Tim's Unfortunate Journey...

Hello.....I would greatly appreciate it if you would take the time to read this, as it's something that's important, and significant to me and my life.

Right now as I'm typing, I have to admit that there's really no part of me that wants to do this. But sometimes, necessity makes us do things that we ordinarily wouldn't do. We've all heard the quote that says "necessity is the mother of invention" which in essence means - that difficult or impossible situations prompt inventions, aimed at reducing the difficulty.

So here I am, in a unfortunate position.....and it's not a good feeling (it's horrible actually) and it feels extremely unnatural to me. So "my necessity" seems like an impossible situation, and I'm trying to reduce the difficulty, by whatever method to survive.

As I write this humble appeal (with fear and much trepidation.....believe me)

No......it's more than that, I'm scared

I'm sure that most or many of you already know about my situation regarding my back, subsequent surgeries, and the domino affect of how this has negatively affected my life in every way. Since many already know, I'm struggling with how much detail to go in to, which is hard for me, because I'm a very expressive and talkative person. But I'll just write from my heart, and see where this goes.

If you're someone who already knows my entire story, you could skip to the later paragraphs, and please consider my plea. And if you're a person who doesn't know, I feel like you deserve to hear my story, before any considerations are made.

About three years ago I had cyst that had grown on my spine that caused a horrible and debilitating pain, and I had to have back surgery to have that removed. Even at that time, I knew that I had more wrong with my back, and the neurosurgeon said at some point I'd need a spinal fusion surgery done (L4 / L5 with hardware) I asked him if this was a major surgery, and he said yes! We both agreed that since I was athletic and knew my body well, that it would be advantageous for me to wait and have the surgery done when I had to. Being such a major surgery would not only affect my job, but also end my running and athletics for quite a while, which were big things to consider. Just FYI....my primary doctor concurred, that this is a type of surgery that a person waits to have done, until it's necessary. In other words......you have this surgery when all the other options have been exhausted, which was the case with me.

At that time, I point blank asked my neurosurgeon if I could run and bike again after a spinal fusion (and at a high level too, like before) and he said enthusiastically - absolutely !!! He totally understood how important running was to me, and assured me all would be good....that was a relief ! He said it would take around a year to fully heal, and during that year I could walk all I wanted - swim - easy biking - some weights - and after 6 months or so, some light running. Although a year is a long time, I knew I could do that, and I could still workout some.

Fast forward......

I remember about a year ago, that things with my back really started to deteriorate, and even sleeping in my bed became difficult because of lying flat (I still to this day can't sleep in my bed, but use my recliner) I had given up running, and I only rode my mountain bike short distances to try and exercise a little. There came a point where I started losing my coordination from the waist down, and even walking became hard and I felt clumsy. Sometimes people would say.....are you alright Tim, you walk like you're injured. With these developments, I made an appointment with my primary care physician, and he said now things were getting serious with my back, especially when I told him I was losing the coordination from the waist down. He called in a order to have a MRI done, and a referral with a neurosurgeon. The problem was, I didn't have health insurance at that time from work, so I had to wait to have the MRI done. There was an enrollment time coming up at work, so I patiently waited the best I could.

Fast forward more...

My walking and back pain kept getting progressively worse, and even working was becoming a very difficult chore now. But I finally got health insurance through work, but this is also where things gradually began a downward spiral in my life.........a living nightmare!

Having health insurance I could finally have my MRI done, and see the neurosurgeon....it was winter by this time, and my back was getting really bad, and the cold slick conditions only made it worse and extra dangerous for me. One early morning as I was walking on the parking lot at home headed to work, I slipped on some ice and I fell hard on my right knee, and my knee cap ended up on the outside of my knee (I put it back in place) I barely made it to work (but I'm the type that never misses work) and as the day went on, it got worse and worse. The next morning I couldn't walk or put any weight on it, and my knee was huge. There I was with my serious back issues, and now my knee, and I had to miss work. The next few days I was trying to make it outside and to work, but I ended up falling 2 more times, and I got so frustrated ! I don't know what the law is, but I missed a little over a week of work, and I got let go (but I was finished, and even the manager said Tim...you need to get yourself taken care of) I don't know what I could have done different given my situation, but I had gotten to the end, and now I had no health insurance because I lost my job. Cobra ? Who can afford that ?

I spent lots of time trying to figure out what to do, because I could no longer work, but I had to have insurance to get myself taken care of. I felt lost and so alone, and I desperately tried to find ways to have surgery without insurance. Well intentioned people told me just go to the ER, but they would only treat the pain, not surgery. Day after day, week after week, which turned into 2 months I sought help the best I could. Luckily, I had thought things through, and I had started an emergency fund back when I realized I would need such a major surgery, and I would be missing work. I added that to what was already in my savings, so I felt like I had a good cushion. We're taught to have at least 6 months of pay saved up for emergencies, and I had that.

My friend Stacy Ball heard of my predicament, and got me an appointment with the agency her and Bob has health insurance through. I was so bad off physically, that she came and got me and took me there.....she was in a better mental state than I was, and she wanted to ask plenty of questions for me (I needed that) The agent spent time with us and answered all of our questions, and I got a health insurance policy through the marketplace and Obamacare. My monthly premium was very reasonable, and I was relieved to have insurance....I think there was only 4 days left to enroll.

Please understand, I'm doing the best I can with dates and such, as thinking back seems like a blur sometimes. I think extreme stress and anxiety causes this, as a person tries to deal with pain, and a future that's unknown and frightening.

After my MRI and seeing the neurosurgeon my surgery was "finally" scheduled for May 11th, and I was told I'd be in the hospital for 2 to 3 days (not bad I thought) As I was waiting for my surgery day, I was thinking about my savings account, and how long that realistically would last me (money dries up seemingly fast, when none is coming in, but I'm good with money tho) I asked the neurosurgeon how long before I could return to work after surgery, and he said 3 to 4 weeks....but he said it may be a shorter time for me, being in good shape. So given that info, I'd be ok, but I would have to find a new job quickly though.

May 11th came, and before I knew it I was in surgery. I was very tired of hurting, and I was worn out both mentally and physically. I wasn't scared or worried about my surgery, as I just wanted the pain to stop and to feel good again, and begin the road to recovery ! ! ! Or as I kept saying.....I wanted to see the light, at the end of the tunnel !

Little did I know, that I wouldn't get to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Oh....maybe a glimmer, which cruelly ended up fading away....

I woke up from surgery feeling sedated of course, but remember thinking, whew...I finally got that over with. I was told the surgery was four and a half hours long (WOW) and that all went well. As the day went on, I became more and more sore, but that was to be expected.

The next morning the nurse came in to check my wound, and she said my bed was saturated in blood....I was super sore and lying on my side for comfort, so I couldn't tell my bed was that soaked. The neurosurgeon made his daily round to me, and the nurse told him how much blood was on my bed, and he took the dressing off and changed it (he didn't say much) He checked my legs by doing some tests, and I didn't have feeling in my left leg, or control of movement (odd feeling) I could tell that concerned him, considering I didn't have "that" particular problem before surgery. A physical therapist came in and asked if I wanted to try and walk, and I said sure. It was very hard just getting out of bed, but I walked some, and that's when I noticed my left leg didn't work and I was dragging it. It was an agonizing walk, but I was on the road to recovery (I thought). After my walk (oh my gosh!!!) I got the worst headache imaginable, and there are no words to fully describe that pain I had. Honestly.....it hurt so bad that at that time, I asked the nurse to please get a gun and shoot me in the head (I did say that, and I was serious) That pain was so intense, that it took my will to live away! The nurse immediately called my neurosurgeon on her cell phone, while another nurse was trying to comfort me. The neurosurgeon instructed her to yank the drain tube out of my back asap, and mercy goodness....yank she did, and I about fainted when she did that. She told me she forgot it was sutured in (sorry) when she removed it...ouch! I was given a pain med in my IV for this spinal headache, and I was pressing the button for morphine all I was allowed. Finally, as I was laying on my side with my eyes closed, the headache subsided.....I didn't know what just happened. That headache was the worst pain ever, and I didn't want to experience that again.

After this episode my neurosurgeon stopped in to see me and he said.......yeah, "I did accidentally cut the dura around his spine in surgery, and I tried to repair it" I didn't know exactly what that meant at that time, but that cut caused a spinal leak, which was causing my horrid spinal headaches (this had to do with the spinal fluid and the correct pressure in my head around my brain) When the other nurses found out I was having these kind of headaches, they were like - oh no! Every morning my bed was still saturated with blood and spinal fluid, as my spine was still leaking....

A couple of days later, the neurosurgeon came in my room and had me roll over on my belly, and abruptly stuck me with needles in my back, trying to numb me around my surgical wounds (I about went through the roof with that pain, as I buried my face in my pillow) and then he sutured up around the staples, trying to stop the leak from the outside. I'm no doctor, but that made no sense considering the leak was inside of me. He only did that not wanting to fix things right, but was taking the easy way out....for him.

You know.......many of my athlete friends say I have a very high tolerance for pain, which is a benefit sometimes doing endurance events like running marathons and longer like I do.. But things were happening to me that were so wicked painful, that I was becoming afraid of what was next. I'm not a cryer and I don't whine much about anything, and my life has not been easy (if only people knew) But I was being put through things that made me lie on my hospital bed curled up in a ball, with tears streaming down my face (and I don't do that) waiting for the next torturous procedure or pain. The visitors I had were completely mortified, when they heard what I'd been through.....and that it being a reoccurring thing.

My bed in the mornings continued to be soaked with blood and spinal fluid, and the headaches continued.....especially if I tried to walk. I was put on complete bed rest....no getting up for anything, to try and help my spinal headaches and leak.

I ended up having 2 more surgeries trying to repair the spinal leak, and I continued to have the spinal headaches. Everyday the nurse and neurosurgeon would check my left leg, and it just wasn't right, and I couldn't control it. One of the additional surgeries was to put a drain into my back, and drain the spinal fluid into a container. That container filled up so fast 24/7, that it had to be emptied constantly. As I watched all that fluid coming from me, I knew that wasn't normal or right.

I was in the hospital a long time, and it ended up being a dreadful experience (putting it mildly) On Thursday May 28th my neurosurgeon said I was being released from the hospital, which I had mixed emotions about, and I said no you're not. He admitted that the cut on my spine was still leaking, and that I would still have those spinal headaches and leaks at home. He said hopefully this will heal up on its own, but I was skeptical. He acted concerned that I lived alone and upstairs, and he even tried to get me to go to an assisted living place (he just wanted rid of me) I said no way, and if that was necessary, he could just keep me in the hospital.

I attained some phone numbers of administrators and nurses at the hospital that were liaison's between patient's and doctors, and I voiced my concerns and utter disappointment with how my experience ended up being. I told these people I was not comfortable going home with my spine still leaking and having those spinal headaches, and I wanted it documented. The neurosurgeon came in the next morning spending lots of time asking if I had any questions, as I could tell he got talked to about me...

Finally, I was released from the hospital on May 29th, and I ended up being in there for 3 weeks, and I had 3 surgeries and one in room procedure. 3 weeks, for what was suppose to be 2 or 3 days ? Honestly, while in the hospital, I felt like a animal that was barbarically tortured beyond belief. The pain I endured was perpetual, and it was an experience that left an everlasting memory...how could it not? I want to say thanks to Cathie Miller for taking me home from the hospital. It was nearly impossible getting in a vehicle, up my stairs, and situated. But even worse.....I was in the hospital so long, my electricity was turned off for non payment. Great....and it was super hot too. I figured I would pay that later, not knowing I'd be hospitalized so long.

I want to add the following, so people fully understand my dire situation, and how hard I have fought for help and resources.

Once at home and not in the hospital, I had to deal with the realities of my life all alone. Lots of time had passed since I had worked, and my monthly bills continued to arrive.....bills don't take vacations, or have hospital stays. I was in the hospital 10 times longer than I thought I would be, and something that was another huge disappointment......was that I was not healing up, but rather was getting worse than before my surgeries. And my left leg, as I would try to walk....was like I didn't have a leg. Talk about worrisome.....

Like I mentioned, I had a money saved up because of my surgery, and knowing I'd be off work. But I never could have anticipated (who could have) on how things would really go. I realized my money was running very low, and with none coming in made me start to worry and be nervous. I had started asking people for suggestions on what to do (I had no idea, being tossed into this situation, and a first for me) and I truly thought there had to be all kinds of help out there for me being disabled because of a surgery and no income, but I painfully found out this wasn't the case. I frantically started searching for any help I could get, and I made this my diligent duty everyday seeking, even feeling as horrendous as I did everyday (barely able to move or walk) ,I finally got a letter from my neurosurgeon stating I was officially disabled, and in no way could I work. I then began the process of signing up for disability, but that most likely will take a very long time from the stories I've heard, and I need immediate help. I can say I have sought out every avenue of help that I possible could, and I even qualified for and got food stamps once my money fell below poverty level (you can't have much of anything to get food stamps) Rent is a big expense, and lots of people suggested section 8 or low income housing. Hey, that's fine with me, and I'd do that in a heartbeat to help myself! But when I checked (and I mean I checked and checked and checked) but there's unfortunately a year or two waiting list, which I can't wait. I did get some help from the Mt Pleasant Trustees office in Yorktown, and they paid half my rent for 2 months, but I still owe for the other halves and now July's rent, and August is quickly approaching. I've lived at Colonial Crest apartments since my divorce in 2000 (and I lost everything then) and they've been great about me not paying for awhile, knowing my medical situation (that shows how good of a tenant I am) But that's about to end very soon, if I don't pay and get caught up soon.

Now the most personal part, that only a few people know about.....just one person knows everything, and she has been truly wonderful and understanding (and giving)

When I said "humble appeal" at the beginning of this, I mean that I've had to deal with my pride and ego, and humbly learn that asking for help is ok.....when it feels so embarrassing doing so (I don't like doing this...no, I hate this) I've been a hard worker my whole life (since I was 14) and I've never had to ask for help or anything before. I've given to others in need (even when I couldn't afford it) and I definitely believe in the paying it forward blessing. To me, giving is gratifying, especially when the other person doesn't know who the giver is. Receiving takes me out of my comfort zone, but I've learned recently (with kind words from others) that everyone needs help at some point in their life. Thanks to the one's who made me feel ok and human, instead of shameful and embarrassed...that's means a lot to me right now.

Now I'm in a position that I've dug myself into a hole, and I'm getting extremely anxious about my bills, and having the money to pay them. I've not worked now for quite sometime because I can't, and I've paid all the bills I possible could. I figured I'd have some out of pocket medical expenses, but it was A LOT more than I figured. I've all but used up my emergency fund and savings, and that's just being frank, and the bare bones truth. I've frantically called all the customer care people where I owed bills to, begging and literally pleading to please give me more time. Most were good and understanding, and some I had to make a small goodwill payment to (very small) But this was only a temporary fix, until the end of the month. I was sitting here on Friday night June 26th fretting about my bills, and things being turned off (I was here all alone shaking in fear, because I couldn't believe this was happening to me) I think maybe I was living in denial, because now I realized more than ever, that I'm about to lose everything. Ok......I even thought about being homeless, and what happens then...I thought that through! (which is likely soon, if nothing changes) That night I thought about stuff I could sell around my apartment like my road bike, trainer, and other things people could use. I posted most of these items on a rummage sale site on face book, and everything sold on that Saturday and Sunday. On Sunday night I had time to think, and while I didn't make a bunch of money selling my personal things, it was enough to pay some bills and not have things turned off on Monday and Tuesday. I took a deep deep breath, and I could relax for a short moment (that felt so good) I had new life......albeit very short.

I've went through my apartment and found more things to sell, and I do as much as I can being limited with my back and leg (I'm trying to empty out as much as I can, in case I have to move) I've got my car for sale too, and I figure I'll worry about another one once I can work again and get on my feet...it's an older car, but really nice.

During this time I learned I lost my health insurance too (of all things) because I made to little to be on Obamacare. Just what I needed to hear at this point, and added more stress to my life. I'm still dealing with this, but now my insurance company is not paying for anything. I have needed prescriptions I need filled, and important upcoming medical appointments to keep....to find out what's still wrong with my back and leg. I've applied for Medicaid, but they won't pay for my past medical bills, that's going on $400,000 now.

I mentioned above the thoughts about becoming homeless, and that's another personal thing that I've only shared with one person. At night time trying to sleep in my recliner, I can't sleep very well or at all. My mind races with reoccurring thoughts of losing everything, and my heart pounds with utter fear of being out on the streets, and disabled. Some may think I'm overreacting or being dramatic, but I'm not.....this is real. If you were in my shoes, you would see.....but all I can do is express with typed words. But most have followed my path of how I got here, and are sympathetic in words, and know how painful all this has been on me. And that's physically yes, like a 1000 times over. But also mental and emotionally.....

Recently, I caught the city bus with my backpack in hand and rode to downtown Muncie, and I walked around as much as I could (which was very little as I hurt so bad, that I barely made it back home) I stopped close by the YMCA and Work Force One building and I leaned on a pole and thought.....if I were homeless, I couldn't even live this way for one hour, but what if I had to ?

Then when I got back to my apartment, my home, I thought....I love living here, and I don't want to have to move.

I'm about finished typing all this up and I know it's way too long (I'm sorry) and it's embarrassing when I go back and re-read this (the asking for help part) I've actually been trying to do this for over a week now, but I didn't have the courage to actually send it out. I'll admit I'm stubborn, and I have my pride that doesn't want to do this.....I just want to work, and be able to pay my bills. I imagine most people are like this, if in my position...

I need financial help (and soon) and I assure everyone that I've done my best to exhaust all the resources I could, to support myself. Like I mentioned, there's not as much help as I (or others) thought there was, but I've tried with many suggestion from others.

Somebody asked if I had credit cards to use and live off of, then just file bankruptcy (desperate times, calls for desperate measures I know) But I don't have a credit card(s) and I don't think I could consciously do that, but I'm not judging anyone either.

I know I've talked a lot about my back, the surgeries, and all the painful events that's happened to me all along the way (especially on face book) But see.....while most people are just living their normal life's like working - looking forward to weekends and vacations - fun hobbies - being married enjoying each other - or just all the little things that makes life fulfilling (which I'm thrilled when others are happy and content) But then I'm totally consumed every second of everyday with how I feel, and how I'm going to survive this nightmare I'm in the middle of...

All I can think of, is.......

I had a surgery that disabled me - I had the most miserable and painful hospital stay - I struggle to walk and have a horrible limp - my back is killing me 24/7 - I lost my health insurance even though I paid all my premiums - I can't work, but greatly desire too - I can't pay my bills - and I'm honestly scared and terrified of losing everything, and becoming a homeless person.

And what's truly frustrating, is.....

None of this is my fault, and I'm a victim in all this, and now I have to pay the consequences and ask for help. I know accidents happen, but shouldn't there be some sort of immediate accountability for somebody in my situation?

This GoFundMe site is a legitimate site, which I've personally given to before, so it's safe, and lot of people use it for many deserving reasons. Some may wonder how I came up with a $10,000 goal, so I did some math and I figured that would get me by for around 6 months....counting some of the medical bills I have to pay out of pocket, and the bills I'm behind on especially my rent. If people are going to be nice enough to give to me, then I want to have a reasonable goal. I could never take advantage of a situation, or the good nature of giving people. I know I won't be able to work for a very long time, and I'm going to have to have something done with my back to fix it (and I heard it could take literal years). Hopefully in 6 months, I'll have a better idea of where I'm at financially like with disability, and also with my back if I get Medicaid or not. There are many if's right now with my life, but the main one right now is keeping my apartment (and not ending up on the street) and getting caught up with my bills. I don't waste money, and I've been good about that for months now, or I'd already be on the street. The goal amount may or may not be near enough (that's ok) But it will for sure give me lots of breathing room, allow me to relax, and to be able to work on my future with a better and more healthy mindset. Right now my mind wonders and races a lot, because of the fear of a uncertain near future. But I'd love to go to sleep without worry, and wake up in the morning with a calm heart, knowing I'm not going to be evicted or have things turned off. Then I can concentrate better, and more clearly work towards my recovery....

Yesterday, I went outside for some fresh air, and it was nice out. This is not new now, but "intellectually" I hear the birds sing - I see the green grass - the blue sky - the summer sounds and smells. But I don't "feel" any of those, and I'm numb with depression. Fear and worry does this, along with constant and relentless pain. But if I can get some financial relief, I'll be able to cope better with the other things....

I've had quite a few people on face book ask for my address, and about my rent and things. Two people have sent me money, which I greatly appreciate beyond words, and it helped. The first realized the urgency of my situation, and asked others to also. From personal experience, it's super easy giving here on GoFundMe.....seriously, only a couple of minutes. I think sometimes people think about giving, then their busy life gets in the way, and they forget. If you would rather use mail, just ask for my address.

And finally, I want to add this, which is very important for me to say. No one, and I mean no one, owes me a penny. And I do not have a sense of entitlement, or feel like anyone owes me anything. I just wanted to express that.....I'd rather be giving right now, than asking.

Something just dawned on me as I finished this. I realized why doing this was so hard and extremely awkward for me (other than the obvious) It's because I'm doing it for myself. I imagine that most of the time, someone does this for somebody else.....

Thank you for reading all, or part of this at least (I know it's very long, but like I said, I'm an expressive person) I hope you sense the sincerity that's in my heart, and the urgency of my unfortunate situation. A gift of any size will be greatly appreciated, and a wonderful blessing to another human being in need. And as we all hear....no gift is too small.

Most everyone knows about my passion for running, cycling, and triathlons....mostly running before I had to stop. I have lots of runner friends, and if you're a runner, maybe you could share this with other runners or groups you know. I miss running and racing marathons and ultras more than I can express, and I still have running a 100 mile trail race on my mind.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers, as they were greatly needed...and still are. No matter what, I have faith that God will see me through this trial, and that God will provide all my needs. And I know from personal experience, that God uses people to help others...

Again, thank you !

Tim