Cuddle Cot for Ysbyty Glan Clwyd

My name is Sandra and until November 2015 my life was great; I had two beautiful children, a wonderful husband and was pregnant with our third baby: a little boy who was due 29th February 2016. I'd had two healthy preganancies and both my children were born happy and healthy (a little small) so I had no reason to ever think that anything would go wrong with this pregnancy. I was scheduled to have growth scans just as a precaution to keep an eye on my babies size. On 16th November, the day I turned 25 weeks pregnant I decided to go my local maternity unit at Ysbyty Glan Clwyd as I hadn't felt my baby move in 24 hours. I wasn't too worried as I was only 25 weeks so thought that movement wouldn't have settled into a routine just yet, I also thought that my baby might be on the smaller size and I had anterior placenta (the placenta attached at the front so it can mask movements) and sure enough the midwife found my little guys heartbeat straightaway. The following day I still hadn't felt any movement but as I had a routine midwife appointment booked for the following day I decided to wait (a decision I will regret for the rest of my life). So, on Wednesday 18th November I attended my midwife appointment, talked to the midwife for a bit about plans for the rest of my pregnancy and then came the time to have a listen to babies heartbeat. I lay down and pulled up my top, exposing my bump where my little boy lay tucked up inside. She squirted on the gel and placed the Doppler on my belly, she moved it around, trying here and there but there was no familiar woop woop woop, just silence. I felt sick, the midwife tried to reassure me that baby could just be hiding at the back, she told me I'd need to go straight up to the hospital so they could do some further checks and hopefully tell me that my son was still alive. I don't know how I managed to drive to the hospital that day, I was crying so hard I could barely see straight, begging my baby to still be alive, to have not left me. I arrived at the hospital and there had the worst thing possible confirmed, no words a parent should ever hear "your baby has died". I think that from that moment I went into myself, I was in shock, I couldn't comprehend what they were saying, I just wanted it all to be a bad dream, a nightmare I could wake up from. I had to return to the hospital the following morning to take a tablet to start the process of giving birth to my son and return on the Saturday morning to be induced. Those few days I walked around like a zombie, I couldn't even tell you now what I did in those days, they are a haze to me. I do remember having to pack my hospital bag though, packing clothes for me, no baby gros or nappies needed, no choosing a going home outfit, my baby wasn't going to be coming home. I made the horrendous trip to the hospital on 21st November with my husband, I was still deluding myself that they had made a mistake, I'd seen my stomach moving only the night before, they agreed to scan me again before starting the induction, I prayed so hard that his little heart would show up on the screen beating away but there was just stillness. The induction happened pretty quickly for me, as soon as the contractions started they were straight away only a minute apart and things progressed very quickly from that, it ended up being too late for me to have an epidural and I refused all other pain relief, I think a part of me believed I should be made to suffers he physical pain as well as the emotional, I had failed my son by not keeping him alive and at 19.03 he came silently into the world; a silence that will haunt me forever. I longed to hear him cry to look into his eyes and tell him how much I loved him but his eyes would never open and he would never cry. We decided to name our sleeping prince Toby Joseph, he weighed 1lb 9oz and was 30cm long. He was a perfect and beautiful little boy. We were able to spend the next 24 hours making memories with him, taking photographs and the midwives took prints of his hand and foot for our memory box. Our families came to meet Toby and the following day the Reverend came to the hospital to do a blessing for Toby. I think it was only when he was reading the words he had written for the blessing that it hit me that this had actually happened, that it was all real, until then I think I'd been in shock, I hadn't cried I just went into a sort of haze but as he stood there talking about how my son was with God it hit me like a bus, I couldn't wait for everyone to leave and within a matter of seconds of them leaving I crumpled, I couldn't breathe or think I just wanted my baby to be alive. Leaving the hospital that day was the hardest, knowing I would never see my sweet little angel again, knowing that I would have to go on living when he was no more, I can't even put into words how truly heartbreaking it was leaving with a box of memories instead of my little boy. 
That was over six months ago now and I'd like to tell you it's gotten easier but it hasn't, the pain will never end, my life changed forever on the day my baby died and sadly I'm not unique in losing my child. 10 babies a dayl are born sleeping, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 
I would now like to try to help and future families who have to suffer this heartbreak by fundraising to purchase a Cuddle Cot for my local hospital Ysbyty Glan Clwyd where my sleeping prince was born. A cuddle cot is a unit that allows parents to spend time with their baby who has sadly died, "time allows the family to form an important bond with their baby; whether changing a nappy, dressing the baby, taking photographs or simply just staying close... The problem is that in a warm room the baby's condition can deteriorate quickly therefore cooling the baby is absolutely essential.... The cuddle cot cooling pad is placed in any Moses basket, crib, pram or bed, is connected by a specially insulted hoses is quietly cooled using the cuddle cot cooling unit."
When Toby was born one of these units was not available and we had to leave him next to an open window all night which meant he couldn't be near us and also the room was so cold as it was late November. It also meant that the following day we were unable to hold him other then in his little Moses basket. 
I want to be able to provide Glan Clwyd maternity ward with one of these units to hopefully help any future families by prolonging the time they can spend with their children to make memories, those precious few days are the only chance they will have to squeeze in a lifetimes worth of cuddles, photographs etc.
If I was ever lucky enough to raise more then the target set to pay for one unit I would love to be able to purchase additional units for other hospitals, if I was to raise more then the £1600 but not enough to purchase a second unit then the additional money would be split between two child loss charities: Sands the stillbirth and neonatal death charity and Tommys. Tommys is the largest UK charity funding research into the causes of miscarriage, stillbirth and premature birth. Tommys team of midwives is trained in bereavement counselling and on hand to help anyone who needs support or advice.
It would mean the world to me to be able to do this in memory of my beautiful son Toby.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story, I hope that you don't ever find yourself in a similar situation and if you do then I send you all the love in the world to try to get through it.
Sandra
xxx