What to say when someone dies: how to help a grieving friend
It’s natural to feel helpless when someone close to you is in terrible emotional pain. It’s also completely normal to feel anxious about lending a hand. Will you say something to make it worse? Should you reach out or just give them space?
Fortunately, there are ways to help your friend while they grieve, and you don’t have to navigate this uncharted territory alone. In this guide, you’ll find specific tips on how to help someone who is grieving through simple gestures, resources to help you understand the grieving process, and the best ways to help financially.
Four thoughtful ways you can support a grieving friend
Grief can be all-encompassing. It has a way of infiltrating every nook and cranny of someone’s life and making normal tasks a struggle. When your friend is deep in the trenches of grief, there are a few key ways you can be there for them when they need you the most. Here are four suggestions to help you support a grieving friend or family member.
1. Offer the right kind of emotional support
It’s human nature to want to eliminate someone’s pain or get as far away from it as we can, but experiencing pain is a natural part of the grieving process. Trying to remove it or ignore it can actually invalidate your friend’s feelings.
The grief education website Refuge in Grief looks at loss and grief through a different lens. It coaches us to join our loved ones in their pain instead of trying to cheer them up or offer advice. We can be there for them by acknowledging their pain and lending an empathetic ear. The site describes acknowledgement as “the best medicine we have.” Simply being present is often the clearest answer to what to say to someone who lost a loved one.
2. Help in specific ways
Assessing what your friend needs and then taking care of it requires stepping into discomfort and getting close to their grief, but this is far more helpful than saying, “Let me know if you need anything.”
Does your friend have dogs that need to be walked, errands that need to be run, or kids that need to be babysat? Showing up with a hot meal or a gift card to a restaurant will most certainly be appreciated as well. Taking these responsibilities off their hands will give them some much needed space to grieve.
3. Volunteer to write the obituary or eulogy
Your friend may be too overwhelmed to take on the task of learning how to write an obituary and deliver a eulogy. Volunteering to sit down with them and help them craft a meaningful tribute to the deceased could ease a lot of stress.
4. Don’t forget to check in later
Many say that two to three months after the loss of a loved one can be the most difficult. It’s around this time that the heavy duty support has waned, and the surviving friends and family are expected to return to their normal lives. Wondering how to help weeks or months later? It can be as simple as a quick text or email to say you’re thinking of them. This simple gesture will let them know that you still acknowledge their pain, and you’re there for them. Our guide on coping with death covers how grief unfolds over the months and years that follow.
What to say and what to avoid
Finding the right words is often the hardest part of supporting someone through loss. Knowing what to say gets easier with two habits: be specific, not generic. And listen more than you advise.
What to say:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss. [Name] meant so much to so many people.”
- “I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I’m here.”
- “I remember when [specific memory of the deceased], they were so [quality].”
- “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
What to avoid:
- “At least they’re in a better place” imposes a viewpoint they might not share.
- “I know exactly how you feel” overlooks that no two losses are the same.
- “Let me know if you need anything” puts the burden back on the grieving person. Offering something specific works better.
- “Everything happens for a reason” rarely comforts and is often resented.
There’s no single way to comfort someone who lost a loved one, but once you’ve reached out, there are practical ways to help, including financial support.
Three ways you can help a grieving friend financially
When you offer emotional support as well as financial support to a friend while they grieve, you can help lift a huge burden from their shoulders. Below are just three ideas of how you can help a grieving parent, friend, or anyone else with finances during this difficult time.
1. Start a scholarship fund
A scholarship fund pays tribute to the deceased and what they were passionate about while also helping students. From academic achievement to sports, there are many different categories you can choose from to start a scholarship fund.
If your friend wants to start a scholarship fund but needs money to do it, you can contribute and ask others to join in. To get started, see our blog post how to start a scholarship fund and honour a loved one.
2. Chip in for funeral expenses
It’s all too easy for people who are dealing with the loss of a loved one to become overwhelmed with the cost of funeral services. A traditional funeral in Canada typically costs between $8,000 and $15,000, depending on the province and services chosen, according to Haven Casket. Many families are left wondering how to get help with burial expenses. By stepping up to help pay for funeral or burial expenses, you can make an immense difference.
3. Establish a community memorial
A community memorial is an ideal way to celebrate the life of the deceased. Many people choose to build a lasting tribute in a place where their loved one enjoyed spending time. A park bench, community garden, or permanent plaque are just a few ideas for a community memorial.
Where to find grief support in Canada
A few Canadian organisations offer extra support beyond what a friend or family member is able to give. The BC Bereavement Helpline (1-877-779-2223) offers free grief support and referrals across British Columbia. The Canadian Mental Health Association has branches nationwide. You can use the online finder to locate the nearest location. The Canadian Virtual Hospice offers free online grief resources for anyone in Canada. Remember, these are great resources to share with a grieving loved one, but should not be a substitute for professional medical help.
Why crowdfunding is a powerful tool during times of grief
Crowdfunding for funeral or memorial expenses can ease the financial stress of planning a funeral or facing an unexpected loss. Many people turn to GoFundMe every day to raise money for burial costs and provide financial support for surviving family members. Here are some of the reasons families turn to GoFundMe during times of grief:
- Once set up, a fundraiser can be shared with family members and friends via social media, email, or text.
- GoFundMe’s blog offers countless memorial fundraising tips, like our blog post how do you pay for a funeral with no money? or our funeral savings guide.
- A memorial fundraiser is not just a place where others can provide financial support; it can also serve as a central hub for everyone to share their memories of the deceased, post photos, and celebrate their life.
- If you aren’t sure how to start a memorial fund or run into any other issues, the GoFundMe Help Centre is available if you have questions.
Lend a hand to someone who needs you
Knowing how to deal with loss or help someone through tragedy is never easy. Your friend may be so deep in their grief that they aren’t able to think about finances or start their own online fundraiser. This is where you can step up and truly make a difference. Starting a memorial fundraiser on GoFundMe can help lessen financial stress so those close to you can begin healing.