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Help Me To Start Life Anew

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My name is Mykyta Trunov. I am Ukrainian and I am 21 years old. I have been in Canada for 4 years now. Everytime I would speak up about my feelings to my family, I would be objected and called a selfish jerk because I have things to express about as a minor. My parents were verbally abusing me all my childhood everytime I would speak up about how I feel about something and someone in a polite way possible, it has been bottling up all my life and I could not handle it anymore this year.
I was raised mostly by my grandparents until I turned 12 when parents started to stay home more rather than go around countries doing job trips and all that. My grandparents introduced me to hobbies I always loved like videogames, cooking, friendliness, politeness, help people who are in need... But that turns tides with my current situation. My grandfather was the biggest influence to me that made me embrace computers, videogames and how they are made. I had his computer after he passed away due to heartstop, I was never depressed being 14 years old, I cried a lot for weeks straight. My other grandfather was also raising me who was a WW2 veteran, he had a crazy love for animals and music, and my voice comes from genes of his vocals, unfortunately he also passed away due to a heart stop. Losing 2 grandfathers at the same time of age is horrible and I always cherished what they loved, and what they have made me as a person. I felt like I lost all hope but I inherited all what they loved.
My parents never liked or were never interested in what I did, constructing my first 3D character model in a pirated version of 3ds max to use in source game engine while I was 14-15 years old, I would never have anyone noticing me. I feel lonely. My high school grades were horrible, but I loved doing 3D designs and minor programming for game development instead, I love video games thanks to my grandfather. My parents never liked my doing, and I heard a lot of arguments they were having with their parents, they would take my grandfather's PC away, that was constructed by him for me, because I don't give enough care or attention to my parents, but I never felt care nor love for them even though they kept buying me stuff never ask for and I kept saying "I'm fine with what I have.", Instead I would be told "You look like a hobo and you should really appreciate what we are doing to you". Thing is I never asked for stuff, and I felt like I was just being bought even though I had to play along, but I never could have an organized conversation nor discussion with my parents, I would always be told to not bother about it, and thats what left me here. My grades were cheated by my parents at high school cause they wanted to get rid of me and send me over to a different country - Canada. I should be very grateful of them about this, but things still didn't work out as smooth due to them leaving me to a completely different banchelor of Science, that I soon changed to computing science which was a simple confusion I thought. I had seen many opportunities of what's in there, but when I was 17 year old at the time I arrived to Canada alone, it was very hard for me to embrace an environment like school, I am not good at studying in classes, and my attention span makes it worse. I don't even know if I am mentally ill, I was never checked if I had anything conflicting with my health psychologically or not, until I realized I have issues. I was at fault for expressing it and I have to pay for everything they did to me in live apparently starting from diapers to what it is. I would always be very anxious with my severe anxiety as it was diagnosed earlier by my father's temper issues leading me to confusion, fear and sadness. My first semester was grim, it was hard for me to focus on subjects, I wish I could study everything alone in piece without time frames and literally sit for hours at the computer screen reading articles and examples over and over again without going to someone who needs to give me marks. With that I found out I have a social anxiety, I had fear to face my instructor and people at University in general even advisors, because I feared they will report me or something and it will be known by parents, so I decided to not show up at classes at all. I've been spending all the money on tools for online courses for advanced 3d but also for more expensive equipment so I could work with what I loved doing on a new level. It sounds very selfish, but I thought it's an opportunity for me, I've been getting noticed by gaming communities, their developers, meeting with people who made the games I love and it was such an honor to work with them for their projects volunteerely, but not until now.

I am still in Canada, currently overstaying my study/work visa with a severe depression, anxiety and pretty much with a willing to vanish right now. I failed the university, things it provided was not for me, I was very afraid to speak up about it to my parents that I don't like it otherwise I would've experienced a biggest guilttrip of how hard it is, which I understand how it is actually hard to support somebody, rather than having a rational discussion I am always up to, but no, everything has to be screwed up by me. It's all my fault. I was holding my parents behind all that time in Ukraine with this situation there going on, but I don't feel care or love for them at all, I was never emotionally/personally attached to them.
I wanted to enjoy my life without them. They insisted to check on me and went over here when I said multiple times don't come over here, then later on I had to tell them about what actually happened and how I felt about it. They made their way here to tell me all this in person, punch me in the face, destroy my belongings and take my national Ukrainian citizen passport to "do something that is not bad to me, don't worry" they said, when I clearly feel it is being disowned. I didnt feel anything this moment, my body was sore, cold, I was ready for anything to get hit by, I didn't care, pain is all I want in this life, after that I was laying down on the traintrack rails waiting for a train to run me over slicing my head just right, but no train was there, I went back home to my room to try and fall asleep. I wish I did not wake up. I couldn't find a proper job that could situate me in Canada, out of an impulse I was very desperate for anything to start life anew, move to Australia with my minimal funds somehow to meet the love I met and friends/family I made through all these 6 years online... I want to go to Australia. I've met someone I really care and can call a family as it was confessed by both sides, but with my no uni skills and with only sponsored worker visa I do not know where to go and who would want me. I have anxiety that makes me think I will never make it there, never see my loved one and friends in Australia even though I kept telling them I can make it there when I have no knowledge in visas and travels there whatsoever. I have fear that if I come back to Ukraine I'm going to forcefully be sent to army where war is still going and my mind tells me I should not give the satisfaction to anybody else. I do not know what to do.

If anyone reads this, please, I would like to ask you to help me out to start anew. I am in the worst situation that I can't get out of, all my passion for 3D arts and crafts is gone which is my only qualification. I don't have a family anymore and I am looking for any possible hope that could help me as soon as possible! The money I am asking for is to use for travel expenses until I get a job in Australia that could sponsor me. Getting there is pretty expensive and I have nowhere to go!

I very much appreciate your time reading this. this moment makes me very sentimental but I beg you on my knees that I really want to achieve something in live, find a bottom like job that would let me stay in australia, save up enough for a better education and continue to do arts and crafts in a professional way. If you are wondering what I ever done and would like to see my works here is my link https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B-3RYO5CKgKvdDhnYTAwT2I5ZUk

Organizer

Nikita Trunov
Organizer
London, ON

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