To live freely and find my Dao.

I made this go fund me. With no real intentions of accepting charity. I cant even say the reason why I making this. Because really I don't quite understand myself. It just felt like there was a voice with in me that wanted to speak to some one. Which is strange considering that I'm not great at social interactions. Because really its way to cumbersome to constantly worry about the phycological mind state of not just myself, but also  of the people in my surroundings. Whilst also making sure my words don't offend others.
My life has been spent working hard in spite of the many difficulties growing up. Whole hearted believing that if I was to work hard in a company that it would pay off. That I would be noticed and those around me would cherish and respect me., And so I would work months with out a single off day. Working 18 hour shifts, because we were constantly short staffed. Never once hearing that I did a good job.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer, and she was slowly just dying. The treatments wasn't working, and I wanted time off. Just so I could spend time with her. I was told no. That I was the only supervision on shift, and if I didnt come in I would be terminated. It honestly broke me a little. I could feel the strings in my heart just snapping, because I didn't really understand. My mother was dying, and I just wanted some time to see her. No matter how many times I was asked to stay later or cover a shift. I never said no, I had 3 weeks of vacation at the time, that I didn't even get a chance to touch, before the 3 weeks for the next year kicked in. It was sad because I end up making the wrong decision. I took for granted the time my mother had left. I made a promise I would spend the day with her. But I was just a fool. Because I had feared losing my job more than I feared losing my own mother. It had been two weeks since I had last seen her awake. Because when ever I would visit she would be so sedated that she didn't even recognize me. Really deep down, I never wanted to believe she would die. Because she was always sick, and she would always recover. There was a time when she was told she would never walk again, but she just kept pushing herself, and even when she was in pain. She would just endure it. So when she actually passed. I honestly just snapped. And I shut down. I started drinking and started smoking. because even in her last moments I was not there.  She died as I was explaining to my department manager why I had to leave work. It had angered me so much. That I wished I could just throw them out the window.
I started distancing myself from the world. Because I didn't understand why the world was really so unfair.  I had done everything right, I followed the rules. I obeyed laws. I showed up on time. I always gave every one 200% of everything I had. Only realizing later that I wouldn't get a fraction of the sincerity that I showed to others back. I honestly wanted to give it all up. I even attempted to kill myself. it was really dark times for me. Because my confidence was just shattered. Yeah I may be a great employee. But as a son, as a human being. I felt like just utter trash. But it was that self hatred that actually woke me up a bit. Because honestly hard work does pay off when your investing it in yourself.  Most jobs doesn't really care about your personal life. As long as you can do what your assigned they'll high five you. But once you interfere with the operations of business. They'll throw off the ship. with out even giving you a float.
I started looking at me. Who was I. What I wanted from my life, and why did I want it. I started meditating more and practicing qigong  which ultimately change my beliefs and how I perceive things.  It also made me oddly flexible and strong with out any form of working out or stretching. Who knew that deep breathing and intention could have such amazing results.
And I started to realize something about my life. That it was like I was just living in a fog that was as solid as a brick wall and that everything that I had been going through was just a part of the experience of living. At some point I just stopped trying to see through the fog. Because it was just so thick to see through you know. But I really wanted to know what was on the other side of it. Never thinking like " oh there might be a cliff or something" but even so I didn't care. I wanted that experience. Also I just didn't want to submit you know. How lame would it be to work so hard only give up in the end. For fear of the unknown. So it was like what ever. Next thing I knew I was walking in this super thick fog. And it was like so creepy. Because it was just silent. There wasnt even a cricket. Just me, my my thoughts and my own breathing. ( You don't realize that you may be a nut or how many voices you have in your head singing commercials lyrics. Until you reach this point.) But as time passed even that was some how silenced in the fog. At first it was okay. Like I could see a few feet ahead. But as I progressed the fog was even thicker. To a point where I couldn't even see the tip of my own nose. But if I were to look back there was nothing behind me. Not one bit of fog. It really felt like every step that I took. Was clearing a path for others to follow. I know like a good being I should of been happy that some one would like to follow my steps one day. But I felt a little bitter. Because it was only me braving it all. I was the one alone walking blindly in a fog. And like a brat, I stood there refusing to even budge an inch. It never even occured to me that maybe the reason that the pathway was clear to the point where I reached the fog. Was probably because there was other who cleared it before I got there. It also never occurred to me that every one of them like me felt this bitterness at a point. But unlike me they never stopped moving. Because they really didn't mind whether some came before or after they just wanted to see it for themselves. They were just built that way I guess, they didn't want to submit. Because they knew if it was to happen once. It would happen again, and again, until it formed a habit. Sadly I was never like those people. I've submitted with gritted teeth time and time again. Just cause I felt there was nothing I could do . And this right here was supposed to be my declaration. Like " I am Testiclese these are my guts. But no I let myself be petty, and those past habits started finding excuses to make me submit once again, and they actually got me. Those bastards . Well I wasn't sure if it was a blessing or a curse. Because for 4 years I was just stuck stagnant standing in this fog. Not really doing much of anything. Just staring off into space, not even noticing that as I stood in the fog I was being assimilated into it. I mean all there was, was fog fog fog fog fog. It was foggy here , foggy there , it was foggy damn near every where. Next thing I know I'm over here trying to feel and understand the fog. Like it was just going sit down and have a heart to heart with me. " Like when I was a little foggy fog I was the foggiest fog of them all." Weird thing is. In a way It really did just that. It took everything from me. Made me feel,hear,see,smell,or taste nothing. It pretty much held me hostage in it's embrace and told me it loved me. And it left. And when it left the fog around me cleared. It was like being lost in darkness and then Bam there's explosion of sounds. That vibrate through your entire being. The colors are vibrant and majestic and filled with arrogance like it's your greatest blessing To just catch a glimpse of their coat tails. You just take a breath and it leave a refreshing taste in your mouth. Like you've been sitting in a room with you own farts drinking dirt water. And some one came, opened the windows, threw you out of it, gave you a hot barrel spong bath under moonlight ,and a glass almond milk with raw honey . It was weird and just great you know. I wanted to cry. Okay I'm lying I did cry but that besides the point. It made me realize things about myself as a person. I was a hypocrite. Because I would tell myself things. And when I would go out into the world I would become a person a didn't even recognize. Because it was an expectation. I did this so much that. I started to actually become that person. Like who the hell is this guy, and when I realized it. That I didn't even have control of myself. That I was just letting people imprint their intents on me. Like I was tool box. And their intents are bar stickers. Who glue melted into the depths of my soul. And qigong was the sander that grinded their intents from their surface. Meditation wiped them from my depths. And the breath cleared the worries from my heart....... I dont know what I'm really trying to say. I'm more or less just rambling.  I do wish we as humans we could live more freely and actually pursue our dreams with all our heart.
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