Suffering in Silence - No More

My Story
My name is Susie.  Where do even to start to tell my story.  It began at the age of nine where I began a life time of food addiction.  I was to young to know about drugs and alcohol.  But soon would find out.  At the age of 20, I had a drug and alcohol overdose.  I don't believe that is was actually a suicide attempt as much as a cry for help.  I told family members that "I just don't feel right.  Something is wrong with me."  Only to get an answer "oh it's all in your head."  And that was 30 years ago.

in 1992 I thought a geographical change would help. So I packed up and moved from Kansas City to Arizona.  That happy feeling lasted a number of months before I started to feel extreme sadness, loss of interest prolonged depression, yet I could work 100 hours a week,  go on no sleep and had grandoise unattainable ideas.  

At this time I was six years clean and sober when I got the diagnosis bi-polar.  Really not sure what this was, but after 2 weeks on medication I felt NORMAL.  Life was good so I decided to enroll in massage school so I could continue working/healing on me.  I never planned on having a successful and thriving business in this field.

Unfortunately, this is where I think we need much more education on this disorder.  The schools belief was that a person "getting rid" of this illness and curing oneself was through meditation, herbs, diet and just sure willpower!

I went cold turkey off my medication and lasted six more years, struggling in silence.  in 1998, I was married to a wonderful man that also believed the above.  Owning an operating a Health Food Store made it hard for him to believe I needed medication.  But after a very long year of trying every herb and supplement, detox therapy, other natural therapies, and many arguements, he gave in.

Two weeks on medications he told me that he noticed a huge difference and asked if I remembered our first year of marriage.  I could not. He said I cried everyday.  The problem with my medication was I was only being treated for depression.

As I sit here, I wonder how different my life could have turned out if I was on the correct medication and that on this night I would be home with my husband and son.  But that is not my story.  

I know God has me on a hell of a journey.  I believe that with every cell in my body.  But I would not have asked for the 2 1/2 years of pain, sadness, insecurity, and loss due to a divorce or these past two month of the same, only on steroids.  

I thought I had a great game plan for my son and I.  We could save up my allimony checks (becaused I wiped out every single penny in my savings) and finally get ahead by house sitting for a client.  Boy, was I wrong.  At this point I feel that I'm close to rock bottom, for I know God could show me what a REAL bottom looks like.

I wasn't there but just over a month when my family realized that something was "not right" with me.  Two weeks ago my mom and sister quickly moved me out.

Why I am asking for financial help from complete strangers is both humiliating and humbling.  I thought I could once again try to duct tape my life together before all the pieces fell.  My Doctor's and therapist believe that I need to do an impatient 30 day treatment so my support team and medical staff will all have the correct diagnosis and treatment plan.  

I sleep on my moms couch at the moment and my son is with his father.  I have no home, no finances, no dog, and suffering from no sleep.  But life is good.  God is good. Words can't describe how grateful I am that a stranger, not knowing me, has unconditional love for this stranger in need.

I'm tired.  I'm tired of this disease tormenting me, Im tired of the embarrassment of this illness, I'm tired of experiencing the shame and fear when I share, and I'm tired of feeling that somehow I must be broken or damaged or flawed.

By allowing me to go into a 30 day impatient faciality, would change my life forever.  I would be back with my son who I love more than life and provide a beautiful little home just for us and our aussie.  I would once again feel like I am a good and lovable mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.

What I will promise you is that when I come out I will be a warrior for this illness.  I will share and teach and educate all who will listen.  We are not crazy.  We are misunderstood and I will be here to share my story because I WILL NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE - NO MORE

Thank you and God bless
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Susie Sterk-Bute 
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