Help Kita Come Home
Donation protected
My name is Amber, and I am Kita's mother.
Short version: My abusive, rapist ex-husband found out that I spoke to police about what he put me through, and retaliated by refusing to let our daughter ever see me and her siblings.
Long version:
Kita's father and I used to be married. He was very abusive to me, and to our oldest child. I was kicked, punched, pinched, choked, pushed, thrown around -even while pregnant, and I was raped. I was called horrible names, lied about, screamed at, had my belongings sold off or destroyed, isolated from friends and family, and even had what I wore controlled. I was also stalked (online, at work, and at home), harassed, and threatened each time I tried to leave. Eventually I did leave, and this behavior continued even after our divorce over a year later - for example, I moved and did not tell him where I lived, so he drove around until he found me - then waited until I was home alone to knock on my door and brag about this. He is not a good person, and has several marks on his record, including DWI and assault.
After we separated, he often threatened that he would take both of our children and hide them so that I could never find them. During our relationship he often kept my children from me, so this threat was believeable.
During the divorce process, I had to make a very tough decision: Share custody with him, and both children would be subjected to him and possibly hidden from me, or take full custody of one child while he had full custody of the other.
I decided to go with the second option, because this kept my oldest child - the one he abused - safe. She would no longer come back from visits with black eyes, bruises from her lower back to upper legs, bruises on her face, crying herself to sleep at night, or having severe nightmares. She would be completely safe. I feared for the safety of my other daughter, Kita, but at the time I did not know my legal options, I felt as though I would not be believed, and I was afraid to speak out against my ex-husband for fear of what he might do to me and my children in response.
Off paper, and during the custody hearing, we agreed to let our children spend time with each other, and we granted each other the right to see both children.
Things were okay - for a while. I would request visits and go ignored, or he would be late, or he would show up alone claiming that he "forgot" to bring our daughter to see me. Though on his terms, and very infrequently, he still allowed the visits to happen, and I was grateful for any amount of time I could spend with my Kita. Also, if I began to upset him in any way, he would immediately threaten to stop allowing these visits, and may not respond to my requests for a visit for months.
I should make it clear that I was the only one wanting visits. He never requested a visit with our oldest daughter. In fact, he signed paperwork allowing her to be adopted by another man, and he allowed me to change her legal last name to mine, because he wants nothing to do with her - unless, of course, I have Kita, and then he wants our oldest daughter. I should also note that during all of this time - and we have been apart for more than seven years now - I have been paying child support, and maintaining Kita's clothing, toiletries, bedding, etc in my home. He has never once helped to support our oldest in any way, or asked about her.
Through all of this, I was seeking to heal from the years of abuse and sexual assault I had experienced. Part of this healing process was to report what had happened. I never reported it before because I was afraid of his retaliation, but now I felt ready. The sexual assault (not the only one, but the most violent event which caused me to leave for good) occured early in 2008 and I reported in Oct 2012. I knew nothing would be done legally because too much time had passed, but again this was for my own journey to healing. It was incredibly upsetting and humiliating. I had to not only relive what I went through, but describe it in detail and answer very personal questions. It was horrible. I was shaking and sobbing throughout the interview. But, I began to feel better.
Unfortunately, I was right to fear retaliation. Once my ex-husband learned that I reported what he did, even though he knew nothing would be done about it legally, he stopped allowing Kita to visit. I have seen her ONCE since Christmas 2012. I have sent numerous emails, texts, and Facebook messages, and all have been ignored (and I have been blocked). This absolutely breaks my heart.
I once contacted my ex-husband's mother via email in a desperate attempt to see Kita. She responded that they will never let me see Kita out of hatred toward me. She even said that it is "sick" for me to want Kita to live with me. I don't understand her reasoning, at all. But, this is what I have had to deal with. She also told me that Kita wants nothing to do with me, and does not love me. This is a stark contrast to the loving, happy child who used to visit and wanted to stay with me. I know that my ex-husband and his family have been turning her against me.
Let me tell you about us. I am a full time student pursuing three degrees and a minor, and am almost done with school. I have been in a stable, loving relationship for 3.5 years now and am engaged to be married next summer. My fiance is a veteran of the Minnesota Army National Guard, studied sociology in college, and works very hard at both of his jobs. Together, we are raising three happy, healthy children in a safe environment.
Now, let me tell you about Kita. She is amazing. She is funny, and sweet, and gorgeous, and oh-so-smart. And talented in art, just like me! She was always very happy to visit us. She often said that she wished her daddy would let her visit more often, and that she could stay with me. She deserves a chance to be happy with us again.
Kita also has siblings she barely knows. She has an older sister, a younger brother, and a baby sister. She also has an incredibly loving extended and step family who all want Kita to be part of their lives. We keep Kita's photos framed around our house and speak of her often so that her siblings at least know who she is. But, it is not enough. They need their sister, and Kita needs us.
I spent many, many hours - days, in fact - compiling as much evidence as I could, and arranging a timeline of events. I hope to prove in court that him keeping Kita from us is done in retaliation, and show that I should at least have visitation rights, particularly since visits were okay until I reported what happened.
Even without any of that, even if the judicial system fails and rules that I cannot see Kita, these siblings have rights. Kita and her siblings have the right to know and spend time with each other. I love and miss Kita. I have always wanted her to live with me, and ideally that would be the eventual result. But, at the very least, I want all of my children to be together.
I am trying to raise money to help cover legal fees associated with trying to gain custody of, or establish sibling's rights for, my daughter. I also know that because of my ex-husband's history of abusive behavior, he will retaliate against me, and his family will support him. He will fight this, making it as costly as possible, and will most likely try to find out where I live again. I worry, and my attorney has also expressed concern, that he or his family will hurt me, hurt my children, or disappear with Kita. Since this process started, his friends and family have already begun harassing me. But, I cannot continue on as though our lives aren't missing a very important person - Kita. We love her, and I will never stop fighting for her right to be part of our lives.
Any help at all will be greatly appreciated, and even if you cannot donate, I thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for any emotional support you offer.
Short version: My abusive, rapist ex-husband found out that I spoke to police about what he put me through, and retaliated by refusing to let our daughter ever see me and her siblings.
Long version:
Kita's father and I used to be married. He was very abusive to me, and to our oldest child. I was kicked, punched, pinched, choked, pushed, thrown around -even while pregnant, and I was raped. I was called horrible names, lied about, screamed at, had my belongings sold off or destroyed, isolated from friends and family, and even had what I wore controlled. I was also stalked (online, at work, and at home), harassed, and threatened each time I tried to leave. Eventually I did leave, and this behavior continued even after our divorce over a year later - for example, I moved and did not tell him where I lived, so he drove around until he found me - then waited until I was home alone to knock on my door and brag about this. He is not a good person, and has several marks on his record, including DWI and assault.
After we separated, he often threatened that he would take both of our children and hide them so that I could never find them. During our relationship he often kept my children from me, so this threat was believeable.
During the divorce process, I had to make a very tough decision: Share custody with him, and both children would be subjected to him and possibly hidden from me, or take full custody of one child while he had full custody of the other.
I decided to go with the second option, because this kept my oldest child - the one he abused - safe. She would no longer come back from visits with black eyes, bruises from her lower back to upper legs, bruises on her face, crying herself to sleep at night, or having severe nightmares. She would be completely safe. I feared for the safety of my other daughter, Kita, but at the time I did not know my legal options, I felt as though I would not be believed, and I was afraid to speak out against my ex-husband for fear of what he might do to me and my children in response.
Off paper, and during the custody hearing, we agreed to let our children spend time with each other, and we granted each other the right to see both children.
Things were okay - for a while. I would request visits and go ignored, or he would be late, or he would show up alone claiming that he "forgot" to bring our daughter to see me. Though on his terms, and very infrequently, he still allowed the visits to happen, and I was grateful for any amount of time I could spend with my Kita. Also, if I began to upset him in any way, he would immediately threaten to stop allowing these visits, and may not respond to my requests for a visit for months.
I should make it clear that I was the only one wanting visits. He never requested a visit with our oldest daughter. In fact, he signed paperwork allowing her to be adopted by another man, and he allowed me to change her legal last name to mine, because he wants nothing to do with her - unless, of course, I have Kita, and then he wants our oldest daughter. I should also note that during all of this time - and we have been apart for more than seven years now - I have been paying child support, and maintaining Kita's clothing, toiletries, bedding, etc in my home. He has never once helped to support our oldest in any way, or asked about her.
Through all of this, I was seeking to heal from the years of abuse and sexual assault I had experienced. Part of this healing process was to report what had happened. I never reported it before because I was afraid of his retaliation, but now I felt ready. The sexual assault (not the only one, but the most violent event which caused me to leave for good) occured early in 2008 and I reported in Oct 2012. I knew nothing would be done legally because too much time had passed, but again this was for my own journey to healing. It was incredibly upsetting and humiliating. I had to not only relive what I went through, but describe it in detail and answer very personal questions. It was horrible. I was shaking and sobbing throughout the interview. But, I began to feel better.
Unfortunately, I was right to fear retaliation. Once my ex-husband learned that I reported what he did, even though he knew nothing would be done about it legally, he stopped allowing Kita to visit. I have seen her ONCE since Christmas 2012. I have sent numerous emails, texts, and Facebook messages, and all have been ignored (and I have been blocked). This absolutely breaks my heart.
I once contacted my ex-husband's mother via email in a desperate attempt to see Kita. She responded that they will never let me see Kita out of hatred toward me. She even said that it is "sick" for me to want Kita to live with me. I don't understand her reasoning, at all. But, this is what I have had to deal with. She also told me that Kita wants nothing to do with me, and does not love me. This is a stark contrast to the loving, happy child who used to visit and wanted to stay with me. I know that my ex-husband and his family have been turning her against me.
Let me tell you about us. I am a full time student pursuing three degrees and a minor, and am almost done with school. I have been in a stable, loving relationship for 3.5 years now and am engaged to be married next summer. My fiance is a veteran of the Minnesota Army National Guard, studied sociology in college, and works very hard at both of his jobs. Together, we are raising three happy, healthy children in a safe environment.
Now, let me tell you about Kita. She is amazing. She is funny, and sweet, and gorgeous, and oh-so-smart. And talented in art, just like me! She was always very happy to visit us. She often said that she wished her daddy would let her visit more often, and that she could stay with me. She deserves a chance to be happy with us again.
Kita also has siblings she barely knows. She has an older sister, a younger brother, and a baby sister. She also has an incredibly loving extended and step family who all want Kita to be part of their lives. We keep Kita's photos framed around our house and speak of her often so that her siblings at least know who she is. But, it is not enough. They need their sister, and Kita needs us.
I spent many, many hours - days, in fact - compiling as much evidence as I could, and arranging a timeline of events. I hope to prove in court that him keeping Kita from us is done in retaliation, and show that I should at least have visitation rights, particularly since visits were okay until I reported what happened.
Even without any of that, even if the judicial system fails and rules that I cannot see Kita, these siblings have rights. Kita and her siblings have the right to know and spend time with each other. I love and miss Kita. I have always wanted her to live with me, and ideally that would be the eventual result. But, at the very least, I want all of my children to be together.
I am trying to raise money to help cover legal fees associated with trying to gain custody of, or establish sibling's rights for, my daughter. I also know that because of my ex-husband's history of abusive behavior, he will retaliate against me, and his family will support him. He will fight this, making it as costly as possible, and will most likely try to find out where I live again. I worry, and my attorney has also expressed concern, that he or his family will hurt me, hurt my children, or disappear with Kita. Since this process started, his friends and family have already begun harassing me. But, I cannot continue on as though our lives aren't missing a very important person - Kita. We love her, and I will never stop fighting for her right to be part of our lives.
Any help at all will be greatly appreciated, and even if you cannot donate, I thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for any emotional support you offer.
Organizer
Amber Gordon
Organizer
Bemidji, MN
