Help Me Buy A Mar-a-Lago Membership
Donation protected
Hi. My name is John DeVore, sensitive writer, dog owner, and reluctant American hero. I'm starting this GoFundMe because I want to save Western Civilization from nuclear fire.
How?
I need your help to pay the initiation fee at Mar-a-Lago, President Donald Trump's sprawling 1920's era resort in Palm Beach, Florida.
Since becoming President, the initiation fee has doubled to $200,000. What does one get for that price? Lots of golf, mimosas, and access to the Leader of the Free World. Because, folks, that's 100% for sale now. They aren't even hiding it.
Recently, a number of Mar-a-Lago members got to hang out while the President and the President of Japan held what should have been a secure conversation about an unfolding threat from North Korea . One of the club members even got to hang out with the person who carries the nuclear launch codes.
That's right: a bunch of champagne-swilling swells in Florida were inches away from decisions that could, you know, destroy the world.
Why should rich people have all the fun?
The truth is people like you and me - people who don't have $200,000 to throw at a ritzy seaside social club - should be represented if the President is going to conduct the nation's business out in the open, while his pals, the wealthy, slurp oysters.
You need me there. You want me there. I'll be the guy who shouts "HEY PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP GO DISCUSS HOSTILITIES WITH A NUCLEAR POWER IN A SENSITIVE COMPARTMENTED INFORMATION FACILITY!"
Or imagine this scene: it's a balmy night out by the pool and the president is giggling with a claque of captains of industry - real nincompoops - who've paid a handsome sum to help shape foreign policy without ever having to be elected to anything. Then, suddenly, I walk by, wearing an open kimono and nothing else. "Good evening," I say. "Remember there are no winners in a nuclear exchange."
If the president asks my advice, I will give it to him. If he doesn't ask my advice, I will elbow my way into the conversation and give advice like "don't be a dick."
I am willing to make this sacrifice. I will hang out poolside wearing star-spangled short shorts and a monocle. Basically, I will wear very little clothing and eat nothing but deviled eggs while I serve you, the people. I will play the sport of golf, which I've never done, but how hard could it be? It's basically just walking with cigars, right?And I will talk to all the wealthy conservatives. There will be much guffawing. If there's one thing being a liberal punching bag on Fox News for almost a decade has taught me, it's how to talk to wealthy conservatives (you smile a lot, but without showing any teeth.)
But, mostly, I will grimly accept the burden of becoming a part of Donald Trump's country club cabinet.
I will do this, and more, for you and yours. If you help me reach my goal.
If I raise $200,000, I will apply for membership at Mar-a-Lago, which will undoubtedly be accepted with open arms. I am, after all, a white, heterosexual man. From there, I will do whatever I can to prevent nuclear war. Even if that means giving surprise wedgies to any new Mar-a-Lago staffers with deep Russian accents.
If I don't reach my goal of $200,000, I will donate the existing funds to Planned Parenthood, because providing affordable and vital healthcare services to women really seems to annoy Trump supporters. I don't know why. They should talk to a therapist about it. Anyway, it's an excellent cause, even if healthcare will be moot once the long nuclear winter slowly chokes the life out of humanity.
Am I a brave person? Naw. Look, I'm just a regular guy doing what little he can do to make sure his species doesn't, suddenly, go extinct. So sue me if I just want to make a difference. That's right: I'm guilty of trying to save humanity from robber barons wearing tropical shirts and white pants.
It's up to you now, America. Launch me into the "Winter White House" where I will be a voice of reason, or at least, a voice with credit card debt. Or sit back and let the President continue to make a buck off his position, without even caring that he is responsible for the lives of hundreds of millions of people.
How?
I need your help to pay the initiation fee at Mar-a-Lago, President Donald Trump's sprawling 1920's era resort in Palm Beach, Florida.
Since becoming President, the initiation fee has doubled to $200,000. What does one get for that price? Lots of golf, mimosas, and access to the Leader of the Free World. Because, folks, that's 100% for sale now. They aren't even hiding it.
Recently, a number of Mar-a-Lago members got to hang out while the President and the President of Japan held what should have been a secure conversation about an unfolding threat from North Korea . One of the club members even got to hang out with the person who carries the nuclear launch codes.
That's right: a bunch of champagne-swilling swells in Florida were inches away from decisions that could, you know, destroy the world.
Why should rich people have all the fun?
The truth is people like you and me - people who don't have $200,000 to throw at a ritzy seaside social club - should be represented if the President is going to conduct the nation's business out in the open, while his pals, the wealthy, slurp oysters.
You need me there. You want me there. I'll be the guy who shouts "HEY PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP GO DISCUSS HOSTILITIES WITH A NUCLEAR POWER IN A SENSITIVE COMPARTMENTED INFORMATION FACILITY!"
Or imagine this scene: it's a balmy night out by the pool and the president is giggling with a claque of captains of industry - real nincompoops - who've paid a handsome sum to help shape foreign policy without ever having to be elected to anything. Then, suddenly, I walk by, wearing an open kimono and nothing else. "Good evening," I say. "Remember there are no winners in a nuclear exchange."
If the president asks my advice, I will give it to him. If he doesn't ask my advice, I will elbow my way into the conversation and give advice like "don't be a dick."
I am willing to make this sacrifice. I will hang out poolside wearing star-spangled short shorts and a monocle. Basically, I will wear very little clothing and eat nothing but deviled eggs while I serve you, the people. I will play the sport of golf, which I've never done, but how hard could it be? It's basically just walking with cigars, right?And I will talk to all the wealthy conservatives. There will be much guffawing. If there's one thing being a liberal punching bag on Fox News for almost a decade has taught me, it's how to talk to wealthy conservatives (you smile a lot, but without showing any teeth.)
But, mostly, I will grimly accept the burden of becoming a part of Donald Trump's country club cabinet.
I will do this, and more, for you and yours. If you help me reach my goal.
If I raise $200,000, I will apply for membership at Mar-a-Lago, which will undoubtedly be accepted with open arms. I am, after all, a white, heterosexual man. From there, I will do whatever I can to prevent nuclear war. Even if that means giving surprise wedgies to any new Mar-a-Lago staffers with deep Russian accents.
If I don't reach my goal of $200,000, I will donate the existing funds to Planned Parenthood, because providing affordable and vital healthcare services to women really seems to annoy Trump supporters. I don't know why. They should talk to a therapist about it. Anyway, it's an excellent cause, even if healthcare will be moot once the long nuclear winter slowly chokes the life out of humanity.
Am I a brave person? Naw. Look, I'm just a regular guy doing what little he can do to make sure his species doesn't, suddenly, go extinct. So sue me if I just want to make a difference. That's right: I'm guilty of trying to save humanity from robber barons wearing tropical shirts and white pants.
It's up to you now, America. Launch me into the "Winter White House" where I will be a voice of reason, or at least, a voice with credit card debt. Or sit back and let the President continue to make a buck off his position, without even caring that he is responsible for the lives of hundreds of millions of people.
Organizer
John DeVore
Organizer
Brooklyn, NY
