The Gift of Financial Provision

Good afternoon Loved Ones!

Though I have not been on this site in a while, I wanted to remember those of you who do not have/have not yet friended me on Facebook. My blog is up and running and you can now get updates without going through facebook or this site. My goal is to try to post there at least once a week, though I am sometimes finding that hard with 2 toddlers!

Check it out when you have a minute.
www.tonyatransformed.org

We are hanging in there. Getting the boys ready for Halloween and all the fun holiday festivities to come after. Conlin, in his infinite wisdom, dictated how we were all going to dress. He is a giraffe; Nolen a Lion; I am a butterfly and Kevin is an Ant....still trying to figure out that costume!

Your continued thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated as I try to find answers concerning my tumor and how, if possible, to stop or slow it's progression. Unfortunately, the holistic therapies I have researched this summer don't seem to be providing much hope.....but I plan to keep looking. We also need continued prayer as we dig ourselves out of financial disaster. The Crown Financial Course at our church couldn't have come at a better time. Please pray that we will be diligent in applying it's principles and unified as we deal with the very dividing monster of money.

God bless you all. In Him, Tonya

I just read all of your comments and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for hanging in there with me this summer, sans thank you notes and all! I wish that I never had to sleep and I could reply to each and every one of you but I am working (it is a real exercise for me) to take better care of myself and "sleeping" is at the top of my "To Do" List! Please friend me on Facebook if you have not already because I want (and need, please) the encouragement and prayers to keep on comin'! At my meeting tonight, the topics of "asking others for help" and "giving up control" were posed. A very wise man said that he had been coming to meetings for years, often withholding what he felt called to share because it might seem trivial, "sound dumb" or because he thought "no one else would understand." He said he had finally learned that his thought process all boiled down to PRIDE. "Who was he to say what would impact someone else or what may or may not be meaningful? And who was he to WITHHOLD something that might potentially HELP somebody else?!?!" The next man who spoke, another old-timer, said he has realized that nothing in this life is inconsequential. He chuckled and said, "Well, it may not mean anything TO YOU, but it sure does mean somthing to me." I just sat there in my chair, smile from ear-to-ear because I knew EXACTLY what he meant! Every song that comes on the radio, every prayer that is spoken over me, every piece of scripture that someone emails me, each 5 & 10 dollar donation (yes, someone donated five dollars and that literally made me cry more than any of the larger donations because I know they likely needed that $5 more than I did but they gave it in faith anyway!), every word of encouragement......these things are making up the fabric of MY LIFE and they mean EVERYTHING TO ME! You will never know! With gratitude and humility, Tonya

One day, I hope to share all of the summer's events with you in detail, but for now I will just leave it at WOW! I still can't even read and write very well as I come off the fog of the drugs so it has been hard for me to post the last 3 months but I sit here now typing with tear-filled eyes, Bible out, letting the words of Christian music fill my house (and my heart and my mind!) from my iPod and I know EXACTLY why this tumor-“Justine”-came into my life! For example, the song playing RIGHT NOW is saying (“Strong Enough” by Matthew West in bold-my words in red italics):
“You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through”
(Diagnosis of a Brain Tumor on May 24th, 2011 at the age of 32 years old with Kevin (my wonderful Husband), my babies (Conlin-3 & Nolen-2), THE WEEKEND we were planning to move out of our house to place it on the market for sale- ALSO THE SAME WEEKEND I launched my business at my first ever public craft show ….OH, OH, OH, ALSO COINCIDENTALLY THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL WHEN MY KIDS ARE GOING TO BE OUT FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMER!!!! REALLY GOD, REALLY? Is this a joke? No, no seriously, where are the hidden cameras!?!?!?)

“Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own”
(That was the middle of my summer-when I allowed the chaos and fear around me to infest my thinking and shake my faith with doubt.)

“I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us”
(For those of you who don’t know me, I haven’t always been this “embrace-the-Holy Spirit, let-Him-move-you, throw-all-caution-to-the-wind” kind of person you are seeing today. I can now look at myself and say with raw honesty that, before this tumor and really before I got sober on March 7th-can I get 3 cheers for sober living?-I cared WAY TOO MUCH what all you people thought about me to raise my arms up to the Lord during worship, to fall to me knees to pray in public, to be adamant about what I believed in the face of someone questioning my belief in Jesus Christ as the only way to the Father……but this experience has literally weakened my knees in a way that I couldn’t help but fall to Him in prayer because there was nothing else left for me to do…my arms just found themselves in the air above my head and I wasn’t sure how they got there because I was grasping for help from anywhere. I had completely lost control of my body…….I will come back to this later but I want to make this point clear before moving on: FEAR OF LOSS OF CONTROL is what had been crippling my life, my body, my soul FOR YEARS and I was absolutely paralyzed by it….)

“Well maybe, maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom
Well that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out”

(All I can say about this lyric is that it is THE ANSWER: The absolute truth of the Lord our God spoken through Matthew West-AMEN and ‘nuf said! It is only in our ABSOLUTE brokenness that we finally “LET GO & LET GOD”)

“I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us”
(Here was Rock Bottom-more begging, totally broken, on a doctor-induced pharmaceutical drug trip locked in my bathroom crying, DEMANDING that He hear me and answer me pleas for Mercy and Healing! I REALLY could not take it anymore. I had been, and am still to some degree, suffering from auditory and visual hallucinations, heightened sense of hearing, inability to read, write, think, feed my kids or myself-just meet the basic gosh darn needs of my family that a woman needs to meet-can you tell, I’m trying to be nice, but I’M REALLY FREAKIN’ MAD AND NEED A POSTITIVE PLACE TO CHANNEL THIS ANGER-I do have a plan for that…just wait….  )

“‘Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God
And You are strong when I am weak
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be strong enough
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough, strong enough
Oh yeah”
I have come full circle. Right back into the arms of my Abba Daddy where I started. Why? Not because of anything I did but because of WHO HE IS!!!! I started the summer with my feet planted firmly on solid ground, roots grown DEEP into a solid foundation of HIS PERFECT LOVE, PEACE AND PROMISE to me; but please hear me on this--HIS PROMISE IS AVAILABLE TO ANYONE WHO ASKS FOR IT…
THAT INCLUDES YOU!!!! ISN’T THAT FANTASTIC NEWS?!?!?
I couldn’t orchestrate this life better if I tried! (Check out the new FB pic. Now-imagine me, in my cowboy boots, stomping my right foot and slapping my knee in sheer and utter joy…because that is how I have been walking around here the last few days! God is so perfect in His faithfulness! I just can’t stinkin’ stand it sometimes!) By the way since Caitlin did post the picture of it yesterday I guess now is the time to tell you all, the picture of the tattoo on the back of my head IS REAL!!!!! Yes, take a moment to soak that in……I am still shocked myself, not at the tattoo because if you recall-I received the vision to get one the day after my diagnosis. What amazes me is that I actually when out and did it at the height of the insanity around here-because I was still so sure in my heart that God was calling me to do it-the week BEFORE I went to Duke and the miracles converged in my life in such a way that God and His faithfulness to heal me were absolutely undeniable!! HE HAD ME ENSCRIBE “THANK YOU” ON MY OWN HEAD IN PERMENANT INK-TALK ABOUT A COMPLETE ABANDON OF WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS OF ME!!!-and as it is healing, I get an answer to EVERY prayer I have prayed this summer and all of the sudden I am so overcome with JOY I am ABSOLUTELY BESIDE MYSELF!!

There is too much to say in one post of course and I am so blessed to have people that can sum up my life with much more brevity that I ever manage to muster! PLEASE see Caitlin’s latest post!!! I just saw her husband for acupuncture yesterday and in my brief conversation with her in the waiting room and 2 snaps of her camera in their parking lot, she was able to capture the essence of my soul in such a way that is even a mystery to me! http://www.healthytippingpoint.com/2011/09/on-the-other-side.html (only one minor correction and I know Caitlin would never intentionally misrepresent anything but-the doctors definitely did NOT clear me for a tattoo and in fact, they were very opposed, along with the rest of my family. Actually, it was my sweet nanny Lyndsie who had to bear the squeeze of my hand for 2 hours as I grit my teeth and took the pain !)

I will close with this verse sent to me from a dear friend (you know who you are-at such a CRITICAL time for my soul the week of Nolen’s birthday party) from The Word of God-The Alpha and The Omega-The Beginning and The End-The Most High-The Everlasting God-The place you can find the answer to every question you could possibly have…someone this summer likened The Bible to people as an “Owner’s Manual” is to a car. I like that…a lot. This “vehicle” I’m sitin’ in isn’t much use to me at all IF I NEVER OPEN THE MANUAL AND LEARN HOW TO TURN THE IGNITION ON!!!
“This is what the Lord says:
I HAVE HEARD YOUR PRAYER AND SEEN YOUR TEARS: I WILL HEAL YOU.”
*2 Kings 20:5*
If you know the doxology as a hymn, please stop, slow down and take the time to sing it along with me here-----
*Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all Creatures Here B