Donation protected
This is our beautiful family and this is part of our story…
Brian and I married in 2014. It was then that I became the step-mom of two amazing children; Maggie (age 16 now) and Chase (age 9 now). I consider myself very blessed to have both of these children in my life. Maggie and I share several common interests: sports, shopping, and the love of Starbucks, to name a few. In my eyes, she is responsible and wise for her age. She can hold a conversation and self-reflect like a mature young adult. She is very observant and often picks up on things that I do not. To quote her dad, “Maggie is also fiercely independent, intelligent, and beautiful.” Chase has a heart of gold. He is compassionate, kind, and caring. He has a love for others that reflects the love of God. Chase often sees the good in everyone, and would literally give the shirt off his back to help someone in need. Chase shares a lot of his dad’s qualities: smart, witty, and funny. These two children have brought so much joy into our lives.
Brian and I are both educators. It is no secret that we have a love for children. I believe as a Christian, our purpose in life is to love God and love people; however, I feel that God specifically designed me for children. Unfortunately, I often do not feel that I was born with many other talents; how I wished I could sing, dance, or draw. On the contrary, I have never really questioned my purpose. The Spirit inside of me knows that I am created to show compassion and an overwhelming love for children. I am very fortunate to have a career in which I am able to do just that.
To many important children in my life, I have several names: Ash, Aunt Ash, Mrs. Ashley, and Mrs. Clowdis. While those little voices make me smile on a daily basis, my heart still has one desire … to be called “mom”. And as am I typing this, I cannot stop the tears from flowing down my face while being overwhelmed with emotion. For many years, Brian and I have tried to conceive a child of our own, to no avail. We have traveled to specialists, been poked and prodded, but never given an “official diagnosis”. Unexplained infertility. Oh, if I could count the times I have cried over those words.
The emotional struggles that this has caused can sometimes still be overwhelming - the amount of anxiety and depression that I have endured, and honestly continue to battle. I have to overcome the feelings of being unworthy, not enough, and not loved. I believe that God is a powerful and almighty God, but I get angry and confused when He does not “fix it” on demand. I have felt that my past mistakes, and the amount of shame and guilt I have felt, contributed to my not getting pregnant. These difficulties continue to be a focus as I continue to grow spiritually and as a human being.
Fortunately, I have a big support system. I have many wonderful family members and friends that go above and beyond on a daily basis. I am not even going to try to list them all, because I am really blessed. But I will say without our support system, we would not be able to peacefully announce that WE ARE ADOPTING A CHILD! This decision is a decision that Brian and I have prayed and prayed about. And prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Honestly, I have always had the desire to adopt ... but, after I had a biological child of my own. (Luke 22:42) “Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done.” Oh, how difficult it is as a human to let go, and submit to God’s sovereignty.
For anyone reading this right now and thinking that this has been an easy decision that we take lightly - IT HAS NOT. I needed peace in my heart before we committed and that has taken time. I contribute this decision to three main “people” in our life. Our church, our pastoral counselor, and one of my biggest supporters, my brother.
Without our church pouring into our lives, I don’t think I would be spiritually mature enough to understand that a relationship with God should not be forced by shame and guilt. Instead, it is a focus of having a relationship with God because He is a loving God, who is for us, and whom we can trust. He is merciful, forgiving, and full of grace.
Our pastoral counselor, well, I really don’t even know where to begin with him. For his privacy, I won’t mention his name, but I was recommended to him when I felt that I was at the end of my rope. And oh how far I have come with his guidance. All I can really say about this man is that I 100% believe that he is called by God to counsel people. I stand in awe at his spiritual wisdom and how God uses him to speak into my life.
And the third, one my very best friends, my brother. If only I had a penny for the amount of minutes we have spent on the phone. As I was explaining to him the emotions of shame and guilt, and my feelings of undeservingness to bear a child, I remember his words. (Genesis 50:20) “But as for you, what you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good.” And that is the day. That is the day I began to alter my thought patterns. That is the day that I stopped believing that God was telling me no. I searched my heart’s desire, and my heart desires to be called “mom”. It may not look the same as everyone else’s story, but it doesn’t have to. Because this is our story.
I say all that to say this: I still believe our family is missing a piece to the puzzle. And we are SO excited to be adopting! We do not yet have a date, but we are in the middle of the process as I am currently typing this! The most important thing that I have learned is that it is OK to grieve over infertility, yet still have joy. Bringing home Baby Clowdis through this adoption process is full of joy, hope, and excitement.
Brian and I are both private people, so sharing a portion of our story for the public eye was not an easy decision. My purpose is not for people’s sympathy or attention. I know that we will not reach thousands or even hundreds of people because of it; however, if it helps one person dealing with infertility, shame, guilt, loneliness, unworthiness, etc. my goal was accomplished. So now, I am asking for those surrounding us to show your support through prayer, preparation, and celebration.
Brian and I married in 2014. It was then that I became the step-mom of two amazing children; Maggie (age 16 now) and Chase (age 9 now). I consider myself very blessed to have both of these children in my life. Maggie and I share several common interests: sports, shopping, and the love of Starbucks, to name a few. In my eyes, she is responsible and wise for her age. She can hold a conversation and self-reflect like a mature young adult. She is very observant and often picks up on things that I do not. To quote her dad, “Maggie is also fiercely independent, intelligent, and beautiful.” Chase has a heart of gold. He is compassionate, kind, and caring. He has a love for others that reflects the love of God. Chase often sees the good in everyone, and would literally give the shirt off his back to help someone in need. Chase shares a lot of his dad’s qualities: smart, witty, and funny. These two children have brought so much joy into our lives.
Brian and I are both educators. It is no secret that we have a love for children. I believe as a Christian, our purpose in life is to love God and love people; however, I feel that God specifically designed me for children. Unfortunately, I often do not feel that I was born with many other talents; how I wished I could sing, dance, or draw. On the contrary, I have never really questioned my purpose. The Spirit inside of me knows that I am created to show compassion and an overwhelming love for children. I am very fortunate to have a career in which I am able to do just that.
To many important children in my life, I have several names: Ash, Aunt Ash, Mrs. Ashley, and Mrs. Clowdis. While those little voices make me smile on a daily basis, my heart still has one desire … to be called “mom”. And as am I typing this, I cannot stop the tears from flowing down my face while being overwhelmed with emotion. For many years, Brian and I have tried to conceive a child of our own, to no avail. We have traveled to specialists, been poked and prodded, but never given an “official diagnosis”. Unexplained infertility. Oh, if I could count the times I have cried over those words.
The emotional struggles that this has caused can sometimes still be overwhelming - the amount of anxiety and depression that I have endured, and honestly continue to battle. I have to overcome the feelings of being unworthy, not enough, and not loved. I believe that God is a powerful and almighty God, but I get angry and confused when He does not “fix it” on demand. I have felt that my past mistakes, and the amount of shame and guilt I have felt, contributed to my not getting pregnant. These difficulties continue to be a focus as I continue to grow spiritually and as a human being.
Fortunately, I have a big support system. I have many wonderful family members and friends that go above and beyond on a daily basis. I am not even going to try to list them all, because I am really blessed. But I will say without our support system, we would not be able to peacefully announce that WE ARE ADOPTING A CHILD! This decision is a decision that Brian and I have prayed and prayed about. And prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Honestly, I have always had the desire to adopt ... but, after I had a biological child of my own. (Luke 22:42) “Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done.” Oh, how difficult it is as a human to let go, and submit to God’s sovereignty.
For anyone reading this right now and thinking that this has been an easy decision that we take lightly - IT HAS NOT. I needed peace in my heart before we committed and that has taken time. I contribute this decision to three main “people” in our life. Our church, our pastoral counselor, and one of my biggest supporters, my brother.
Without our church pouring into our lives, I don’t think I would be spiritually mature enough to understand that a relationship with God should not be forced by shame and guilt. Instead, it is a focus of having a relationship with God because He is a loving God, who is for us, and whom we can trust. He is merciful, forgiving, and full of grace.
Our pastoral counselor, well, I really don’t even know where to begin with him. For his privacy, I won’t mention his name, but I was recommended to him when I felt that I was at the end of my rope. And oh how far I have come with his guidance. All I can really say about this man is that I 100% believe that he is called by God to counsel people. I stand in awe at his spiritual wisdom and how God uses him to speak into my life.
And the third, one my very best friends, my brother. If only I had a penny for the amount of minutes we have spent on the phone. As I was explaining to him the emotions of shame and guilt, and my feelings of undeservingness to bear a child, I remember his words. (Genesis 50:20) “But as for you, what you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good.” And that is the day. That is the day I began to alter my thought patterns. That is the day that I stopped believing that God was telling me no. I searched my heart’s desire, and my heart desires to be called “mom”. It may not look the same as everyone else’s story, but it doesn’t have to. Because this is our story.
I say all that to say this: I still believe our family is missing a piece to the puzzle. And we are SO excited to be adopting! We do not yet have a date, but we are in the middle of the process as I am currently typing this! The most important thing that I have learned is that it is OK to grieve over infertility, yet still have joy. Bringing home Baby Clowdis through this adoption process is full of joy, hope, and excitement.
Brian and I are both private people, so sharing a portion of our story for the public eye was not an easy decision. My purpose is not for people’s sympathy or attention. I know that we will not reach thousands or even hundreds of people because of it; however, if it helps one person dealing with infertility, shame, guilt, loneliness, unworthiness, etc. my goal was accomplished. So now, I am asking for those surrounding us to show your support through prayer, preparation, and celebration.
Organiser and beneficiary
Kaylin Lancaster
Organiser
Centre, AL
Ashley Clowdis
Beneficiary