Help This Brave Gentrifier Family!!
$4,848 of $730,000 goal
Like many of you, I spit out my canapé in shock whilst reading the tragic story of the Humprheys-Jheon family in Toronto Life. These pioneering spirits just wanted what any of us deserve - a three-storey detached home on a corner lot in a rapidly-gentrifying neighbourhood like Parkdale.
With growing horror, I read how they had to sell their existing home for merely $635,000 to secure their new home, only to find out that poor people were still living in it!!! If you, like me, cannot imagine the hard work it would take to make the people that used to live there homeless, much less to get the poor-people smell out (reportedly "the sour stink of cat piss" and a "sweet burnt-plastic" odour - possibly of drugs!) rest assured that the article spares no detail of the people they evicted or the workers they hired and then fired in their odyssey to convert a building that used to house many people into a giant home for their five-person family.
These brave souls actually had to live in the downtown condominium they owned while the renovations took place! FOR THREE MONTHS!!! Can you imagine? Why, it's doubtful that they had access to a parlour or great room the entire time! How could they receive guests in such conditions? Ghastly business!
Then, if the indignity of having to squeeze two adults and two small children into 900 stifling square feet wasn't enough, they were also forced to sell the condominium to finance the renovations on their massive detached home!!! When Catherine Jheon writes "There were tears," rest assured my tears were among them!
What kind of world do we live in where a family with two gainfully-employed adults who own a downtown condo and a two-bedroom house (and also an island cottage) (and also a vacation property in Mexico) are reduced to selling their condo to finance their three-storey Parkdale detached home on a corner lot? I asked my butler if there wasn't something we could do to help this young family with their $730,000 debt besides suggesting they sell the cottage and/or Mexican vacation property they've subsequently purchased. And Jeeves suggested that we harness the power of "crowdfunding" to pay off the whole amount! Sure, it won't do much to help with the emotional damage done to this courageous family as a result of buying and renovating a three-storey detached home in central Toronto, but perhaps if we paid off their debt for them, they will no longer have to concern themselves with the onset of "nightly panic attacks."
And so, I call on you, Internet, to help pay off this family's debt of $730,000 so they can enjoy the three-storey detached Toronto home they evicted undeserving renters from in peace. If successful, I will personally have my chauffeur drive me to their Parkdale home and turn the money over in the form of a giant novelty cheque.
However, if this campaign fails to meet it's $730,000 goal, I will donate whatever pittance we raised to Parkdale Community Legal Services, The Advocacy Centre for Tenants Ontario, The Federation of Metro Tenants' Associations, and ACORN Canada.
Please help me help this young family to get past the nightmare of increasing their real estate portfolio at the expense of people that are poorer than they are!
I must thank you for the generosity you have shown in my humble endeavour to provide whatever modicum of support possible for the family Humprheys-Jheon. Alas, I must inform you that our efforts fell approximately 99.4% short of the $730,000 mark.
I understand - while I'm certain that all of us are wishing for the best for this family as they stake a claim in the lawless wilds of Parkdale - a trail they blaze so that the civilized and cultured peoples of this fine city may also one day set up a domicile there - we don't want to interfere with the Humphreys-Jheons as they pull themselves up by their bootstraps (or perhaps their wealthy godfather's bootstraps), now do we?
And so, being a gentleman, I have spent the day with my chauffeur and also with ace reporter Corey Mintz, who documented the honouring of my wager, which you may read of here: http://www.canadalandshow.com/todd-ferguson-trolling-toronto-life/.
After this "crowdfunding" venture extracted their share of your contributions, I was left with the sum of $4407.47 to divvy up between the four agencies I specified previously. There was not one but two hiccups: one occurred when the Advocacy Centre for Tenants Ontario informed me that they, in fact, *do not accept donations!* However, they were kind enough to direct me to Parkdale Organize, who they assure me are an outfit doing the same sort or rabblerousery.
The second hiccup occurred when my generous benefactor Payton Le Barr made a contribution "under the wire" so to speak. I resolved that matter by donating an addition $46 to Parkdale Organize!
With this matter now behind me, I resume my life as a humble lord and member of Toronto's high society. I thank you for providing me with this distraction and bid you all a good day indeed.
Allow me to make it clear that this is a pioneer family, courageously homesteading in the untamed wilds of Parkdale! Why mere blocks from their seven-figure home on the range, lawless savages are withholding rent from the upstanding and conscionable corporate landlord MetCap. See for youself: https://www.gofundme.com/support-parkdale-tenants
My dear friends: I implore you to have your manservant fetch you your chequebook and write out a contribution to our worthy cause immediately. The Humphreys-Jheon might be the last bulwark of civilization in Parkdale. If we lose them, we might lose the entire neighbourhood to the dark forces of the unpropertied hoi polloi.
ALLOW ME TO BE CLEAR TO AVOID ANY UNFORTUNATE MISUNDERSTANDINGS: At the conclusion of this "crowdfunding" campaign, I will be withdrawing the funds into a bank account held in my name. Being a gentleman in good standing and a man of my word, I will then write one-or-more personal cheques: if we have raised $730,000, I will write one cheque to Catherine Jheon, the fearless chronicler of this inspiring saga, so that she may pay off the resulting debts incurred by her family. One should take note that I am a friend of a friend of the Humpheys-Jheons and we (naturally) mix in the same social circles and have attended social functions together.
However, should we somehow inexplicably fail to reach $730,000, I will instead be writing not one but four cheques, one to each of the four agencies listed in the original appeal for your generosity.
I will personally be delivering the cheque(s) via chauffeur-driven automobile and will invite those members of the "mass media" that have expressed an interest in attending the no-doubt auspicious handing-over of said monies to join me.
My goodness, what a travesty, we had a similarly harrowing experience last year purchasing our third home in the Commercial Drive part of Vancouver. It took us THREE MONTHS to evict the families and other renter scum from the place and then the renovations and demos took almost TWO months longer than the original quote. In the meantime, we lost a bid on another rental property and weren't able to go on our annual Florida golf vacation. Now, today, I read that Kathleen Wynne has raised minimum wage to to $15 and we are going to be forced to pay Clarence and Eduardo more money. We aren't made of money, I don't know how anyone can afford to live in Toronto/Vancouver. It is becoming unbearable. Now, we have to decide if we will be able to send all six of our children to Havergal College and Upper Canada College or if some will - gasp- have to go a plebian public school. AND, someone just let the gas out of my Range Rover. Please help us!
I know the subjects. They're good people, not the caricatures they're represented as here. I'd suggest the author: - have a good read of "So You've been publically shamed" - get over his smug sense of self-importance - start saving up for a house in a less gentrified corner of the universe
Well done, well done. For the few people who have commented, unable to see why someone might take some issue with the Humprheys-Jheon couples undertaking concerning this property, I'll try to lay it out simply. They bought a property far, FAR larger than a family their size could ever need which took away the housing for many people that had been rooming there and likely had difficulty finding housing they could afford. The Humprheys-Jheons acted cavalier and irresponsible with their finances, then complained of anxiety over money troubles when they had other assets worth much more than this property. This is almost insulting to a person who has suffered serious anxiety most of their life, and to those who have anxiety for truly dire circumstances like not knowing where they might get their next meal.