Help me beat this depression

My name is Phill, as you can see from the profile picture I used to be a smiling, lovavbe character with a flair for being slightlt silly. I liked that Phill, I respected that Phill and I want to become that Phill again.

So far in my life I have lost my brother, Firefighter Richard Jenkins, my parents have split up, I've lost all contact with my son Seth, and my sister has nephrotic syndrome, an amazingly rare conditon affecting the kidneys.

I have beat bowel cancer, however it was in the very early stages and a quick operation with amazing tech and staff within the NHS and some fluoruracil chemotheropy later and I seem fine. All through this I have managed to keep a smile on my face, keep working and keep on going, but now I find myself in Newport, South Wales, a place that I feel so lost, so cold so empty.

I would use any money raised to fist pay off my rent arrears as going to job interviews, eating and paying rent is sometimes a little on the impossible side given the current state of benefit. Then after that it would be the spring board I need to get out of this place, to go back home to Bridgend possibly and start a fresh, get a job, get back on my feet, and I know it's not going to be easy, I know I'll probably still be sat in some crappy room like I am now. Holes in jeans, shoes litreally falling apart, and I don't mean figuratively. I need this to help to carry on, these 4 walls are all I see.

I want to be the brother that cares for his sister, I want to work, I want to be there to support my mum if she is having an off day and I want to better my life but I'm trapped in this god aweful city, with no one to help, no where to turn and this here is my glimmer of hope that maybe I can get things back on track, just need a little help to do that.

Thank you for reading what must seems like an essay. If you have any questions then please do email me, I'll be happy to answer anything, or maybe you just want to chat, that would be good too :)

Edit - I've just read through that again and realise it's more of a rant than anything, I'm not great at writing down emotions.

I don't get excited by anything any more, more importantly I don't care about anything, and I used to care so much about so many things. I used to be the prankster at parties, I used to get really hyped up for many things including social gatherings, travel, love, gaming, and being a apart of something bigger, now I sit here feeling like I am rotting away, useless and forgotten while the rest of the world carries on regardless.

I need the old me back and not this twisted argumentative A hole that I have become. So please any and all donations to help me through this would mean the world to me. Thank you again.