In loving memory of sweet baby Bodhi

*****UPDATE***** Words are insufficient to describe how we feel at this time. On Wednesday January 30th at 6:55pm after a beautiful and peaceful 3 1/2 hour labor; surrounded by the love of my sweet big boys and my wonderful supportive husband, I gave birth to Bodhi. He was perfect in every way but he never took his first breath. We gave him every effort possible to encourage him to breathe but he was already at peace with our Creator. Our hearts are aching but we very much appreciate the loving support coming from our friends and family. We will have a viewing Wednesday from 3pm-7pm with a service to follow. We greatly appreciate any financial support for our family during this difficult time. Funds will go towards creating a beautiful headstone and garden to create a beautiful resting place for Bodhi. "It takes a village to raise a child" - African Proverb In this modern day and age our "village" looks very different than it once did. Our families are spread out across the country. Our connection to our neighbors is distant in many cases. Often, as is the case for me, our proximity to neighbors is even quite distant. There are very few families living nearby and even less who share a similar mindset and lifestyle to my family. For many people in this modern society our "village" is largely found online. This is NOT a judgement, simply a recognition that for many, myself included, we find our community of people that we love and/or connect with online. That is because they are available to us online when they cannot be there physically. I am reaching out to you, my village, hoping that you will support me and my little family as we prepare to grow again in January or February of 2019.  For those who don't know my story, as it relates to birth that is, I am a mother of two beautiful boys who are 3 and 4 years old. I am a Registered Nurse and when I found out I was pregnant with my first baby I was dealing with a lot of distrust in the way the "western medical" system was working. I had worked at the bedside for about 5 years and in that time I had become CERTAIN that I did NOT want to be a patient in one of those beds under any circumstances. I was a nurse with a fear of hospitals... kinda funny looking back at it. My fears were related both to personal trauma from several recent deaths in the family as well as to professional trauma from experiences that I walked through with patients and their families at the bedside.  Given this fear I was determined to find another option besides giving birth in the hospital. I was blessed to find a wonderful midwife nearby who guided me in having a beautiful prenatal and birthing experience. Most of my visits were at home. I gave birth singing, laughing and talking to my baby while I floated weightlessly (and I was far from weightless, lol) in a birthing pool in the privacy of my own living room. It was peaceful and magical. My midwife and a doula/student midwife were in attendance for the last couple of hours before the baby arrived and they left after a few hours. They checked on me, in home, a few times the first week or two and provided placental encapsulation. I truly believe placental encapsulation is an incredibly beneficial postpartum supplement. It returns all the nutrients I was providing for my baby back into my body to replenish me from the loss at birth. Admittedly I cannot compare it to a birth without it, but I definitely noticed if I went days without it. And on days I was feeling low, I would take two and my energy and mood would boost right away.  To make a long story short the whole experience was a huge success in my opinion. I enjoyed every minute of it and could not wait to do it again!!! SO, we didn't wait. Giovanni was only 3 months old when we found out we were expecting Leonardo. I was thrilled and just a bit overwhelmed because I was still breastfeeding an infant and learning how to be a mommy. I was able to breastfeed for about 10 months before the physical demands of being pregnant and working full time caused me to lose my supply.  I had not even returned to work yet when I became pregnant with Leonardo... so financially speaking we had seen better days. We were living off or Short Term Disability and maternity leave with little to nothing in our savings account.  As much as I had LOVED my midwife and my whole experience from my first birth, her care was NOT covered by insurance and so I had to pay out of pocket for the whole process which was over $3000. Finding out I was pregnant again while I was feeling financially stressed lead me to make a decision out of fear to go looking for a midwife who would be covered by my insurance for this next birth. At the time it did not seem like THAT big of a decision. I was still going to be cared for by a midwife. BUT I HAD to give birth IN A HOSPITAL!!! I didn't like the thought of it at all and I stressed out about it throughout the whole pregnancy, BUT I assured myself it would be OK and that it was best for our family financially so we just HAD to do it. This time around ALL of my visits were in an office, just like a regular doctors office, cold, sterile, uncomfortable, full of strangers, etc. I got to weigh myself in the "privacy" of a huge entrance hallway and leave my pee on the toilet next to other strangers pee... GROSS. I saw a different care provider almost every visit and developed ZERO sense of trust with the team. The entire experience was far less than pleasant. When it came down to the day of the birth I was quite determined to have another water birth. The first time around it was so easy and calm. I knew that I could keep it calm and just push him out without making a big scene. THIS was my plan, it failed! The hospital I gave birth at allowed for LABORING in the birthing tub but NOT for BIRTHING in the birthing tub. (I'm not even going to get into the details and argument related to that here.) So, as I was getting VERY close to giving birth I was still floating comfortably in the birthing tub. In my recollection I could feel the baby's head between my legs when it became obvious to the hospital staff that I was about to give birth and they FORCED me out of the tub. What I mean is that I was pulled by arms and legs out of the tub and flopped onto the floor of the hospital just outside the tub. It was hard and cold but I did not care, I was this close to having this baby out so I looked up and told the staff that I was going to give birth right there on the floor. They did not like that idea either so several people pulled me from the ground onto the hospital bed that I would end up giving birth in. I honestly cannot even recall how many people were in the room at this point in time and I recognized NO ONE besides my husband. I felt completely OUT of control. I was stressed out and was forced into an uncomfortable position on my back (every L&D's favorite) and again felt that I could not even recognize who was in the room. I felt unsafe and violated. The birth took quite a bit longer at this point because of how uncomfortable and fearful I was at this point. I vividly remember yelling at the hospital staff to get there hands out of me. I felt my clearly stated wishes about the birth plan were completely ignored. Immediately after giving birth I was given the baby for just a few moments then the hospital staff encouraged daddy to take the baby from me to be weighed and dressed. Because my hormones were SO disturbed and my baby was not in my arms skin to skin with me after birth I was told I needed a shot of Pitocin to prevent hemorrhage. I adamantly refused and demanded that my baby be brought to me and allowed to nurse to prevent hemorrhage. I could go on and on describing the ways that this birth was not my idea of perfect but I hate to harp on a dead horse. The thing I learned from that birth experience was that I should have listened to my intuition all along. I should have known that I did not feel comfortable with a hospital birth and I should have looked for another option.  When I returned home after birthing Leonardo I had ZERO extra sick leave or PTO from work because I had just had Giovanni and I had used all of my sick time in my return to work transition. I knew that my time home with Leonardo would not be nearly as long as it had been with Giovanni and that disappointed me. I did the best I could with the time I had. We breastfed for only about 6-8 weeks in total because financially I was forced to return to work only 4 weeks after giving birth. At that time I was still working at the bedside for 12 hour shifts that most of the time did not allow for sufficient breaks to pump my milk to keep up my supply. Not being able to provide breast milk for my son as I had always anticipated doing left me feeling like a total failure as a mother. Going to the store at all hours of the night to buy my 6 month old baby an alternative to my milk and spending WAY too much money on it also left me feeling like a failure as a mother. Our relationship suffered as a result of the lack of connection that is provided for both him and I during breastfeeding. I knew that if I was ever blessed with another child I would do whatever it takes to stay at home with my baby. I would do whatever it takes to breastfeed for as long as the baby wants. I was honestly pretty committed to doing EVERYTHING differently next time. So... In preparation for the birth of Bodhi I have chosen to take a new and adventurous path. I plan to birth Bodhi in the comfort and tranquility of our own home surrounded by my husband and our two beautiful boys. Bodhi has already taught me the importance of connecting with Mother Nature and exploring the incredible healing benefits that she offers. In light of that these funds will go towards a birth and postpartum doula who will assist me in finding natural and herbal support for birth and the days and weeks following birth.  I plan to use the funds specifically for doula support during and after the birth process, placental encapsulation, herbal teas, tinctures and sitz baths to support pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and beyond, Bengkung belly binding after birth, and healthy foods to nourish mommy and baby after birth.  This will be baby boy #3 so we do not need a lot of the traditional baby shower gifts but would MUCH prefer the loving support go towards providing for a positive and supported birth experience and postpartum period. I am searching for my village. A group of like minded supportive friends. We are in need of the support of our village at this time because my job does not have  ANY Short Term Disability benefits to allow me paid time off for maternity leave! What this means is that without financial support from my village I will have to return to work only 2 weeks after baby Bodhi is born. Any new mommy knows that 2 weeks is nowhere near enough time to recover from birth and to connect with your new baby before returning to normal life. Please know that your support will allow Bodhi to bond and connect with mommy and family before I am forced to return to work.  Thank you in advance for your generosity!!