arrival. Years of thrifty living has proven what I can do with only $5.
Bet you could find that in your couch.
P.S. The picture you see was taken down the street from my uncles home in Anchorage, AK. I think the photo represents my future, a long road ahead with an unknown ending destination.
So.... Olympia, Washington, here I come! If it's where I'll land, I don't know but it's where I've chosen to begin what could be the best choice I have ever made AND is the only choice I've ever made with me as the sole person in mind.
With no job, few real friends, no significant other... I have no strings here anymore. I just dont have any money. Finances have stood in the way at every junction in my life. My savings from my most recent job was drained since being on disability from my 4th back surgery in October. And having been laid off last May, Im starting from square one, yet again.
So... I'm saving what I can of a little over $1000/monthly but I'm also trying to survive. Can't officially work again until May 1st so that will be the day I officially take Washington residence.
All my big pre-travel expenses are taken care of so any help given goes purely to travel costs and living costs upon arrival. Years of thrifty living has proven what I can do with only $5.
Bet you could find that in your couch.
P.S. The picture you see was taken down the street from my uncles home in Anchorage, AK. I think the photo represents my future, a long road ahead with an unknown ending destination.
Organizer
Nicole Haller
Organizer
San Leandro, CA
