Ash Gets Top Surgery

Who:
Hi, I am Ash, I am 29, and I live in Seattle. For as long as I can remember, I have identified more with a body that is not mine, than the body that is; it has taken me years to understand what that really means. Being at odds with one's body in this way is a difficult thing to describe. It is being so at home with my eyes closed, and feeling cool air ripple over my skin. It is burning eyes and a tightened throat when I wake from a dream in which I look and feel like the genuine me. It is feeling like a stranger to myself when I catch my reflection. It is jarring and uncomfortable. And yet, it has led me into wonderful friendships and relationships with people who have struggled through similar experiences. It has also led me to work in a field where so many others seek to sync their inner experiences with the people and world around them, without shame. In my dreams, I am standing, arms wide, glowing in the light of of the sun. I am free and unbound.


What:
This page is dedicated to the pursuit of top surgery, which is a gender-confirming/affirming surgery. This surgery means that I get to finally experience what congruence feels like - to have my exterior match how I have felt on the interior for so many years. The doubts and anxieties I have felt on and off throughout my decision process have largely been based on fears around how others will perceive me - will they judge me? Will they avoid me? Will they talk about me? As much as the world has opened their eyes to the gender spectrum, there is still so much fear. And yet, this statement rings true and loud: "You are the one who has to live with yourself for the rest of your years." With those words and the rising confidence I feel in myself, I am taking my body back, my power back, and choosing to live as me. 

Why: 
On a personal level, deciding to create a crowd funding page was an extremely difficult decision (still is), and it doesn't come without some embarrassment and shame, particularly for a procedure that is so intimate. I feel conflicted to ask for help in this way, and to display a vulnerability that feels far too exposing. 

I feel an anger and a sadness that is personal but also broadly-based; from my own body to the larger body politic. It is an anger and a sadness that stems from knowing that those who identify as trans and/or gender non-conforming (including myself), are unable to make autonomous decisions about our health, wellbeing, and livelihood without first gaining approval from mental health therapists, medical doctors, insurance carriers, and more. It is often an uphill battle to come to terms (and to a place of love and acceptance) with oneself, before having to endure the dehumanizing and demeaning battle of institutional approvals. 

On a logistical level, while I am so fortunate and grateful to have a job that provides me with the means to afford the cost of living in the city I love, I unfortunately have an insurance provider that boasts an exclusionary clause for trans/gender-nonconforming policy holders. This means that even with insurance, I have 0% coverage for surgery because of how I identify.

All that to say, I am asking my community for however much support you can give. Your collective participation brings me that much closer to being the person I was meant to be - the friend, the jokester, the counselor, the person who wants to use their full self in their unrestricted and unashamed shape.


Thank you for reading and for being a part of this with me.