Cloe's Florida Fund

Well guys, I've come to a realization.

I'm pretty sure if I don't leave home soon, I won't be making it another year in my life. My bedroom is a damn prison cell. I didn't go to the bathroom for eight hours after I woke up (sixteen total, including sleep) because nobody else in my house was awake and if I did go and somebody woke up, I'd hear more soul destroying shit than I could ever handle without hurting myself. I've constantly asked my Mom to put a toilet in my closet but she always says no. Today I got lunch with some of the last money of my social security check (a Gyro from Arby's) after I met with the person at my clinic who's trying to help me get a job, and I ate it in my closet in under three minutes because my uncle was sleeping in the next room and if I woke him, all hell would break loose considering he told me off this morning all because I tried to tell my dad I was leaving and my dad was asleep.

I only leave the house to go to appointments at my clinic, and I only leave my room when nobody else is in the house (there's a trailer in the backyard my Dad and Uncle go to often, so I can use the bathroom then.). I don't even eat until dinner most days because if I disturb them or piss them off, then it's my head being torn off.

I've been constantly yelled at, told I'm a "dumb bitch", told that I'm tearing my family apart when it's really their extreme overreactions that do it. They scream for hours, wake up my mom and I, drag us into arguments that have nothing to do with us, say things to intentionally hurt us (My Dad took a shot at me and my faith today saying how "Entitled" young contemporary christians were with everything, including faith, even though he only goes to church maybe once a year and I went to a bible college and am an ordained minister), and just think an apology can wipe it away. I bought a carton of cigarettes last month that should have lasted me two months and they stole three packs of my cigarettes without ever telling me (and when I called them out on it, they said they'd replace them. Spoiler alert- they didn't.). Mom tells me all the time that they don't know any better because they were raised this way, and all of their friends were too. I've tried so hard to do everything right, but it usually ends up blowing up in my face anyways. Everything becomes my fault. I'm the never-ending scapegoat.

But I don't want to [I]be[/I] that anymore. I want to know what it's like to actually have a life. I want to see people, I want to be out in the world and not confined to a room. I want to know what it's like to not have to live in constant fear of screwing everything up. I want to be able to go to the bathroom, to get something to eat, to walk around in my house (I literally only go into the bathroom, My mom's room, and my room. I only ever go into the kitchen if my mom is home, and I eat at the dining room table, but I run like hell to get out of there the second I'm done because there's always a good chance a blow up will happen.), to actually sit in a living room for once without always keeping an eye on the garage door and making some excuse to go back to my room the second it opens.

I'm so exhausted from living this way. And I know living like this is just making my mental health problems even worse. At this point there isn't a day when I don't cry to myself at night. I'm sleeping eight hours but I always wake up exhausted. I don't see anybody outside of my house except the staff at my clinic. My friends are all spread out over my state and I usually can't afford to go and see them, plus they're all busy with their jobs. I don't have any other family here, either. I have no place to go to get out of here except maybe a homeless shelter, and I've considered that a lot but I would feel terrible leaving my dog in that mess. He doesn't deserve it, and he's so attached to me that I don't know what he'd do if I wasn't there anymore.

Florida is it. It's my last resort. My aunt and uncle live there, and they could take me for a while if I stayed with them. I've started applying for jobs out there because [I]Dear God[/I] If I don't get out of here, I don't know how I'm going to make it. I cannot live as a prisoner here forever, and I refuse to be the scapegoat for two shitty men who refuse to get any help or change. If they want to live like two rabid wolves fighting over a steak, then whatever, but I am [I]not[/I] going to be the steak. I want so much more than what I can have here. I want to be [I]alive[/I] instead of a puppet for somebody pulling my strings.

I'd rather be homeless in Florida than be here with my family destroying me. I've asked my Mom why she doesn't divorce my Dad- and I've asked a lot, believe me- and she always says "He wasn't like that when I married him", and "I can't afford a divorce" and "I still love him" and as much as I love her it just really pisses me off to think about the fact that she's too timid to tell them off when she's the one who pays all the bills here. I've told her she can just kick them out, but she's always like "Then they'd have nowhere to go, and I can't live with that on my conscience.". I always point out the obvious there- "So you'd rather you and I live in misery than have them out of here so we could live actual lives?", and she never says anything. I admire her level of commitment and kindness, but this is not about kindness, this is about surviving long enough to live real lives.

I've spent twenty four years in hell, and I just want to see what heaven could look like. Where you get stressed about things you should [I]actually stress about[/I], like paying bills or getting to work on time, not stressed about when to open your bedroom door to use the bathroom and when you're going to get to eat because your fear is so paralyzing you literally can't move. I want to be able to go places, and see people I love. I want to be able to not have people constantly tell me everything is my fault. I want to see the sun set on a beach, and I want to see what life could look like for me.

Please help me get out of my own personal hell. I want a chance to see what life should really be.