Heather's new life
My name is Heather. I'm transgender and homeless. Twenty-eight years old. I have three outfits of clothing and hardly enough money for food, even with benefits. I'm overweight. I have painful postural issues that (although fixable with exercise and stretching - something I'm currently working on) make it difficult to be active. It's incredibly hard if not impossible to eat right when you're homeless, and I've been gaining weight. My self esteem has been suffering immensely. I've been assaulted three times in the last six months, one of them sexual. I don't get to talk to my family as much as I'd like. I've had to deal with violent people and threats and transphobic police who tell me I deserve it. Life's been kind of a dick lately.
It's okay, though. I'm done lamenting my situation and feeling sorry for myself. I've been so depressed and so emo (talking about and attempting suicide, cutting myself, crying all the time, etc) that I've alienated nearly my entire circle of friends. At my lowest, I fell into a darker place than I think I've ever been. My arms are covered with scars. I got some plastic bags and some pills and meticulously began to plan my death. I deleted everyone on Facebook, requested a ban from the forums I loved posting on, and isolated myself from everyone. It's strange how you can feel so lonely while isolating yourself, in hindsight. I reached out to my ex-boyfriend and he told me I was pathetic and acting like a five year old. I hated him for it. I thought about killing myself right then just to show him what a stupid asshole he was. But he was right.
I didn't realize he was right until I saw another transwoman's transition video posted on reddit. It was about a lady who struggled with her gender identity her whole life, putting on a macho mask and even joining the marines to run away from herself. She was taller than me, more built, more masculine...and in a strange way, comparing myself to her gave my self-esteem a big shot of reassurance. I didn't feel better than her or more attractive...but I realized that maybe I didn't have it as bad as I sometimes let myself think I do. And as the video went on that shot of reassurance began to bloom into this amazing warm feeling - she was so beautiful and so happy and it showed in every photograph. It made me feel like maybe I'm not so worthless. Maybe the good things in life are worth fighting for. I stopped telling myself I was stupid and fat and ugly and worthless and instead started saying things like "I'm going to be me." "I'm going to be happy." "I'm going to love myself." "And nobody is going to stand in my way."
So right now I'm getting ready to move back to Iowa, my home state. I've got proper ID now so I can work again (after a long time with having a different legal name than the one on my IDs)
Working is precisely what I plan to do. But I'm hoping I can raise some money to help. $45000 is enough to pay for my hair removal and my reassignment surgeries. And to be honest I'd also like to buy a bicycle and a gym membership so I can start to work on my body. Also in the immediate sense I need clothing (especially for work and interviewing), and super-immediately I need money to help pay a fee to move my departure date forward so I can avoid spending seven days sleeping in the street.
If you can find it in your heart to donate, thank you. I promise I'll pay it forward to another person in my situation someday. If you can't donate (or you just don't want to, which I understand), perhaps you could share this? Just post it to your facebook wall or throw it up on reddit. Everything helps.
Really. Thank you so much. And yes. The photo is upside down on purpose. Why? Why not?
