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Doktorz 4 Sternodox

$4,835 of $4,000 goal

Raised by 67 people in 5 months
Our friend Sterno is in EXTREMELY DIRE STRAITS. He's been fighting some chronic health issues for years but they have recently QUADRUPLED. Long story short, he currently can't walk or drive, or work, due to a serious nerve/spinal problem that is awaiting diagnosis. His right leg can't be trusted at all; he suddenly loses all contact with it and falls. So, he's CRAWLING a lot. Needs a wheelchair just for starters. The other leg has sciatica very badly, which causes chronic, unending, excruciating pain.

He is also awaiting a biopsy on a mass found in his kidney -- and he has already been fighting horrendous kidney stones for years.  The waiting for that and upcoming neurological tests is driving him crazy.

He has been to the Emergency Room FOUR TIMES in the last couple of months, in desperation. They give him Tylenol and tell him to get more tests.

He is covered by the V.A., but they're underfunded and shoddy, and have practically banned decent painkillers, and there are still plenty of costs. Just getting to and from the hospitals is a big problem. He has family, but they're strapped too. 

On top of all this, his fiancé has been deported to Mexico and is helpless to help him. In Mexico, she is a LAWYER, but that does no good here, even if she could get back. If they get married she can return but it'll still cost a lot in legal fees -- thousands -- to undo the deportation. Sterno wants to move to Mexico but right now he basically can't... MOVE, period. (And in Mexico the V.A. coverage would be lost.) 

Get this: in the course of dealing with Immigration, he was told by a redneck immigration officer, in these exact words: "I'm not gonna let your girlfriend back into this country because frankly, I don't like Mexicans."

This is a mere SAMPLING of the kind of crap and bad luck our old pal is dealing with.

I could say this money will be spent on medical bills, or taxis to medical clinics, or lawyers, but either way it's probably going to be a drop in the bucket. He has savings, which he needs to SAVE. He has a house, which he needs to sell, but it needs lots of repairs, and he can't do them himself now. Suffice it to say: HE NEEDS MONEY!

We all need money. But we can WALK. We can DRIVE. We're not being BIOPSIED. We aren't suffering chronic, never-ending, SEVERE PAIN.

More than money, of course, he needs SLACK.

What he HAS, is FRIENDS. And now is the time for his friends to let him know we remember all the gut-blowout laughs and rockin' times he has given us. Half the funniest stuff in Church of the SubGenius, the REALLY REALLY sick and funny stuff, came from Pope Sternodox! The band DOKTORZ 4 "BOB," for Dobbs' sake! He's been a huge part of the Little Rock music and arts scene his whole life too. We can't let him just sit in his house (which is way out in the country, with no bus service) wondering if there's ANY HOPE AT ALL. THERE IS! It's US!

And if you're totally broke, call him! Send a letter! Text some good vibes his way and maybe some extra hate vibes too! Hate for the Conspiracy, that is. 'Cause the problems that plague his mind the most aren't caused by just the horrible random SERIOUS HEALTH PROBLEMS, they really are caused by what we call The Conspiracy -- the conspiracy of the Normals. He needs to be with his fiance by hook or by crook, and it's truly the Conspiracy of the Stupid, Fearful, Ignorant, Racist NORMALS that's keeping them apart. And gutting the V.A. And screwing us all. Hell, they're even screwing THEMSELVES! There must be a balance -- fight the Con by helping Sterno!

We were originally going to keep this among personal friends and not put it on Facebook, partly because we figured he didn't want to be pestered by strangers, but as he pointed out, he's not on Facebook at all! So we now encourage any kind of utter stranger to kick in. In fact, the stranger the better!

Let There Be Slack.
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STERNO FUNDRAISER UPDATE

Oh, how I wish I could say that things have improved for our old buddy Sterno.

I know a lot of people who can make me laugh. For 35 years, Sterno has made me laugh harder than just about anybody. He brought the most extreme and confrontational humor to the Book of the SubGenius and our stage shows. He brought us Head Launching, Prairie Squid, “OR KILL ME,” and a certain rare species of bat. But he is not feeling so funny right now.

In early May he underwent an operation to remove a portion of his right kidney that had a suspicious mass on it. It did indeed turn out to be cancer. The doctors are optimistic that they got it all. But that operation involved carving way deep into Sterno’s mighty torso to get to that kidney — including the sawing-off of an entire rib. I’ve seen a photo of what he calls “the Frankenstein landscape that is my right side.”

Part of his recovery involves walking, carefully. He has to walk EXTRA carefully, too, because he still has that serious problem with his right leg collapsing on him unexpectedly. But worse, ANY movement HURTS. He says that just lying completely still gives him a Pain Level of maybe 6 but actually MOVING at all, like changing position in bed, runs it up to a 9.9. Sure, they gave him pain meds — SCANT pain meds that aren’t really up to the task.

Just a cough or a sneeze sends him into paroxysms of pain. And how do you not cough or sneeze?

It hurts to SIT. Just to sit! So, sitting in his living room watching weird movies or listening to music doesn’t work. He can’t sleep well. He also can’t safely shower or change his dressings himself due to the nerve problem in his leg as well as the excruciating pain of moving at all. He’s got help from friends and daughters, but they need Slack too.

Here’s the problem that the rest of us can help with: PAYING HIS BILLS. This has the even more important effect of making him feel LESS HOPELESS. He was originally told “You’ll be off your feet for awhile.” But it’s obvious that he’ll be missing weeks of work. Like many of us, he has a mortgage to pay, a car, utilities; then consider the extra expenses of dealing with his condition.

But it’s all he can do to NOT MOVE MUCH for now. For WEEKS probably. And NOT with the GOOD PILLS. Thanks to all the painkiller addicts, people who really need them can’t get them.

And he still awaits test to find out why he couldn’t WALK dependably even before this kidney thing. He still has THAT to deal with, and it probably involves spinal nerves.

And then there’s the deportation of his fiance, just for being Mexican and a lawyer.

And then there’s all the OTHER crap that you don’t want to know about, but he HAS TO!

There IS an end to it; Sterno’s Frankenstein right side will heal up, and he’ll get an answer on his crippling leg condition, and he’ll be reunited with his fiance, but he may be in debtor’s prison by then if we don’t keep helping him out with our meager but hopefully frequent small contributions. If you gave him $20 before, he knows it and thanks you! If you do it again, he’ll REALLY know it and REALLY thank you once he can get back to typing or talking on a phone without breaking down in tears.

If you have a GREAT BIG contribution, this would be a good time for that. (We don’t expect many of those.)

I wish I could be funnier in this little rant, but it’s just not funny. Being a large mammal is usually a wonderful privilege that people take for granted, but when health and Slack get compromised, being a large mammal can get rough. Real rough.
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$4,835 of $4,000 goal

Raised by 67 people in 5 months
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