Help Marcie heal.

Okay. I feel like a buttface doing this but I am going to start intensive outpatient treatment for PTSD and alcohol abuse disorder on Monday. The treatment to address 35+ year old trauma is going to cost me $8000. At least. I have insurance but the deductible and out of pocket is almost $9000 and then I'm still responsible for more. I've treated my ptsd with alcohol for decades. I've tried to do one or the other, treatment wise, and it doesn't work (shocking). I'm going to do this regardless because I don't want to die (the suicidal thoughts have been fucked since the whole kavanaugh bullshit started; probably a fourth of my trauma is sexual abuse, going back to when I was FIVE. I had repressed a lot of it and seeing how people responded made them come flooding back.) I want to live. And I need your help. This is mortifying to put out there but it is what it is. Thank you in advance.   

Back story. In addition to the horrible sexual abuse, my first real boyfriend died when I was 17. My Mom died when I was 18. More sexual abuse. I broke my neck in a car wreck when I was 19. My dad is amazing now but he kicked me out after my surgery because he met a woman who hated me. I moved out of town and there was a horrible flood; I lost half my belongings to looters. I met a guy who was "great," and he ended up being an abusive monster. I'm not even 21 at this point. It continues but I'll leave it at that for now. I don't want to vomit everything up and terrify you that I'm walking around like a regular person. But. I'm strong in that I want help and will finally accept help. I'm excited and terrified.