Coping with death: tips from professionals

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| 11 min read Financial assistance

When Bryan lost his wife Whendi last October to a sudden heart attack, they were miles from their home at an army base for a reunion with his fellow veterans. It was the morning of the last full day of their trip.

“My brothers didn’t leave me alone for a minute all day and did their best to comfort me,” he recalled about the day his healthy 47-year-old wife died.

He was able to speak to a grief counsellor, the wife of one of his friends, right away. “Being an engineer, I was looking for a process and steps to follow, but the counsellor told me that this kind of grief doesn’t follow a set of steps,” Bryan said about his grieving process.

“While frustrating, it was truly helpful to be told that, because I was so confused about why I was recognizing that I was jumping around those grieving steps and didn’t understand why.”

Losing a loved one is always difficult, but coping with sudden loss adds a different element to the grieving process. It doesn’t follow a pattern and there’s often a lack of closure. There might be added financial stressors, such as the cost of planning a funeral or the loss of a spouse’s income to pay for household expenses. Well-intentioned friends can say things that are meant to be comforting but come across as crass. If you or someone you know is coping with losing a loved one, here is some advice from experts.

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Suddenly losing a loved one can be traumatic

“The interaction with someone who suffers unexpected loss can certainly be different since the sudden nature of loss can produce a greater intensity of grief, and become equivalent to trauma for many people,” said Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, an associate psychiatrist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. “When people don’t have time to prepare, the uncertainty surrounding loss can be greater, and the ambiguities that accompany coping with death become all the more pronounced.”

Dr. Ken Doka is a grief expert who has written more than a dozen books on death, including Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss. He identifies three ways grieving an unexpected loss differs from an expected loss, such as a long-term illness:

  1. “One of the things that happens is that people’s sense of safety is challenged,” Doka said, adding that a sudden death can be a reminder that they are not in control of their world.
  2. When someone is in the hospital for a prolonged period or in hospice care you have an opportunity to say things you wanted to say, Doka explained. After 9/11, he counselled a woman whose husband died in the attacks. She had had a fight with her husband that morning, and when they had argued before the workday in the past, usually one of them would reach out during the day to resolve it. The day he died, they never got that chance.
  3. “Each sudden loss has its own situation,” Doka said. This can include homicide, suicide or even a car accident. “Those situations offer additional complications” because of the tragedy associated with it. Even when someone dies from a medical episode, “there are often a lot of underlying issues that may be different.” If a spouse dies of a stroke, for example, the surviving spouse may feel guilty about whether there were signs they could have picked up on.

People cope with the loss of a loved one in different ways

Age can play a factor in, but a more notable difference is if someone has experienced losing a loved one previously. When he first started grief counselling, Doka, who also writes a blog for Psychology Today called Good Mourning, noticed “that a lot of my clients were adult children mourning an older parent, but then I realized that’s probably their first major experience with a loss in their lives.”

As couples grow older together they often will develop a complementary and codependent relationship, Doka said.

“Often when somebody dies it may affect the ability of another older person to cope independently,” he said.

For example, one spouse may have trouble with mobility and the other has taken care of them. When the spouse who has done the caregiving dies, the remaining spouse may be fearful of what could happen to their independence and who will step up to be their caregiver. Older people “are likely to have experienced loss before. Grief is not something new to them,” Dr. Doka said.

The financial impact of losing a loved one

The sudden loss of a loved one can leave families at a lower income level to grapple with more than just their grief.

“You’re facing probably multiples crises at the time,” Doka said. “Obviously the wealthier you are the more resources you can access.”

For example, if a grandmother who regularly babysat for her granddaughter dies, in addition to dealing with grief, her daughter may need to figure out other childcare options and how to pay for them.

There are also funeral costs to contend with. The average funeral in Canada costs between $8,000 and $15,000. The exact cost depends on the province and services chosen. In Canada, consumer protection for funeral services is provincial, not federal. In most provinces and territories, funeral homes must give families a detailed, itemised price breakdown of the products and services they offer.

Regardless if the loss is sudden or expected (and regardless of income level), there are financial matters that must be dealt with both in the short and long term. Crowdfunding can be an essential tool to gather support during this time.

Financial steps to take after a death in Canada

A few practical financial steps can help ease the load while coping with loss. Confirm programme details and amounts at canada.ca before applying.

  • Apply for the CPP Death Benefit through Service Canada. It’s a one-time payment of up to $2,500, or up to $5,000 for eligible estates as of January 2025.
  • Apply for the CPP Survivor’s Pension if you qualify. It’s an ongoing monthly benefit for surviving spouses or common-law partners.
  • Notify Service Canada about any Old Age Security or CPP payments the deceased was receiving. These can be cancelled or transferred.
  • Notify the Canada Revenue Agency and file a final tax return for the deceased. A tax professional can help if needed.
  • Locate financial documents, including bank accounts, registered accounts like RRSPs, RRIFs, and TFSAs, pension plans, insurance, and the will.
  • Contact the deceased’s employer about any pension, benefits, or life insurance.

A financial adviser or estate lawyer can help navigate these steps.

For families facing immediate financial pressure, a GoFundMe fundraiser can provide a way for friends and community to help cover costs.

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There is no right way to grieve 

Dr. Nadkarni said the most common questions she’s asked from people coping with death are, “How long will I mourn like this and suffer this intensity of grief?” and “Why did this happen to me?”

“While there is no data to point to how long people grieve losses, and the response to loss is such an individual one, I focus on empathizing with the patient and helping them to be comfortable with the ambiguities of loss,” Nadkarni said.

“This can mean validating the uncertainty of grief and death and acknowledging how tough it is to struggle with the question of why when we have no way of ever answering this question,” she explained.

In the decades since Doka began his career, the approach to grief counselling has changed substantially. “We’ve become much more sophisticated in our knowledge of grief,” he said. This means, in part, that mental health professionals counselling a patient coping with death have stopped looking for universal stages such as the traditional Kubler-Ross (five stages of grief) model. “Nobody that I know in the field holds to that anymore.”

How to be supportive of someone grieving a loved one

In Bryan’s case, his family and friends were quick to rally around him and offer a lot of support as he was coping with sudden loss.

“Close friends and family made sure I stayed active and got back into doing things that I had always done with Whendi,” he says. “I was reluctant and each thing was very emotional for a while, but eventually I learned that I could still experience happiness doing the things we loved without her, without forgetting her or feeling like I was betraying her.”

Nadkarni describes support from family and friends as “critical” to grieving a loved one.

“It’s not important to say the right thing; in fact, expressing platitudes or making promises of the likelihood of the person being able to move on can be invalidating,” she said. “Simply being silent and giving someone a hug can be the most important source of comfort.”

It’s important to validate the emotions that come with coping with death and the significant impact it has on their loved ones, Doka explained. Saying something like, “well at least he didn’t suffer” may seem kind, but does not come across as comforting to someone who is grieving a loved one.

Doka has the following suggestions about what to say to people who are coping with death:

  • A simple, but heartfelt, “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry for your loss.”
  • Don’t say “If you need anything call me.” Instead, suggest specific, tangible things you can do to help such as cooking meals, helping with yard work or picking up children from school.
  • Avoid insensitive statements including “you’re young, you can get married again” and “you have three other children.” Instead, validate the pain they are experiencing and recognise it may take them a while to grieve.
  • Above all, be genuine in what you say.

The nonprofit organisation HelpGuide, which provides information to people about mental and emotional health, has these suggestions about helping someone who is coping with death.

  • Don’t let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out.
  • Let your grieving loved one know that you’re there to listen.
  • Ask how your loved one feels.
  • Be willing to sit in silence.
  • Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died.
  • Offer extra support on special days.
  • Family and friends should also be on the lookout for destructive behaviours such as overconsumption of alcohol or increasing talk of suicide, and refer the grieving person to resources where they can receive help.

Medical centres and hospice organisations can help form connections with area grief counselling groups, led by professionals.

Grief support resources in Canada

If you or someone you know is dealing with grief, these Canadian organisations offer free support. Coping with grief looks different for everyone. This isn’t a complete list, and it’s not a substitute for professional care.

Take care of yourself

This advice applies to anyone who is grieving a death but particularly pertains to coping with sudden loss.

“Be patient with yourself. Get support if you need it,” Doka said, adding that the shock from losing a loved one and sudden grief can affect someone cognitively. “Try not to make dramatic changes in your life for a few months if you can,” he said.

Bryan says the best advice he has for someone on how to cope with the loss of a loved one is to continue doing the activities you loved doing with the person you lost.

“Sadness and grief will haunt you in crashing waves at random times for a while, but take the time to enjoy little things and activities in life, and it will give you a window of light in a room of darkness,” Bryan concludes. “As time goes on, the window will eventually turn into a door and offer an escape from the darkness. I’m not there yet but I see it happening and have hope for the future.”

For additional information, see our posts how to get help with burial expenses, how to start a scholarship fund to honour a loved one, and how to write an obituary and deliver a eulogy.

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Coping with death FAQs

There is no set timeline for grief. Most people find grief eases over time. It can resurface around anniversaries, holidays, or other big events. This can happen for months or even years after a loss. This is entirely normal. If grief is significantly affecting your daily life for an extended period, talk to a grief counsellor or mental health professional.

Grief and depression can look similar, but they are different. Grief is a natural response to loss. It typically comes in waves of sadness and memory triggers, with a gradual return to daily life. Depression is a persistent medical condition. It affects mood, energy, and daily functioning, and may require treatment. If feelings of hopelessness or inability to function persist, it is worth speaking with a doctor or mental health professional. You do not have to navigate this alone.

Yes. Many Canadian families use GoFundMe to cover funeral costs when they arise unexpectedly. A fundraiser can be shared with friends, family, and community across Canada and abroad. This gives people a simple way to contribute. You don’t need to qualify to start a fundraiser.

Written by Ved Khan