I’m asking for help, but before doing so am sharing my truth with you. It may make you think of me differently, or question my past behaviors or intentions but please, I’m begging I guess, remember it’s all me. I’m the one you played with last week, the one you’ve been texting, the one you say hi to when i walk in the theater or at family get-togethers. It’s all me, and all of those me’s are okay, and were okay, and there’s nothing you could’ve done to know that there was a part of me that wasn’t doing okay at all.
Twice in the last three weeks, I have self-harmed to a severity that ended me in the ER. The first time out of fear of what the action meant, the second because I had harmed enough I didn’t know if I’d done something that would actually end my time around these parts. And that’s scary.
In the two weeks leading up to my first attempt, I had been calling in almost every day because I wasn’t doing well physically, mentally, and emotionally. When my first attempt happened on the 8th, almost 20 days ago I took medical leave. Today was supposed to be my first day back, and though I didn’t feel like I had a choice because I am so indebted to every person and institution from the past and in the near future that there were no other options. I started to ignore the fact that for the last few days I’ve been getting more suicidal ideations, and that my texts to friends were becoming increasingly lengthy as I tried to convey my love and appreciation for them. I ignored them because my financial situation is such that it can’t be thought of for too long without sending me down a dangerous cycle.
I’ve never felt as much of a burden as I do right now, in so many ways in my life. With the cost of 2 ER trips, therapy, rent, car payments, electric bills, personal loans, food, gas, pretending to be normal around people and accepting invitations even though I don’t have the money because I just want to be fucking normal for a while, medications (don’t get me started on my meds situation), medicine for a cold or allergies or something that won’t go away, other medical appointments (I’m getting pink eye too, what a life), I am not able to cover anything.
Especially not when I’ve been out of the workplace for over a month, and feel like I need at least one more week of self-care through daily therapy, medication consultations and out-patient programs for depression. This is where I ask for help and hate myself, immensely,
But my most recent attempt made realize something. What I was wanting, to die, wasn’t the ONLY option. Some were so embarrassing and vulnerable and risky and anxiety-inducing that I’d rather die than pursue them. Except I realized I don’t want to die. I want to continue to be a great friend for those I love, a loving daughter, sister, cousin, or niece. I want to see Luna again. I want to be an active member of a community I love and work for change so that no matter what happens to me, people have the same opportunities and feelings of love and support I had while at ColdTowne, and UT, and everywhere else.
I don’t know how to conclude this message except to say I love and trust you. If you’re still here, reading this, I hope you are still able to remember nothing about me has changed. This was all going on while you thought things were okay with me. I’m the same as I was then, just now with a transparency layer added.
I love you.
P.s. i still love bits pls don’t become so weird around me that we can’t even do bits because then you are taking away my baby.
- Vivie Behrens
- Nathan Simmons
- Michelle Edwards
- Josh Brenner
- Sandra Fountain
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