I will try and be concise but such things are difficult for me I am drowning in despair and depravity.

A man emailed me a few days ago and suggested I try this platform.

in many ways it is still 1998 in my head I can go as far back as the Pre-Socratics but I know very little about anything that has happened since 1998 as that was when my world fell apart.

I doubt I will find any kindness or compassion here as such things are the rarest of the rare in this day and age.

However I can only try and " Hope" as " Hope" is all I have left.

I have an encyclopedic knowledge of mans inhumanity towards man I have lived it for 23 years.

and with 2 exceptions at best all I found was depraved indifference and at worst the depraved behavior of a French sociopath that ripped me apart until there was nothing left.

I had to grin and bear it for a handful of change so I could eat.

I am a broken down homeless wretch that is trying to find help so I can go and get back money that was stolen from my late daughters charity and I by the woman I thought I would grow old with.

With slight intermissions I have been homeless or in hovels for 23 years.

I spent 8 to 10 years on the streets of France.

Today I tried emailing over 80 staff members at the Mayors office in Paris and not one had any kindness or compassion within their heart.

I was looking for help to get the 4.5 years of RSA(Welfare) France owes me.

I have no fight left at an emotional level I am numb drowning in a lake of despair that a French sociopath threw me in.

The word sociopath is bandied around by W.G.A chimps with crayons with such abandon.

However I use the word in the clinical sense this man is a sociopath that ripped me apart until nothing remained of me.

All I have left is lower brain function it is getting harder and harder to stay alive.

All that keeps me breathing is a dream of seeing the woman that destroyed me and stole so much money from my late daughters charity and I go to jail.

That dream has lived in my heart for 21 years.

However I am numb drowning in a lake of dichotomous despair that a French sociopath threw me in.

Emotionally I cannot understand how anybody can treat anybody the way he has treated me but at an intellectual level I understand the pathology of his sociopathy.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up and never wake up but I want to see the woman that destroyed me go to jail for fraud more.

I dream of sitting in a court room and seeing this woman go to jail I say this tongue in cheek, however I would almost want to file an amicus brief.

"Motion To Kiss The Judge."

All that has kept me alive all these years is a dream of seeing that woman go to jail.

However it is getting harder and harder to stay alive if you wanted D.S.M drivel the DX would be P.T.S.D an umbrella term that means nothing.

I prefer the words of Owen and Sassoon I am shell shocked at what that French sociopath has done to me.

He knows me better than anybody but my life has been a game to him for over a decade in effect he is a sociopathic Curt Richter and I am his lab rat.

For so many years I thought to myself surely only a matter of time until he was honest with me.

He never was and then he ripped me apart until there was nothing left.

It has all been a game to him and his boss, feed the dog and see what the dog does, take the dogs food away and see what the dog does kind of thing.

I am a human being not one of Pavlov's puppies drowning in depravity that a French sociopath has subjected me to.

The last few weeks he has even refused me food.

I am in such a horrible place nobody will even give me a job cleaning excrement out of toilets, soul destroying but better than jumping through hoops constructed by a French sociopath, better than begging on the streets or eating out of trash cans.

I am utterly numb, utterly shell shocked.

I have been trying to put this up for over 10 days but I expect it is pointless.

If you wanted psych babble the term would be " Cognitive Bias" without psych babble everything has failed for 23 years.

I started begging in Paris in October 2005 and spent 8 to 10 years on the streets of Paris or Nice.

In all of that time only 1 person in France showed me any real kindness was a waitress from Menton.

Every day Carole did what she could for months, a sandwich and a coffee, her husband gave me a coat.

She did not have an apartment to lend me, she did not have money to lend me but she did what she could.

The kindest heart I encountered in France.

A woman from Idaho with millions but a dark heart would not even give me a sandwich.

I love Carole like a sister.

France was once a civilized country but as a nation it has lost all its values an utter lack of compassion or morality.

I cannot even get the welfare France owes me.

A thought by way of an allegory if a stranger stole your car you are sad but only a matter of time until the insurance company sends you a check and you can get a new car.

However think how it would hurt if the person you thought you would grow old with stole your car all the emotional turmoil within your heart.

However what if the person you thought you would grow old with took every penny you had and left you to die on the streets of Paris and nobody wants to get involved as the person that took your money is being protected by an ex politician.

That is my despair, my heart is engulfed with despair and disgust.

I have spent 23 years of my life trying to find kindness, compassion and morality and I failed.

At best all I ever found was depraved indifference, nobody wants to get involved once they confirm this woman is being protected by an ex politician.

As I said earlier a man suggested I try this platform and I am and all I can do is hope but hope has not got me anywhere in 23 years and a man I once thought was my friend has spent 13 months ripping me apart until there was nothing left

Just take the last 11 days, 5 times he has said to me either I can get my ticket tomorrow or on Monday and no ticket not even a warm meal.

This has been going on for 13 months.

The help I need is help so I can go and get my money back and try and enjoy what little time I have left sitting on the cusp of 61.

We never know what tomorrow will bring, I once knew a man that was very athletic and he died from cancer at 57.

All these years of despair as a homeless wretch looking like a reject from a Hogarth painting are an utter blur.

I have no idea where all the years went, I was 32 running around Paris working on a gothic novel and now I am a broken down old man a few days away from 61.

I was a small time journalist and stage actor of British extraction but I spent most of my adult life in NYC.

I was a small time journalist but an ethical one I was never one of Murdoch's chimps penning drivel for the NY Post or The Sun in the UK.

I used to do a lot of freelance work for the Village Voice, a publication from a bygone era.

An ethical publication integrity and morality were the keywords at the Village Voice not the almighty dollar.

I moved to Paris in 1997 to work on a gothic novel.

I came across a Mennonite gold digger but at the time all I heard was this little voice from the Canadian Prairies that wanted to be a writer.

I encountered her on a writers website.

I was living in Paris and as a teenager I read too much Dumas and this little voice from the Canadian Prairies wanted " Rescuing".

Well I got on my metaphoric horse and rescued her thinking Monsieur de Treville the Captain of the Musketeers would approve kind of thing.

This woman became pregnant with my child and then one day she was gone.

That dalliance cost me 180k all I had in this world in theory money can be replaced.

My late daughter cannot be replaced.

The next 4 years 1998 to 2002 I was drunk spending friends money schlepping around the planet looking for a child that never existed.

I thought she carried my daughter to term I found out 4 years later that she had a miscarriage, those drunken 4 years cost me every friend I had.

That was my fault not theirs but I could not help it I wanted my daughter.

Everybody knew this woman was no good, everybody knew apart from me.

I was a walking disaster area area and drunk for 4 years looking for Anastasia-Paris my daughter the little girl that never was.

It was all a blur a pointless drunken fugue but I did not know any better.

It took me years to accept the Mennonite was no good and just wanted money.

I was in Vancouver in 2002 and I stopped drinking and got my life together.

Then came a small time television actress that destroyed me by the name of Elizabeth Gracen.

Gracen stole so much money from my late daughters charity and myself and left me to die on the streets of Paris.

We decided to live in Paris and I found this wonderful old triplex on Saint Louis Island in Paris that was stuck in the 1950's restoring it would have been a labor of love.

Gracen is from Arkansas and generalizing women from Arkansas do not buy apartments in Paris they buy buckets of chicken and 6 packs for crackers called Billy-Bob.

I wanted Gracen to feel it was " Our" apartment and not " My" apartment.

I sent Gracen to LA to sell a television show I penned it was crap but crap sells in LA and 75 percent of those monies were to fund my late daughters charity I wanted her name to live on in deeds and actions.

Gracen sold my show kept everything and left me to die upon the streets of Paris, that was 23 years ago.

23 years I have failed to recover funds nobody wants to know as soon as they find out who is protecting this woman.

If anybody thinks what I am going to say now is akin to an old Kirsty McCall song.

" There's A Guy That Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis"

Well all you need to confirm what I am saying is Google.

Gracen first shared a bed with Bill Clinton to obtain a Miss Arkansas Crown that is well documented from many sources.

I have no idea why Clinton is protecting Gracen from prosecution it was sexual but Gracen is an old woman now and gerontophilia is Macron's thing not Clinton's.

For 23 years all I have found are people that do not want to get involved after hearing the name Clinton.

A few days away from being 61 I cannot take any more pain and suffering.

A French sociopath destroyed my last humanity, I WANT to go to sleep and never wake up but I NEED to see the woman that destroyed me go to jail.

I cannot take any more pain and suffering.

I will never hear a child say dad and I will never know love it is too late for that a few days away from 61.

I just want to nail the door closed and never be seen again.

I need to go and get my money back to make that happen.

I want to try and finish a book I started in 1997 I doubt I can I expect trying to finish my book means throwing balls of paper at the cat and kvetching at the cat but I want to try.

I want to nail the door closed I know something that nobody should know and that is there are more bad people than good people within this world.

I have lived it day in day out since November 8th 2002.

The straw that broke the camels back was a French sociopath that spent 13 months ripping me apart until there was nothing left.

I sent him 3 emails over the last few days imploring him to do the right thing, imploring him to look into his heart and treat me like a human being.

However I knew I had failed before I started but I ached to be wrong.

I am so utterly disgusted with France.

France has abused and violated me on and off for 23 years.

Every time I returned I thought surely somebody in France will feel some guilt and shame and try and make things right with me, nobody ever did.

Even now France will not pay me the 4.5 years welfare I am owed as strings have been pulled.

I spent Christmas in such a horrible town where not a soul could even say Happy Christmas, care for a coffee.

It sticks in my craw that France abused and violated me for so many years as she gave everything to a man that murdered a school teacher called Samuel Paty.

France as a nation is a " Failed State" in the spiritual sense a nation lacking in values and compassion.

All I want is what I am owed I would not want France's " Blood Money" even if offered.

I wanted to be treated like a human being by France and now it is too late for that.

Just take today I emailed over 80 people in the mayors office in Paris and not one of them has any goodness or humanity within their heart.

I never murdered a school teacher I am a broken down old man but I treat everybody the right way.

All I ever wanted from France was to be treated like a human being and 21 years later not a single person today in the mayors office could treat me like a human being.

France's cruelty and depravity sticks in my craw as she gave everything to a man that murdered a school teacher and abused and violated me.

I have had no sense of purpose for so many years.

Even if I had a horrible job such as cleaning toilets I would have had a sense of purpose, I could have ate without jumping through hoops constructed by a French sociopath.

For so many years in effect all I have is lower brain function, it gets dark I try and sleep it gets light I wake up when my bowels are full I defecate.

I am alive in the clinical sense but I have been dead in the spiritual sense since November 8th 2002 due to Elizabeth Gracen.

I can only hope that somebody will help me.

If they do I will spend a few days sleeping and listening to Bach kind of thing and try and get on an even keel in the spiritual sense and then go and get my money back.

I need money for travel, once I recovered funds I would buy a place in Italy I have my eye on and never be seen again.

I want no part of this world as this world has wanted no part of me for 23 years,

A woman from Idaho with millions would not even give me a sandwich as I cried my eyes out on the streets of Paris, that is the world we live in greed and vulgarity I want no part of it.

I just want to nail the door closed and try and enjoy what little time I have left at 61.

If anybody helps me I would like to invite them to come and say hello once I recover funds.

I would like to share a coffee with the rarest of the rare somebody with kindness within their heart.

In closing if anybody is wondering why I am using 2 names Jon is my legal adoptive name and Chris is my birth name who I am in my heart.

I explain everything on my website chrishepburn.com

I do go on and on and on it is my only outlet it is my only release.

Your water heater has a release valve I do not have a release valve.

I am a broken down old man stuck in a disgraceful country that has abused and violated me for so long and the woman I thought I would grow old with is spending monies that belonged to my late daughters charity and I.

I am wound up like a corkscrew.

Also some people may be offended by the language on my website I can express myself without getting " Hubert Selby"

However I am seething in utter disgust and at time that manifests itself in gutter language.

If that offends you I am truly sorry.

I am a broken down old man in an utterly disgraceful country that lacks morality, compassion and integrity.

I just want to try and enjoy what little time I have left.

Thank You for reading this, I can only hope somebody will help.

For what it is worth if I do recover funds 75 percent will go to helping others.

Morally those monies were never mine they belonged to my late daughters charity.