Trying to heal.....my mind

"One day I will NEVER wake up and I will finally be happy."

Have any of you felt this way before? That your last breath could be today? Does anyone at all feel like they can't look at themselves in the mirror and that they absolutely without any doubt hate themselves that much? Have anyone of you ever experienced the thought "if I could only live to tomorrow and get through today". Why am I never good enough? Why am I ugly? Why can't people accept me for me? Why am I not good enough at my job? Why am I so replaceable? Why am I always having negative thoughts? I research so much about self help and I actively go to therapy. Trust me, trust a complete stranger when I tell you that to me this life as I know it is simply existing for me. Nothing and nobody can help me get out of this awful mentality. I need financial help to attend a course that could free me of my own personal self. It's in the USA and I am in Canada. It is called Ascension Leadership Academy. I work seven days a week I assure you I am not lazy and I look at each day as the hugest challenge I've to face. I just get by with a lot of bills and catching up. I'm protecting my name simply as I would like to respect my family and they aren't aware 100% the details I'm sharing.

To fill you in as condensed as possible I fell in love in 2008 with a man who I thought of course would be the one....yeah yeah yeah we all have done that right..why is my story any different?.....WELL.... 2 years into the relationship he started to slap me around and me having no confidence or self worth or whatever it is I allowed him to do it. I still have no idea exactly why? Pretty dumb of me? What a stupid woman, who would let someone do that to her? It's what most people say. Hence why I stayed quiet. 3rd /4th years had come and well, let's face the facts....fractures, broken bones, black eyes, bite marks, dragged around by my hair..pushed down the stairs ..and a lot of lies to people who loved me......This resulted in a lot of times me being let go from work as I was not "reliable" and of course from a business perspective someone with 100's of excuses for not showing up isn't. I was unemployed, living in a car, beat up and still STILL "in love". Yeah I couldn't leave him, he was all I had. He told me my family was nothing and convinced me they did not care. (My family lives on the other side of Canada) I was completely brainwashed by the age of 23 and alone in a big city. He and his family's next plan, I was to convert to be a Muslim. I have nothing against religions however looking back being forced is much more serious. He wasn't a citizen and I feel it was probably to get his papers looking back. So the next years he would stand above me in the washroom while I bathed and threaten to drop the blow dryer in the water while I was in it. He didn't allow me to go to the gym. I gained 60 pounds. No lost my identity. (Now 53 is gone). He didn't allow me to be an individual or wear the clothes I wanted or if I did... which I did....I got beat and accepted the consequences. Eight and a 1/2 years later I got out on June 17th 2016, I took off in the middle of the day while he was at work. I am messed up more than imaginable.  

I keep journals, Hilroy books 300 page ones I can usually go through in 2-3 days. I write my worst thoughts out in hopes they will disappear but they don't. I write out my wishes in hopes they come true and of course they don't either. I write about the one day I may be happy and all the possible things I will enable myself to do. The negative thoughts come back in full force. I am out options you guys. I need this course to save my life. No other reason, than to save my life and learn to be able to one day be able to say I love myself or let others love me or me love others. I walk around with smiles all the time, and I go home and I'm the real me. The fake one cannot fake much longer. I just need help finding myself and this course does that for people. I know people who've done it and they're remarkable lookout on life is one I only dream of.

I hate a hand out, and this was embarrassing for me to write but at this stage who can help anymore? I can't help myself so I'm just hoping my story touches someone , anyone out there.
If you can help in anyway possible I appreciate it.
Thank you.

If I have touched or even one person has been able to relate to my story. Well, this is a huge start.
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Kei Anonymous 
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