Skip's Top Surgery Fund!

Update, 4/21/15 (Please scroll below, beyond this blurb, to get more information):

"I love my friends my chosen family. And I love being surprised by them, and their unconditional love and support. Right now, I am going through so many transitions in my personal life (no pun intended), and it feels so wonderful to feel so supported during a time where I feel scared and extremely vulnerable. But I feel that explanations are important for those that are my support system, my family.
I really don't know where to begin. I don't know that this even has a concrete, definite beginning. I know that it feels right and natural, and that some things have taken me by surprise as I progress. And as scared, nervous, or any other way that I feel, I also feel calm, I feel centered, and I feel more in touch with myself than I ever have.
Meeting me, I don't know if you can say you could ever see me as an "Amber". I know that old friends from grade school might, but that is a whole other stratosphere from my adult life and the present tense. I can 100% understand that.
To know my past is to truly understand it. As soon as I had any control over the way I looked or dressed, dresses went bye bye (It was my grandmother, who passed away when I was three years old, that made me wear them, anyhow - not my mother). I was a fan of anything boy. The only "feminine" thing about me was my longer hair. And, as a child of the 80's, that wasn't too feminine (especially to a teenage parent that listened to big-hair 80's bands).
When I was young, there was this batshit crazy neighbor woman that lived several houses down. I remember finding out later in my life (when I was a teenager, anyway) that she would never let her children play with me, and told other parents in the neighborhood to do the same, because I was a "boy trapped in a girls body" and that I was an "unearthly creature."
I remember when I would play in the sprinklers or go swimming, I would only wear shorts. It felt proper, right, and natural. My mom allowed for me to do this until I was about 9 years old. The only reason I stopped or felt shamed was because of the reaction of a parent of a friend that I was playing with in the sprinklers.
When I was around 10 or 11, I had two friends (they were brothers). Suddenly, one day, I wasn't allowed to play with them anymore. I was told it was because they were too old, and it was time that boys associated with boys, and girls with girls. I didn't understand.
Until I was older, there wasn't a name for this. When I was 14 years old, I learned about lesbianism and homosexuality (thanks, late night Cinemax/Showtime/Whatever it was!). I was thankful. I thought I had a name for it. I liked girls and I was a tomboy. So naturally, I embraced a "butch lesbian" persona. I did this HAPPILY. Because I wasn't alone; I wasn't a freak. I didn't show this side of me until I was 16 or 17, though. Because I was scared. Of what my family would think, of what my friends would think, of being hurt. I grew up in a decently small city. At least, when it comes to alternative things like this, for the time that it was.
But as time went on. I felt like, what I can only describe as... hmm.. a snake shedding its skin. I outgrew things. Particularly, I outgrew self perceptions and identities as I learned of others that were more fitting for myself (if that makes sense). I had met a few transgender individuals when I was 18 or 19, but I didn't know them well, I didn't really understand it, and so I dismissed it. I was immersed in college, my social scene, and rugby. I really didn't give myself time to think about things beyond those priorities at that time in my life. It just didn't strike out as a priority. I was happy because I had so many things to distract myself with. I was too busy to think about the hard questions regarding my inner self and who I was.
Then, I moved to New York City in 2007 (rather abruptly). The people I did spend time with didn't fit neatly into boxes. I met a lot of transgender individuals. I spent a lot of time with these transgender individuals. And, for a time, I embraced that. But I was SO scared. I would ONLY embrace it with these people, and when I was spending time with them. Otherwise, no way. Not in my job, not in my personal life away from those people, not in rugby, etc. That was scary. And when I lost connection with those people, I just discarded it as something that wouldn't be able to happen. I still didn't understand myself well enough. I thought it was a nice thought, and I liked the way I felt when we would have "boys' days out" but it didn't feel like I could go beyond that.
Then, I met someone who started to turn the crank in my head. Started to get me thinking about ME and who I was. She showed me a different world with different people and helped me to feel okay in my skin; to take ownership of myself and my identity. It was truly eye opening. And while I didn't find my way there then, I began my journey. Preferring gender-neutral pronouns. But again, ONLY to those that "got it" (or, those that I felt "got it" anyway). I was too scared to be this person away from those people. Like a safety net. So time and time again, I kept choosing the easier route when faced with a choice, and I would keep these thoughts locked away in my head. (Thank you Laura for being the person to first start making me think about myself and my identity. I do credit so much to you).
I had also seen a substantial rise in trans folks in my own circles between then and now (now being this snippet I'm talking about AND presently). I was afraid of seeming like I was just jumping on a bandwagon. Like "trans* was the new ____" I didn't want people to think I wasn't being genuine to myself, that I was just "saying" I was something. And really, I don't know why I am always so worried about what people think. I'm better with it now, but back then it was VERY important to me. I didn't want to be seen as a "faker." And that's a horrible reason to not be true to yourself.
Now, in Jacksonville. I am OPEN about being gender fluid, gender non-conforming, non-binary, genderqueer, etc. I talk OPENLY about it with not only people in my personal life, but with people at my law school. And I am accepted. And those who don't accept it at least respect me enough as a person to tolerate it and still treat me with respect (those people being some folks at school). The more I talk about it, the more I feel comfortable within myself and like there is a next step. That I am that snake, shedding the skin. Initially, I said I would be fine with ONLY getting top surgery (a double mastectomy to remove my breasts and create a masculine chest). That I wouldn't start hormone replacement therapy (by taking testosterone). But I think it is something I want to do. I am fine with not having a hysterectomy to remove the lady parts. And I personally do not WANT to have bottom surgery (to construct a penis). I am happy with the compact nature of my bits and don't want anything there). And it was so profound to me when my girlfriend said, "I was waiting for you to get here on your own." It won't let me hyperlink tag her, but Lindsey has been so fabulous. She really is my champion.
This won't happen overnight, to be sure. I need a therapist (because to proceed, you need to have mental health professionals "check off" things), I need prescriptions for T (testosterone), etc. and insurance would really help with this, as I am a full-time student that lives off a meager stipend and has no money! So I might have to wait. But during that time of waiting, I CAN embrace myself as who I am. I CAN be honest about that.
I am scared, though. I can't lie. I feel like this is a harder path to choose. And it isn't choosing in that I am choosing that this is who I am. I am simply choosing to embrace who I am and not lie about it. To myself or anyone else. But I am scared. And I have to make sacrifices. Once I start T, I won't be able to play women's rugby anymore (I guess I better get that in before that day comes, then!). That was SUCH a big part of my life. And while I don't actively play at the moment, to KNOW that I COULDN'T if I WANTED to hurts. I anticipate that I will lose some people that are important to me. I anticipate people not understanding. And that is hard, and that is scary.
I just feel like simply saying "Oh, I'm gender non-conforming" is taking the easy way. Because it is a partial truth that more people might be able to proscribe their own definition to (non-conforming = butch? masculine? boyish? Not trans.).
To close this, I will post my worries that I said to my friend last night. While it reiterates much of what I babbled above, it is in a raw form that had flowed from my mind without giving it forethought:
"I was just taking to my girlfriend about it. And how I took ownership of gender queer and gender neutral. And I noticed inwardly that there is more to it than just that. And it has been like that inwardly for at least 9 years. That I knew I wasn't a girl or what have you. And I'm just afraid. And I feel like as far as the trans realm goes. Saying gender queer and gender neutral is more playing it safe. Im afraid of a harder life. Personally and professionally. I'm afraid of losing friends. I'm afraid of disappointing my mom. And I'm scared that once I started t, if I chose to do that, that hats it. The changes would be irreversible if there was the slim chance that I would change my mind. And it would mean goodbye to things like rugby (I wouldn't play for a men's team. It's too different and I'm uninterested, heh) and I'm afraid of losing my hair and going bald (that's a true fear). I'm afraid I won't find a job outside of LGBT issues. I'm afraid I'll be seen as jumping on a band wagon. Even though I've felt this way since I can first ever remember. And I feel like I'm cheating and taking something that's not mine to take. I don't know if any of that ramble makes sense. It's just a reoccurring thought. I think about it every. Day. Every single day. And I feel like saying gender queer and gender neutral is like. Taking an easy way out that would be 'more' acceptable to most people. But ever since I publicly embraced that. And talk about it. The more comfortable in my skin I feel, and the more I know inside that it isn't enough with just that. That there is more."
Something profound that my friend said in response was that "You always get to define your gender, whether or not you're on T, get surgery, etc. I am trans and I will always be trans and I will always tell people I'm trans bc I don't fit into a binary box. Folks put me in the man category now, but anyone that I get to know will know bc I want to push people to think about more than just M/F. It's bold but damn it feels good" and "It took me so long to do this bc I bought into the idea that the "trans narrative" is only for those who feel like they have always been in the wrong body. Like these kids you see on TV and stuff nowadays. I don't feel like that, so I thought it meant I wasn't really trans. But after 10 years of thinking about it, hat never went away. And that means more than anything else. I feel like I can be any kind of trans I want. And maybe I don't necessarily feel like I'm 'in the wrong body' so much as maybe I just want to be a different version of myself. Trans is a much much bigger spectrum than folks realize"
That's me. And I just want to BE me; I want to BE happy and healthy.
I know this is HELLA long. And SO many people won't read it! And THAT is okay! But if you do read it. Or if you TRY to read it and just can't make it through everything, please ask me anything. I will do my best to articulate it.

What’s up?

Hi there! My name is Skip, and I am here trying to raise funds from you kind folks to help me pay for top surgery. To explain a bit about myself, I identify as a gender queer individual. I prefer gender-neutral pronouns (they/them/their). While I do not identify wholly as transgender (which means that a person was assigned a different gender at birth than they identify with) or as cisgender (which means that a person feels they match with the gender they were assigned at birth), I do primarily identify as having an overlap of, or indefinite lines between, gender identity and, at times, move between genders or with a fluctuating gender identity (genderfluid). However, while I am mostly comfortable being a female-bodied person, I do identify most often on the transmasculine side of things. Because of this, there are some things with my body that don’t look the way they’re supposed to (my chest). Every time I look in the mirror or put on a sports bra, I do not completely see or feel as if I am myself. My body is not the way it should be, but it is a relatively easy fix.