Trying to get home

I recently separated from the love of my life. I was sent to California to restart my life in hopes of making things better for myself. Well it was the biggest mistake of my life. I have fallen into the most depressing state of my life. So now I am trying to get back to Palm Beach to the VA to check myself in. I am slowly breaking day by day and very scared. 

When people ask me if Im ok, the simple answer is No. I am not ok. Im stuck with depressing thoughts from the second I wake up to the minute I go to bed. I wake up hoping this is some horrible nightmare, only to open my eyes an realize it's reality. A reality that is eating me alive from the inside out. I have nothing left in this world. I have officially hit rock bottom, and keep going. I pray everyday I get hit by a bus, I pray I can find an empty hole to crawl into and disappear forever. I pray Beck understands that I am sorry, and that she knows how truly sorry I am. How she has shown me rock bottom and without her, I am empty. I pray everyone accepts my apologies. Someday, just someday, Beck will understand the struggles. I thought she abandoned me. I was mad at her. It wasn't her fault, I pushed her to her breaking point. I pushed myself to this point. I am alone. I have no will to live anymore. I wish she gave me the slightest tinge of hope. Instead I get text from a certain person telling me nobody wants me around, I'm better off far away. It fuels my demons. It shows she really doesnt care. There is no fight left in me anymore. There is nothing. I have said and done things to people I regret. I am not finding any resolution worth fighting for. I cry, I cry so much, not about me, but what I have done to those I love. Everyone says I will get over it, be strong. But I have no strength left. I have no desires to stand up and fight anymore. Everyday these demons tie another rope around me and anchor me to the bottom. Everyone says I'll move on but they don't understand the love I have for her. I've had to do a lot of soul searching, and I realize I have no soul without her. I am an empty shell. I wish I wish she could see the pain I have caused her and how I am paying for it. I wish I had stayed there and got the help I needed, the help I need to help myself and have a fighting chance to prove to her how much I love her and those around me. I wish she would just talk to me. This will be my last post on here for a while. Where I end up, I don't know. I am sorry Mom, Dad, and Beck. I love you all. I wish someday soon to find my way back to Florida, but all signs lead to nowhere. Please give me a sign that I have a fighting chance to get her back in my life. I love you Beck.