Living my Dream with Autism and OCD
Donation protected
My Story
by Benjamin Schwartz
From as early as I can remember, I've wanted to go to a good college and be surrounded by academia. I loved education and became obsessed with the sciences at a young age. There wasn't anything I wasn't curious about. I would ask questions, and when I didn't get a thorough answer, I searched out the answer myself. I became proficient on the Internet and used it to aid my education. I was a voracious reader, memorizing most of what I read automatically. Even though I had challenges, nothing made me happier than when I was learning something new.
At age five I was diagnosed with Autism and severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, which I would learn was a genetic disorder passed down through my family. I always knew I was different from most children. As the years went by I grew more depressed about this diagnosis because I was afraid my disability would keep me from having the future I dreamed of, which was to someday write, design and program video games.
Unfortunately, my childhood wasn't a fun, carefree experience. I had what was called “meltdowns” as often as ten times a day. When I had a meltdown my fears were overpowering and it was nearly impossible to control my emotions. I have memories of my parents “hugging and holding” me in public places so I wouldn’t hurt myself. My fears were irrational: the color of the Starbucks insignia or the sound of common words could trigger a meltdown. My mind would repeat certain phrases or words throughout the day, no matter what I was doing or concentrating on, making every task I attempted impossible. Entering and exiting buildings required that I recite long, numerous chants and rituals that often kept me standing outside in the dark, cold and rain for an hour. Corners and edges were a trigger and I had to recite “undo” chants whenever I encountered them. As the years went on my triggers became vast and my world grew more limiting. My mind was filled with spiraling thoughts and repeated chants and rituals. Soon there was no room for learning or discovery. It was exhausting and my depression magnified. The thing I most loved, my education, was getting further and further away from me. I was trapped inside my head, and for many years, I gave up on the dream of going to college and becoming “normal” like the other kids.
And still my symptoms increased. My OCD, exaggerated by the autism, made me completely dysfunctional. There was a time where I stopped speaking entirely. I couldn't eat or drink without a series of complex and lengthy rituals, and every action I took became the source of a new trigger. The school I attended let my education lapse in order to concentrate on getting me healthy. Nothing helped and at some point my psychiatrist told my parents that I wouldn’t be able to attend a normal high school, and that I might someday have to live in an institution.
I had one last chance. There was a hospital in Wisconsin that specialized in working with children who suffered from severe OCD. At age thirteen I went to Rogers Memorial Hospital for two months, and it saved my life. Working with a team of exposure and experiential therapists I managed to work through my fears, learning to use very specific tools to conquer the OCD. When I came back from the hospital I was almost unrecognizable. My psychiatrist was shocked by how far I had come in such a short time. I was accepted into a high school that catered to kids in the autistic spectrum and, despite a regimen of new medications that caused fogginess in my head and difficulty concentrating, I managed to catch up with my peers. I worked hard and it paid off, earning a GPA of 3.92 and graduating Salutatorian from my high school. I made friends who shared my passion for video game programming, and I began the process of applying to the universities that offered the best programs in the field. And then came one of the best days of my life: I was accepted into the university of my choice, the University of California, Santa Cruz. UCSC has an entire college that caters to video game programmers and they team up programming students in dorm rooms where computer and video game programming are the main point of social contact. The school’s proximity to Silicon Valley means that some of the best programmers in the world come to the school to lecture and recruit talent for their companies.
I’ve managed to get through so many obstacles in my life. I’ve worked through severe OCD and high-functioning autism. It’s a lifelong struggle, but I’m up for the task. The only thing that limits me now is the ability to accept this great opportunity. After 18 years, I know I can deal with my disabilities and not let them slow me down, however, the university tuition is more than what my parents can afford. A family friend has saved some money in a college fund for me and, hopefully, with the support of a monthly disability stipend, I’ll have a portion of the funds necessary to attend UCSC. However, I’m still around $22,000 short for the tuition and housing for the first year of attending the school. The cost for attending UCSC is approximately $35,000 per year. I would have no problem taking out student loans to finance my education—I’ve chosen a profession that will allow me to pay back loans in a reasonable time after graduating college. However, none of the loans, federal or private, will let me apply without a co-signer. Unfortunately, my parents’ credit was destroyed when they lost their home in the real estate bust a number of years ago. They had to get a co-signer themselves just to rent the apartment we’ve been living in for the past six years. I am hoping that people who have experienced difficulties in their lives and who understand what I’ve gone through will consider helping me get to UC Santa Cruz as a Computer Science major so I can realize my dream of becoming a video game programmer. Thank you very much.
by Benjamin Schwartz
From as early as I can remember, I've wanted to go to a good college and be surrounded by academia. I loved education and became obsessed with the sciences at a young age. There wasn't anything I wasn't curious about. I would ask questions, and when I didn't get a thorough answer, I searched out the answer myself. I became proficient on the Internet and used it to aid my education. I was a voracious reader, memorizing most of what I read automatically. Even though I had challenges, nothing made me happier than when I was learning something new.
At age five I was diagnosed with Autism and severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or OCD, which I would learn was a genetic disorder passed down through my family. I always knew I was different from most children. As the years went by I grew more depressed about this diagnosis because I was afraid my disability would keep me from having the future I dreamed of, which was to someday write, design and program video games.
Unfortunately, my childhood wasn't a fun, carefree experience. I had what was called “meltdowns” as often as ten times a day. When I had a meltdown my fears were overpowering and it was nearly impossible to control my emotions. I have memories of my parents “hugging and holding” me in public places so I wouldn’t hurt myself. My fears were irrational: the color of the Starbucks insignia or the sound of common words could trigger a meltdown. My mind would repeat certain phrases or words throughout the day, no matter what I was doing or concentrating on, making every task I attempted impossible. Entering and exiting buildings required that I recite long, numerous chants and rituals that often kept me standing outside in the dark, cold and rain for an hour. Corners and edges were a trigger and I had to recite “undo” chants whenever I encountered them. As the years went on my triggers became vast and my world grew more limiting. My mind was filled with spiraling thoughts and repeated chants and rituals. Soon there was no room for learning or discovery. It was exhausting and my depression magnified. The thing I most loved, my education, was getting further and further away from me. I was trapped inside my head, and for many years, I gave up on the dream of going to college and becoming “normal” like the other kids.
And still my symptoms increased. My OCD, exaggerated by the autism, made me completely dysfunctional. There was a time where I stopped speaking entirely. I couldn't eat or drink without a series of complex and lengthy rituals, and every action I took became the source of a new trigger. The school I attended let my education lapse in order to concentrate on getting me healthy. Nothing helped and at some point my psychiatrist told my parents that I wouldn’t be able to attend a normal high school, and that I might someday have to live in an institution.
I had one last chance. There was a hospital in Wisconsin that specialized in working with children who suffered from severe OCD. At age thirteen I went to Rogers Memorial Hospital for two months, and it saved my life. Working with a team of exposure and experiential therapists I managed to work through my fears, learning to use very specific tools to conquer the OCD. When I came back from the hospital I was almost unrecognizable. My psychiatrist was shocked by how far I had come in such a short time. I was accepted into a high school that catered to kids in the autistic spectrum and, despite a regimen of new medications that caused fogginess in my head and difficulty concentrating, I managed to catch up with my peers. I worked hard and it paid off, earning a GPA of 3.92 and graduating Salutatorian from my high school. I made friends who shared my passion for video game programming, and I began the process of applying to the universities that offered the best programs in the field. And then came one of the best days of my life: I was accepted into the university of my choice, the University of California, Santa Cruz. UCSC has an entire college that caters to video game programmers and they team up programming students in dorm rooms where computer and video game programming are the main point of social contact. The school’s proximity to Silicon Valley means that some of the best programmers in the world come to the school to lecture and recruit talent for their companies.
I’ve managed to get through so many obstacles in my life. I’ve worked through severe OCD and high-functioning autism. It’s a lifelong struggle, but I’m up for the task. The only thing that limits me now is the ability to accept this great opportunity. After 18 years, I know I can deal with my disabilities and not let them slow me down, however, the university tuition is more than what my parents can afford. A family friend has saved some money in a college fund for me and, hopefully, with the support of a monthly disability stipend, I’ll have a portion of the funds necessary to attend UCSC. However, I’m still around $22,000 short for the tuition and housing for the first year of attending the school. The cost for attending UCSC is approximately $35,000 per year. I would have no problem taking out student loans to finance my education—I’ve chosen a profession that will allow me to pay back loans in a reasonable time after graduating college. However, none of the loans, federal or private, will let me apply without a co-signer. Unfortunately, my parents’ credit was destroyed when they lost their home in the real estate bust a number of years ago. They had to get a co-signer themselves just to rent the apartment we’ve been living in for the past six years. I am hoping that people who have experienced difficulties in their lives and who understand what I’ve gone through will consider helping me get to UC Santa Cruz as a Computer Science major so I can realize my dream of becoming a video game programmer. Thank you very much.
Organizer and beneficiary
Stephen Jay Schwartz
Organizer
Rancho Palos Verdes, CA
Benjamin Schwartz
Beneficiary
