<div><strong>My Name is Emma, born Keira Williams, and I am a queer survivor of multiple forms of abuse.</strong>
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<div><strong>Due to current events, namely The Epstn Files, Trmp’s attack on the poor and disabled, and the complications of Multimorbid/Comorbid Conditions, Chronic Pain/Autoimmune Conditions + CPTSD, my recovery has taken more time than I can afford.</strong> I have to find somewhere safe to move soon, as I won’t feel safe as long as I have to live with someone. It would mean the world to me to be able to have the safety of being as prepared as I reasonably can be this time, especially with the cost of moving alone, let alone any sort of deposit and application fee. Hopefully I won’t have to move again for a very long time.
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<div><strong>I've truly put all I can into surviving this long.</strong>
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<div><strong>I'm looking to make enough for moving expenses, multiple months of rent saved, a medical bill fund, an emergency fund and any extra for basic living expenses; medication, necessities, groceries, and transportation. Ideally, I'd like to make enough for some rest time as well.</strong>
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<div>I’ve needed a miracle for ten years, and maybe my whole life if I’m to be honest. I’ve gotten so close to stability and rest only for health, rent, taxes and bills to whittle me down to nothing again. I’ve had amazing support over the years but <strong>this just isn’t going to get better gradually</strong>. I’ve tried as hard as I can to pull myself out of this situation only to burn out my mind and body – I physically cannot work anymore.
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<div><strong><em>My body is wrecked and my mind is mush from trying to function through compounded traumas and absolutely no space or time to do anything about it which has led to more and more issues.</em></strong>
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<div>I know a lot of you are dealing with your own struggles - please bear with me.
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<div><strong>Graves Disease and Gastroparesis – Physical Hurdles</strong>
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<div>Over the last <strong>ten years</strong> I've developed <strong>Graves Disease</strong>, which is an immune system condition that affects the thyroid gland. The immune system that typically targets viruses, bacteria and other foreign substances changes and suddenly targets the thyroid via an antibody that attacks a part of the thyroid cells. My thyroid has been destroyed by this and procedures to abate this problem. It’s as if the immune system gets confused and attacks itself, like other conditions with similar causes.
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<div>It affects many organs in the body, including my eyes and digestive system, and can occur in anyone of any age. An example of an average day is waking up sick enough to puke out my guts before I could even have a sip of water. I spend at least an hour every morning just trying to get through expelling what I barely have in my stomach. One of my biggest struggles is that I am extremely food repulsed where I get nauseous just thinking about having to eat, especially knowing that my body will not keep it down in most situations, but I still have to force myself to eat something just so I can take the medication I desperately need to survive. This requires me to self medicate with hemp so the nausea can dissipate just enough so I can stomach something decent.
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<div>Getting up from my bed or chair is extremely taxing on my body and it takes so much effort to stand, even to just go to the bathroom. The unfortunate part is that Graves makes it so that I have bladder and gastro-intestinal problems that forces me to run to the bathroom several times in an hour, which of course exacerbates my pain and fatigue. Sometimes I randomly get sick, even if I haven’t eaten anything, which forces me to race to the bathroom or to a trashcan the moment the nausea hits. I can barely leave my room without being weary about my stomach’s machinations.
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<div><strong>Other Physical Struggles</strong>
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<div>In addition to Graves, I lost my athleticism and active hobbies to a condition that <strong>atrophied my muscle in the span of a week</strong> and I still don't have a name for it. My muscles have not recovered and I can no longer retain newly built muscle, no matter diet change, physical therapy or exercise. Within the same year I started getting sick, I split up with my partner right in the middle of a joint move, lost my savings to keep my mom’s van from being totaled (which was the only place both she and I could afford to live in), ended up homeless and barely medicated without a thyroid.
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<div>Homelessness of course came with its own struggles as living in a van does not allow for proper ventilation, privacy or basic needs met, although it was a barrier between us and the streets. During that time I was forced to make art that triggered my sexual abuse trauma, though it was the only thing keeping the van up and running, and yet, it only compounded my PTSD. The only saving grace of that time is that my dear cat Holly was able to provide me with some needed support, though having her litter box off-gassing in such a small space did not help with my medical symptoms. She is one of the few reasons I am still here.
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<div>During and after the years I was homeless I developed <strong>Fibromyalgia, Gastroparesis, and Anemia</strong>, fighting through compounding new traumas from what I was actively experiencing that I now have to manage along with a history of childhood sexual and reproductive abuse, as well as brainwashing.
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<div><strong>Childhood Struggles: Content Warning - Suicide, grooming, CSA, Reproductive abuse, Child abuse</strong>
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<div>Due to the constant instability that has been my adult life; I have never had the time to recover from my childhood and teen years. It is causing severe enough damage still that I am desperate for real rest to actually deal with this. This is an appeal for rest as well as stability.
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<div>I was first raped by a baby sitter's son when I was a toddler; my step mother tried to call it out and was accused of being dramatic so, seemingly, she stopped protecting me. From then on, not only did she turn a blind eye to the emotional and physical abuse, she also joined in on a few occasions. I was groomed and abused actively by multiple men starting at 7 going on until I was 15. I was made to apologize to adult men for making them "uncomfortable", and instead of being protected; they looked the other way when men were alone with me. They got mad at me when Benadryl started causing me panic attacks, instead of trying to understand what was happening to me medically. I was laughed at by my father for not attempting Suicide, and I quote, ‘correctly like his coworker’s daughter’.
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<div>I had my privacy revoked, forced to get dressed in the living room with the threat that if my brother woke up and saw me dressing I would be punished. I was also not allowed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night because the sound of the toilet flushing might ‘wake up my brother or them’ and ‘I should have done that before bed’. I had constant UTI because of this form of abuse and was forced to grin and bear it so I could maintain their idea of the ideal child with no issues, especially in comparison to my brother who did not have such symptoms. There were many times I was not allowed to sleep in my room because of some sort of perceived slight, and yet, somehow I was supposed to keep to myself while being in view of everyone in the household.
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<div>I was kept up through the night while they tried to get me to confess to things I hadn't done (smoking weed; stealing a dime out of his truck, which was actually his coworker; getting pregnant; taking other people’s clothes; etc). When I was exhausted I would just tell them what they wanted to hear so I would be left alone, only for them to get mad that I ‘lied to them’ for telling them what they wanted even though they wouldn’t believe the truth. I was called a slut for showing interest in sex or boys my age (which is normal for children going through puberty), an attention whore when I was in pain (especially if it was 'female' related, i.e. cramping, bloating, migraines, digestive issues), a master manipulator (clear signs of neurodivergence that was assumed to be malice) and whatever happened to me was always part of my grand design in his head.
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<div>When pregnancy became a concern, as I was in the throes of puberty, they told me it didn't matter if I was raped and likely to die because I was so small. And no matter what happened to me (death, illness, or otherwise from a bad pregnancy) ‘god wanted my son to be born’, and they would make sure at least my son would be alive even if I was dead and gone. <strong> Now I’ll never be able to have a child by my own choice, especially after such intense abuse. </strong>I do not have and will never have the resources and stability, without significant help, to adopt like I want so badly.
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<div>The last time I spoke to my father he confessed to almost murdering my mother, framed as if it was her fault, and I should be proud of him for not taking away the life of the only real parent I have, who is also a victim of him.
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<div>This is not an exhaustive list of every single traumatizing event as it is traumatizing alone to have to relive it, just to explain how I had been failed at every instance as a child.
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<div><strong>In Conclusion – Thank You For Reading This</strong>
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<div>I deserve more than to be re-traumatized every day with the way the world treats survivors, AFAB (assigned female at birth) folks, and is becoming increasingly hostile to those of us who can’t have or don’t want to have kids.
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<div><strong>There is something so uniquely mind-fucking about being a woman who wants kids but can’t due to sexual violence - all while being surrounded by rhetoric insisting you’re selfish for not fucking lonely men and having their kids. </strong>
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<div>This is killing me.
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<div>My whole life feels like one long sexual violation and I just can’t do it alone anymore. I have worked hard, given so much of myself that I can't catch up and it’s clear the longer I do this the worse my health gets. With The Files that have come out, I hope it’s clear that<strong> the system has always worked against us but especially if you have no real support or resources.</strong>
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<div>For most people living alone is a luxury, <strong>ESPECIALLY</strong> right now. Unfortunately through my lifetime I have been made well aware that as nice as I am, my trauma is too much for people to put up with. Even if its two bad <strong>PMDD</strong> spells in over a year, I cannot live with people who cannot understand the pain of <strong>long term sexual abuse</strong>. For most of my life I've said that I can’t have roommates because my trauma would impact their lives, but I've started realizing I also have to acknowledge the effort I make and the lack of control I have over these types of conditions. I ALSO deserve to feel like a person, and if I am constantly being trivialized by people who are more uncomfortable with what I've been through than I am, how do I take myself seriously enough to actually heal? I'm the one who's kept me alive all this time; I know how capable I am. Living alone works for me and my health and my healing. <strong>Unfortunately I need support in the middle of 2026 with a body that can’t stand, pukes and passes out too often for a 9 to 5.</strong>
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<div>There is a lot I’d like to do. I want to grow a community, share resources, volunteer and be a part of the healing of this world. I've spent my whole life in fear of the way I was treated; like an incubator, like I and my needs were inconsequential as long as everyone else got what they wanted out of me. I will fight the rest of my life to be an advocate for people who have been tortured the way I was and unfortunately worse.
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<div><strong>I want to use what I have been through to be a comfort and kindness and safety for someone else.</strong>
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<div>I am extremely limited as I am currently, but I believe<strong> with enough help I CAN be and feel like a person again.</strong> Please help<strong> if you can safely do so</strong>. I want to help break the spell and build a safer world for the future. I can’t do this on my own and the more I try the further I run myself into the grave. Please help me have the opportunity to leave something good behind.
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<div>I still have fight in me, but I desperately need the support.
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Anonymous

Amanda Reeves

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Long term SA has left me broken, in need of stability

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Long term SA has left me broken, in need of stability

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