Hillary's Writing Retreats

WHO I AM:
My name is Hillary Johnson, and all I've ever wanted to do, since I was old enough to hold a crayon and scribble words on paper, is write. With the exception of a brief episode at age five, when I told any grownups who cared to inquire, that when I grew up I planned on being an astrophysicist; this has been my story. And I'm sticking with it. 

At some level, I still am that person, except instead of applying high-tech gear, the laws of physics, or string theory to unravel the nature of the universe, I use my heart, mind and pen to plumb those same mysteries. I write short stories,, novels and memoir. I believe as Dani Shapiro does,  "...that everything you need to know about life can be learned from a genuine and ongoing attempt to write."

Writing is my attempt to speak to the living and the dead, to make sense of the gorgeous chaotic mess that is what Zorba the Greek called, "the full catastrophe." I f I don't write, I don't know who I am. It's not for nothing that a number of writers have realized this deep truth: writing is a form of profound personal discovery, a doorway to revelations. Flannery O'Connor said, "I write to discover what I know." Joan Didion wrote that she didn't know what she thought until she wrote about it.

Following in their foosteps, I write to make sense, to interpret the land, to find the patterns, to discover compassion and wisdom amidst the pain and seeming randomness, to find the universal thread connecting me and you and all the rest of  everything. To say that reading and writing has saved me, more than once, is hardly an understatement. 

In writing, I claim as Stephen Cope describes it , both my wound and my gift. Writing is my dharma, my purpose. I'm doing everything I can  to make the best possible version of my work and my self. I'm giving it everything I've got. Letting go of the results and giving it up to the universe, or God or the ground of being or whatever you want to call it. When I'm done with a piece, I share the results of that hard earned fruit with the world. I publish, teach. I lead workshops and retreats an doffer individual coaching which blend meditation and Metta (lovingkindness) practices with writing and movement.

WHAT AM I RAISING THE MONEY FOR:
All of us needs help at some time. For me, now is one of those times. While asking for help generally produces  in many of us, (me included) a heart-pounding,  sweat-dripping fit of angst, Amanda Palmer with her TED talk and book, "The Art of Asking, " leads us to a new way. She establishes that asking for help is actually a form of strength, not weakness. Further, what she advocates, and what I'm proposing here, is not a form of virtual pan-handling but rather a meaningful exchange.

I'm raising funds to support the writing of a memoir about my struggles to reconcile writing ( a lifelong and key component of my identity) with my spiritual practice.

 As I tried to figure out what I believed and find some kind of real refuge and release from suffering, I went through an incredibly dark and miserable time in which I gave up on who I was creatively in order to save myself spiritually. Obviously, you probably already know, that appraoch did not go well.

In the last months while I've slowly reclaimed my writing self, my spiritual practice has evolved as well, becoming more compassionate and accepting of the full richness of who I am. I think two things (at least) 1. Likely, I'm not the only one to go through some variety of experience like this and, 2. that women in particular may be particularly vulnerable to giving up our power and our capacity to follow our dharma or truth of who we are to become our best selves. A path which is a soul crusher and totally uneccessary. 3. And that cuts to the heart of my coaching practice. I'm all about helping others find their way using these same practices which have saved me.

Writing the memoir involves a few things; going on retreast to write and further developing my metta (loving kindness) and meditation practices to be big enough to hold all of this. It's really about carving out uninteruppted time to focus and get support from other coaches/teachers to help me as I develop this work so that not only can I write but also help others whether they self-identify as writers or as folks who want to make sense of their lives and heal their wounds. Writing, metta meditation and movement can help make all that happen.
Specifc things/events which I'm raising funds for are as follows:
1. To attend Haven, a writing retreat led by Laura Munson, the author of the New York Times and international bestselling memoir, This Is Not The Story You Think It Is: A Season of Unlikely Happiness (Amy Einhorn/Putnam 2010). Haven, (in the Glacier National Park area of Montana) has been featured on CNN, and named one of the top writing retreats in the United States. Haven has been intentionally designed to help writers do the hard work of digging while being held in community. There's a retreat in June and others in the fall, both Sept. and October. I'm going to one of those come hell or high water.

My purpose in travelling to Haven is to  develop the over-all structure of the memoir (that question which can and find the voice it needs to emerge most honestly. To step away from the bustle of everyday demands, friends and beloved family, to consciously choose to be in a place of support and silence, space and permission. I go to dig into my life, my stories with Annie Dillard's, "miner's pick...surgeon's probe..." To listen deeply, with the ears of the heart, to each experience, each story. Palpating as the physician does to find the active reflex, the beating heart, the resonance, the shimmer of the real. 

2. To travel to Kripalu to study with Sharon Salzberg and Stephen Cope June 24-26th in their Real Love retreat. "...to explore the role of mindfulness and loving-kindness meditation practices in nurturing your capacity for real love. Fundamentally, there is only one kind of love—real love—that is trying to become more fully alive inside us despite limiting assumptions, distortions of culture, our sense of unworthiness, and the habits of fear, self-condemnation, and isolation we acquire just by living our lives."

3. To study again with Sharon Salzberg in August when she comes for her only Midwest teaching on Metta Meditation

4. To do a consult with the amazing writer, Patricia McNair (author of The Temple of Air ) at Interlochen in Michigan and attend a practicum on funding the writing life.

HOW WILL THE MONEY BE USED:
All funds raised will be used to cover costs of travelling to  these retreats and being a resident there.

Haven costs are about $5,000 including lodging and travel. 

Kripalu costs are about $900 including lodging and
travel.

Midwest event with Sharon is $400 including lodging

Interlochen with Patty is $300 plus gas to drive there.

I work with writers and other people, teaching them how to use writing as a kind of narrative medicine, for personal discovery, healing and creativity, by integrating meditation, writing and gentle movement. I offer both group work and individual sessions. If you're interested in any of that, please let me know. The work can be done face-to-face or long distance using phone or video conference call. I also work in a restaurant three nights a week. 

HOW SOON DO I NEED THE FUNDS:
These events start mid-June and go through the fall. So all donations are welcome throughout the summer and early autumn.

WHY THIS MEANS SO MUCH TO ME:
Wow. This is a hard one and easy all at the same time. There's a few reasons. I'll try to briefly yet fully articulate the main ones for you.
1. Indurability- Since this writing thing is a life long dream, ther's a lot of energy there. I can literally trace my entire life span so far in terms of reading anad writing. The first story I read to my mom. Writing in my journal  as I lay on the floor of my bedroom when five, seven, ten, eleven, and so on. Miserable teen confessions, drunken ramblings as a young adult, alone in my first apartment, traveling to Paris alone, also Germany, England, Africa, Spain etc.
2. My High Schhol Teacher - Frank Weiner was my high school AP English teacher who became a second father to me. He was the first one who told me I'd be a writer. (also a teacher) On a paper I turned in to him way back in 1979;  he wrote,"Despite the fact that you can't spell or punctuate, you will, one day be a writer." I still have that paper. I loved Frank more than I can say and pray that if he were alive, that he'd be proud of me. I am who I am largely because of his love and support.
3. Spiritual Crisis - (see above) I've always been a spiritual person. As a kid, I was thought to be kind of a weirdo that way. I felt as if I had this backback strapped across my body containing a huge clock,  tick tick ticking so loud, always reminding me that life was passing quickly and had best be addressed with reverence and purpose. I was the kid recuing earth worms after a hard rain, weeping if they drowned before I could save them.

In college, after having what psychologists might call a unitive experience, I tried to share and describe that experience in a class presentation. To say it didn't go well is the understatement of the century.

Jump ahead to the early 2000s. In my quest for a truth, I gave up writing completely. I had a teacher at that time; a kind, wise, compassionate, and generous person who none-the-less thought that reading and writing fiction of any kind was at the least, a complete waste of time, and at worst, a severe hindrance to spiritual practice. Fiction and works of imagination were seen to make suffering worse and impede progress along the path of purification with its focus on the narrative of suffering caused by individual egoic craving, desire and so forth.
Take David Mamet's Three Uses of the Knife,  what a character wants, how far the character is willing to go to get it, what is in their way and so forth, and what you have is a whole lot of story centered on dukkha. I was craving direction and clarity and had a tendency to extremes. So I gave up the one thing which had given my life meaning and purpose.

Needless to say, the more I stayed away from writing, the worse I felt. It took a few years and study with other teachers, exploring other less austere paths, but I was finally able to reclaim my purpose, my identity as a writer and feel the joy in being alive return. Those years without writing were painful and dry indeed. Reclaiming my writing self and learning to live that fully along with my spiritual practice has been akin to being reborn.

The grace of God or whatever you want to call it, has brought me to this: I can have my cake and eat it too. I'm joyfully able to inhabit reading and writing practice as sacred, central, essential to my own spiritual practice. Stories, whether fiction or non-fiction allow us chances to connect and understand each other in ways otherwise impossible. They free us from the bondage of isolation. We can read something and feel less alone, more connected, can realize the relief of WOW, You too!

And so, this is why I write.

This is why going to Haven feels so huge to me. It's not just about story or any partocular book. It's not incidental. It's about being alive, fully alive, knowing it, claiming it with its wounds and gifts and expressing it as fully and joyfully as I can. It's about going on a quest or hero's journey and then returning to the world to share what treasures I've found along the way.

GRATITUDE:
I ask for your support in all humility. I've been fortunate throughout life to have been on the receiving end of various kinds of generosity and make it a practice to always pay it forward myself whether that means giving money, time, a listening ear. Whatever resources I might have, I freely offer.

The exchange which I mentioned before is this. In return for your help you'll be invited to unlock the stories you have in yours hearts, minds, muscles and bones. Some of you may be able to attend in person day long retreats to help you engage in your own writing or self discovery processes.  For others who may live far away, you'll have other options. You can participate via virtual conferencing using things like Google Hangouts or Skype. You'll also have access to online materials with guided meditations and exercises designed for you to do on your own. 

You'll have my deepest gratitude always. I thank you now, in advance for helping me reclaim the power of intention, of story and to light the way for cultivating my soul's purpose and  intention. I dedicate myself not only to writing but to helping others reclaim their highest, best selves, to offering compassion and generosity at every turn.

The light in me salutes and bows to the light in you.

May all beings be safe.
May all beings be happy.
May all beings be strong.
May all beings live with ease.


Write on,

Hillary