All I ask from any of you, even if the only reason you're seeing this is because you just so happened to stumble across it is to please read all the way through before deciding anything.
Most have either never heard of Ketamine, like myself at first or know it as either a horse tranquilizer, a general anesthetic, or even the street drug Special K. But I recently participated in a clinical study using Ketamine Infusions to treat TRD(treatment resistant depression). It was first discovered to be beneficial in 2000 at Yale and has been studied ever since. Ketamine has proven to treat depression and some bipolar disorders in a way no other treatment or medication has. It has yet to become readily available to the pubic and covered by insurance, but from what I’ve been told it will. Until then there are Ketamine clinics that range throughout the U.S. The closest one to me is in Indiana and I live in Wisconsin. These infusions work like many medications where you must let it build in your system. Each treatment lasts a little longer than the previous one. The Indiana clinic charges $500 per infusion as most do if not more. I would need at the very least 4 infusions to make one last about a month. Then I would have to do multiple again. I’m asking to be financed for the infusions and a few follow-up ones until I can either finance it myself or it becomes covered by insurance. For the initial trip I’m also seeking money for a car rental and about 2 weeks worth of a hotel stay. The infusions gradually branch out. Like I said, each infusion lasts longer than the previous. Please read my desperate reasoning for these extreme measures for relief below.
Where does one begin to explain the struggles and battle of depression? How can I get someone to understand what its like to have a constant, never-ending, excruciating, yet unexplainable and unimaginable inner pain? It’s like searching for something in my heart and whole being that was never there. So how does one begin to search for it? No matter how many words and feelings I throw at you, if you haven’t at least experienced circumstantial depression then you will never know and trust me you don’t want to. I’m just looking for a little understanding and mercy.
I know I’m not “alone”, but trust me, no matter how many other depressed people you talk to or meet, you still feel completely alone. No matter how many people you have in your corner. You still feel alone. It’s in me, in my heart and my mind. It’s my own personal battle no matter how similar it looks or sounds as another’s because at the end of the day, I’m the one stuck in it. Stuck in my own personal hell. The only one in my head.
How do I get you to fathom the idea of such an extreme torturous agony that I myself have felt for over 15 years now? A pain so powerful and unstoppable that you would do anything to end it. Mental illness’ take lives everyday the same way any other chronic or terminal disease does, but much of the world wants to stay in the dark because it’s easier and the truth is ugly, messy, and hard. Yes I said terminal because without help, without care, doctors, and treatment, mental illness is very much as terminal as any other disease. I have been tortured by this to the point of trying to end the pain I cannot seem to escape. I want so badly to feel something other than complete sadness and helplessness with no hope. I’ve lost hope after trying so many medications and treatments, some of which were extreme, but when you feel like this, as I said you will do anything to just stop the pain.
Ketamine infusions are saving lives and it will soon be more readily available to save more. It is the closest thing to cure I, myself have experienced. It was like night and day. Time is not on my side to wait for insurance to cover this treatment. Without it it’s just a waiting game now.
Having treatment resistant depression means I was a guinea pig for 15 years without any light in the darkness I sit in. It is debilitating and I somehow I ran out of “push back”. I gave in and now my life consists of mostly staying in bed and trying to sleep my life away as to not hurt anyone, but also not wanting to feel the hurt within. Sleep is my only escape which is no fix, no way to live, and doesn’t nearly give me the relief I need and deserve. I deserve to put my skills and talents I was born with to good use. Help me transform my dreams that were once goals back into goals and ultimately achieve them. I feel with this treatment I can gain way more “push back” than I ever have had. I can get back in the ring having the upper hand. I can fight and learn to cope with this on a new level. I won’t always have my family for financial support and I don’t want it if it means to continue living like this. Help me live. I want to know what its like to really live. To not wake up and cry myself back to sleep because I just woke up to a painful reality once again, but to wake up and be grateful to be alive.
I don’t want to feel this guilt anymore knowing I truly have a lot to be thankful for, but am unable to truly enjoy it, appreciate it, and show the proper gratitude for it. I currently don’t deserve all I have, but I want to earn it. The love I have for my family and the love they give is what has gotten me thus far, but I’ve been fighting for them and lately I’m doing more damage than good. I need to learn to live for me. I need a reason to live for me and fight for me.
- Matt Korbol
- Esther Sanz
- GAIL RENS
- Lea Rens